Purgery n. A crime that occurs when an individual willfully makes a false statement during a judicial proceeding, after he or she has taken an oath to speak the truth.
I create purgery everyday! I'm a sinner! Get yer hand-cuffs and punish me...
Okay - a bit dramatic - I not under oath or anything but I tell fibs everyday to cover my arse, to make people feel better and White Lies are also considered to be used for greater good. (So they tell me - Lord knows who "they" are).
For example....someone could ask you if their arse looks fat in their new designer white skin-tight leggings. It's not a pretty sight: the lumpy hail damage is clearly on display, the g-string is popping out the top and its not painting a pretty picture....
But they are so chuffed with their expensive new purchase that you tell a white lie and tell them they look great! All the time, biting your lip and crossing yer fingers behind your back.
I must say I have certain relationships that I just can't tell these fibs with. In all honesty, I can only create purgery when I am not particularly close to the person because I'm usually really fucking direct.
I'm the kind of friend who'll tell you that your arse looks fat in your new Guess jeans even if you could've just bought a small third world country instead. I'm the one who'll tell you that you have lipstick on yer teeth. I'm the kind of friend who picks stray hairs of yer jumper and fluff out your hair. But yet with aquaintenances and strangers I can lie like fly with a booger in your eye straight to your face with a huge fake grin (but you'll never be able to tell).
We are brought up being told never to tell lies but at what age it is acceptable to tell a white lie?
My 7-year-old daughter told me recently that she got into trouble at school for hitting a boy in the face with a tin pencil case. I asked her to tell me the story and tell me in her own words what happened. She immediately put her hand up to her mouth and gave me the glazed look but started with her story nevertheless, reading me for signs of catching her out.
I called her bluff.
Megan said that the boy had purposely dropped the pencil case on her foot and she'd pick it up and hurled it at him (hitting him in the head and causing him to bleed).
I gave her the usual talk - she knew it was coming.
"Megan, if someone hurts you, you hurt them back but only if they strike first".
You must understand that my eldest girl-child is a complete tom-boy and always plays with boys so I've had to teach her to stand up for herself and NOT take their shite. But, and here's the BIG BUTT, I knew she was fibbing.
I saw it in her body language and I saw it in her eyes. I'm her mother for fuck sake! She knew I knew. I just didn't know which part of her story was a fib.
Mum's have eyes in the back of their head and soopa sonic hearing when it comes to their kids.
I decided to do nothing until I'd spoken to her teacher. Her teacher confirmed my suspicions. The boy had accidentally dropped his pencil case on her foot and she, without thinking, on an impulse lobbed the innocent boy on the forehead.
Megan is always all about being just and fair. Megan doesn't bend the rules. Rules are rules and she obeys them. However, if she feels that she's being given the short end of the stick, she'll twist things...she's 7 for heaven's sake!
How can she be thinking like this already? She'd obvously thought about what story she was going to tell me.
The deceipt wasn't sitting right with me so I had another chat with her and told her that she sometimes has to think before reacting.
Yes, she has to stand up for herself but I didn't like the fact that she'd lied about the story to me. Purgery is punishable by jail time. She knew she was wrong and she was so hard on herself for disobeying the rules. She apologised to the little boy and case was close.
Lesson learned: Be sure your sins will find you out.