Sunday, 11 October 2009

100 Things About Me

First of all it was not fucking easy to think of 100 things about myself.

So, its taken a while to write this post and I wanted to keep it for my 1000th post but decided not to (not sure why).  Now I have to think of something else to do for my up-and-coming 1000th post...

If you have any ideas...leave a comment below...

Sorry, its long....I'll be fucking blown away with surprise if anyone reads it to the end...

1. I was born in Kilmarnock in Scotland. Where they make the Johnny Walker whiskey. I detest whiskey.

2. I stabbed my sister with a pencil when I was about 7 years old and she still has the piece of lead in her arm.

3. I prefer cats to dogs. Dogs slobber and shite everywhere.

4. I own one, yes one, house plant that I've had for 18 years because I always fucking kill them.

5. I so wanted a puppy when I was growing up that I started behave like one and used to walk around on all fours barking at everyone.  I have a very convincing dog-bark.

6. I had to be rushed to the hospital on my very first day at school and 4 get stitches in my knee because I fell on a sharp stone.

7. I've been married to my Wonderful Boerewors for 11 years.

8. My Boerewors and I moved in together after only 3 months.

9. We got engaged 3 months after that and a year after that we were married.

10. I have two beautiful, incredibly different and active wee lassies.

11. Until I met my Boerewors I was NEVER going to get married or have children.

12. One of my school friends stood on my middle finger and broke it on my tenth birthday.

13. I bite my nails.

14. I always wanted to be a journalist or have a career in advertising.

15. I can speak fluent knit (K2tog, K1,P1)

16. I can't sew.

17. I fucking hate ironing and will avoid it at ALL costs.

18. I can read people pretty well and can generally tell when someone is fibbing.

19. I fart - loud - and I admit it.

20. I love the word FUCK - it is so expressive and I use it often.

21. When someone stands too close to me in a queque I want to freak the fuck out! It drives me insane. Its called Personal Space, asswipe!! Take a fucking step back!

22. I'm addicted to and love the bargains I get there.

23. Easter isn’t complete without Cadbury's Creme Eggs.

24. I have five tattoos.

25. I have my tongue and navel pierced.

26. I have a big-ass industrial-sized dish washer that I got for nothing from a friend and its the best and fucking ugliest thing in my kitchen.

27. I couldn't live without my friends. They are very dear to me and I tell them how I feel often.

28. I would rather go through natural childbirth WITHOUT drugs before I suffer toothache.

29. I hate men that pee in public places. Its just gross.

30. My favourite sandwich is chicken mayonaisse with crispy bacon and avo on Health Bread - toasted.

31. I craved strawberries and jam doughnuts with my first pregnancy and with my second it was beef crisps.

32. I turned into the Goodyear Blimp when I was pregnant (both times) and I looked like a walking Easter Egg. It wasn't fucking pretty.

33. The Wicked Witch of the West had NOTHING on me when I was preggies. I was the Biatch from hell on speed.  I released the flying monkeys daily.

34. When I was about 10 years old I lived in or is it on, my roller skates. You know the ones with the four wheels with the big stopper at the front?  I would put them on the minute I got home from school and not take them off until bed time.

35. I love to karaoke but can’t sing for shit.

36. I took typing at school because it was an easy and a "cop-out" subject. I was a lazy little git at school.

37. I am a natural red-head.

38. I believe in the death penalty.

39. I'm addicted to reality TV - if I don't get my dose of Grey's I get VERY pissy.

40. I want to die having known my grand-children.

41. I want a puppy for the girls but my hubby is kicking his heels in and refusing...

42. I still have my appendix.

43. I am interested in many subjects and it makes me appear fickle and flighty.

44. I secretly wish they celebrated Halloween here in South Africa so I could dress up more.

45. Camping is one of my favourite things to do. I love being outside, getting dirty and being away from the hussle and bussle.

46. I don't like cooking because of all the mess I have to clean up afterwards. I'd probably cook more if someone was washing up for me as I went along.

47. I yell out “Bless yYu!” when strangers sneeze in public.

48. I hate rodents. Vermin MUST be exterminated.

49. I love the smell of coffee but don't make me drink it. Yuk! I'm tea Jenny - no milk either.

50. My first car was a Ford Escort in baby blue with a white vinyl top and I named him Clifford. I loved that car and it was a 1.3 that only ever ran on three cylinders.

