I was lying in bed this morning enjoying the cosiness of my electric blanket and I got thinking that this item is probably the ONLY semi-decent thing about fucking winter.
Oh yeah, I complain bitterly in the winter and all through the winter so take this as a bit of a whine and vent…
Everything just dies! Everything that was remotely living in your garden turns dry, grey and crusty and shrivels up and pegs. Our skin becomes dry and your heels start to crack and your lips are no longer kissable. If it wasn’t for Lip Balm and Chap Stick – there would be no snogging at all during winter. Now that would be a fucking shame...
Everyone huddles around open fires and heaters and the only electrifying thing to do after the sun goes down, and there’s that nip in the air, is cuddle under a blanket and watch countless DVDs until your eyes are blood-shot and square.
On top of that, while you’re sitting on that couch glued to the telly trying to rub your nipple stand away, all you do is eat junk! This does not help with the widening waistline that you accumulate during this horrid season.
Truck loads of hot chocolate, heaps of popcorn and comfort food get shovelled in past those unkissable lips. So we get frumpy and fat.
Not only do we put on a few extra kilos during winter, but we metamorphosize into Michelin Men because we have to wear heaps of layered bulky clothing. We start with the vest, then there is the long sleeved tee, then the wooly jumper, we wear stockings or thick tights underneath our pants and swap sandals for boots. Finally, we layer the jacket or coat and the cherry on top – the beanie, scarf and gloves.
Fuck That! No one looks good in a beanie! No matter how hip and trendy you think you look in your multicoloured striped beanie (I do have one), you just look utterly ridiculous. And another thing, adults should not wear ear-muffs. It’s just daft. But I am daft and therefore I wear 'em! Shut Up! They keep my fucking ears warm!
That brings me to another point. Wearing all these additional clothes every day means our washing baskets are overflowing and that we need to do more washing, more often. Urgh! Instead of doing washing twice or three times a week, we land up doing two or three loads a day! That's a depressing subject all of its own. This means more washing powder and more fabric softener on the shopping list.
Shall I go on?Alrighty then...
Another thing…Have you ever tried to smoke a fucking cigarette wearing pink fluffy gloves? It’s to all intents and purposes - im-fucking-possible! Eventually they start to smell funky and every drag you take you get a mouthful of fuzz with your nicotine. Its enough to spoil your morning fag and cuppa.
Sitting on the toilet is even unbearable – quite literally a pain in the arsky. You have to pull all those clothes off and bear your nekkid bum to the frosty toilet seat unless you are one of the lucky ones who’s granny still knits you those oh-so-stylish crocheted toilet seat covers in that lovely scratchy lavender wool that’s been lying in her cupboard for 30 years because she’s never found a use for it until this winter. Those things are just vile! How unhygienic are those things? Especially if you have the male species in yer home, wee boys and men love to dribble all over the bathroom for some unknown reason. Fucking foul or what?
Yes winter officially sucks, we don’t get to flash our cleavage or show a bit of leg. We can’t walk around barefoot without our toes turning to ice-blocks and tempting chilblains. The only consolation is that we shag more (just to keep warm).
I could go on for days…but I will not because my fingers are almost frozen to sticks of uselessness.