51. I am pro-choice.

52. I hate wearing knickers with pants.

53. My work is important to me. It keeps me sane and I get a lot of joy out of being efficient.

54. I enjoy skinny dipping.

55. I prefer my toilet roll to fold out over the top not from underneath - if its from underneath a someone else's house, I will change it just to piss them off.

56. I'm terribly short-sighted.

57. I did the ABSA Relay race for eight years in a row (even when I was pregnant both times) until it was "discontinued".  Cheap bastids!

58. I have baskets and bowls all around my house with general shit in. I know it annoys everyone but at least I know where to find things.

59. I spent an entire day in a string bikini playing volley ball without sun-screen. I got such bad sun stroke, I thought I was on my way out. Death would've been better looking than my lobster skin sitting below a ice-cold shower..

60. Chocoholic

61. I did drum majorettes for three years at school.

62. When I was little I wanted to be a ballerina but my mum couldn't afford dance lessons. I had a neighbour who went twice a week and I'd rush over to her house after she got back from her lessons and she'd teach me what she did that day. I'd squeeze my feet into her tiny ballet pumps (she was almost two years younger than I was) - it was very sad.

63. I get along with my in-laws and love them very much.

64. I love musicals and love watching Sound of Music and Wizard of Oz over and over.

65. My breasts were silicone-enhanced two years ago. I still love the twins.

66. I enjoy playing board games that involve general knowledge - I'm not a great player but I still love it.

67. I don't drink enough water.

68. I have a very keen sense of smell. I can smell onions from a mile away.

69. Naked handstands and cartwheels are fun!

70. I'm looking my age now. I see more and more wear and tear everyday. Crows feet and drooping.

71. I only drink beer for burping competitions, which I generally win.

72. My favourite colour is orange. I will buy anything if its orange just coz I love the colour. I wear it, I eat it, I drive it, I would have everything in orange if I could.

73. I prefer not to wear lipstick but ADORE heels.

74. Kiss me on my lower back and I'm yours forever.

75. I love crystals and gems. My favourite is amethist. I believe all crystals have healing powers and I have several books on the subject.

76. Music feeds my soul and I love everything from classic to heavy metal rock.

77. I hate my freckles and "ginger" looking skin. I secretly wished I had olive skin.

78. The Russian Ballet company came to South Africa and it is the best ballet performance I have ever seen. They were incredible and literally took my breath away.

79. I'm quite a good ice skater.

80. I own a Grammar book, a thesaurus and a dictionary and all three stand on my desk at work. I have never used them.

81. I can dance for hours on end. This "tannie" can "skut her biscuit".

82. I can peel potatoes at lightning speed but only with a potatoe peeler.

83. I cry at Dr Phil and Oprah. I cry at the movies a lot. I cry at some commercials for heaven's sake.  I'm a real blubber bucket.

84. I hope to someday visit Italy and Europe as I crave the architecture and history of the place.

85. I own a rubic cube and only my husband can solve the thing in less than two minutes.

86. Bono from U2 was my big fat crush when I was a teenager. I hoped someday to kiss Paul Hewson full on the mouth...

87. I have the ugliest feet. I have bunyons and my toe next to my pinkie toe is so badly bent it looks as if its turning the corner. Must've been all those pointy heels in the 80s.

88. I was never officially proposed to. We just decided mutually that it was a good idea. I secretly wish it could happen all over again so I could have ONE romantic moment.

89. I have NEVER been skinny, even though I'd love to be. Even in matric when I was 16, I had a good figure but never weighed less than 53kg (as an adult) and I'm only five foot.

90. Farting at work is not an issue for me. I have a special  spray on my desk for such occassions and everyone knows that when they smell my vanilla spray, that I've farted. Hey! What would you rather smell?

91. I had various moles removed from my body. I think they are totally disgusting and would love to have them all removed. The two on my face especially.

92. "Charlotte's Web" made me sob.

93. My parents have been married for nearly 45 years. Thats a fucking miracle.

94. I have a weakness for trendy colourful handbags, sunglasses and shoes. I must have a dozen pairs of sunglasses.  Accessories, gurls!

95. I love waterless hand cleaner and always keep some in my handbag.

96. I had a sympathectomy when I was 27 for hyperhidrosis. Are you googling yet?

97. I once killed a boyfriends hamster by mistake by leaving him out on a sunny balcony in his plastic ball for an entire afternoon. When I went to put him back in his cage he was stiff as a board. I felt like shit.

98. I think Billy connolly and Ray William Johnson are hysterical and they never fail to make me chuckle out loud.

99. I laugh VERY loud and when I get a giggling fit I can't stop myself...It happens often.

100. I consider South Africa my home even though I was born and stayed in Scotland for 10 years.


otin said...

I honestly,(And I am not fibbing!) Have never read a more entertaining 100 things about me list! I love that you fart and love the word fuck!

I am pro choice, although I think that an abortion is a sad thing.

I am against the death penalty, only because of the fact that There is no way to be 100% sure that the person is really guilty. What if we execute an innocent person?

I am an atheist, but try not to preach my position too much!

Blasé said...

1-I was raised next door to an Old Scottish couple. Worst neighbors we had.

2-They do heart transplants…but they can’t remove a piece of pencil lead??

3-Cats are useless unless you live on a farm (mice/rats)

13- STOP IT!

19- My wife has weak-ass fart

20- I actually like TO fuck

24- Where?

25- Why?

29- Huh??

35- Usual story

37- Stay OUT of the Sun

38- I used to think that way

41- better than having a boring cat

43- a “flighty” Red Head.. ;)

46- Poor Baby!

47- that is sooo lame

54- Do you remove your piercings?

59- See # 37

60- Sometimes I prefer chocolate instead of sex. Sometimes I prefer chocolate WITH sex

64- I’ve never seen ‘Sound of Music’

65- Avoid piercings

67- Does someone need to twist your arm??

68- I bet those farts of yours are easily detected by your “keen” sense

70- See #s 59 & 37

74- ..too easy

77- See #s 70, 59 & 37

82- What, no finger nails??

83- Movies yes, Phil and Oprah- NO

85- Yeah! BUT can he lick your Navel….from the ‘inside’?

87- I’ll keep my eyes on your enhanced Tits

89- Being only 5’ will likely make it easier for # 85

91-Have hubby suck them off!

92- Geesh!

96- I’m too lazy to Google..

97- ..and rightly so!

99- I bet you Fart, too

100- Do they have Zoos in South Africa?

Gloria said...

I cry at Dr Phil and older Oprah shows too and yes, feet are seldom the prettiest things!

and number 97, my neighbour did the exact same thing but with a bird! And number 90, farting . . OMG!!

Loved this post but somehow, I feel that perhaps I know tooooo much about you . . only joking!!

Have a fabulous week!

Shayne said...

This was hilarious - just what i needed on my kak monday morning.

Ditto to:

No's - 3,10,15,17,18,21,27,32, 65

but especially:

23,34,45,55 & 60

Too many more and you may think i'm weird. but i think it's pretty weird that there are so many common denominators.

especially the toilet roll thing. freaks me out BIGTIME!

Kim Ayres said...

It took me a few weeks to create my 100 things list. The first 20 were easy, then it gor harder and harder. I had a word document permanently open on my desktop for when inspiration for another one struck.

Jeanette said...

I'm very very impressed that you got to 100 on the list! I would have given up ;)

Janie said...

oh , so you actually CAN ice-skate...where did you learn THAT ....'BOOBS'?? hehehehehehehehhehehehheheheh

Sally-Jane said...

I loved reading yours, I am working on my but I think I talk too much as I have like an essay for each point LOL

Steffe said...

I did a similar list at flickr, but that was just ten things. I haven't read all hundred things about you yet but I can still say that it's great reading.

Mimi and Tilly said...

You made me laugh out loud with this list and go "awww" all at the same time. Found you via Kim's blog and am glad I did. Love your idea of male Monday, and will be coming back to read more. Sending smiles.

natural girl said...

Farts and farting are considered hilarious in this house and I am proud of how loud mine are! Not semlly just loud. Our bed is actually called the fartsack. sounds disgusting but makes us both laugh.

This has inspired me and I will have to have a go at some stage.
I cry at random shit all the time. Movies, commercials, emails that go round time and again still give me a lump int my throat.
Charlottes web made me sob both when I read the book and saw the movie!
Read all one hundred entries and think you are awesome.
Sending choclate covered kisses.

Lady Fromage said...

72 - I also love orange! Secondary to green, but will buy anything in either color :)

-Lady Fromage

Miss Vicki said...

#90...Lmfao-vanilla of course...Awesome list :)


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