Saturday, 31 July 2010

A True Scot

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stonewall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes
they sat silently.

Then finally Sadie looked at the Angus andsaid, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'... perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

Sadie blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed.  The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

Minutes passed and Sadie spoke again.  "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo aboot time for a wee cuddle."

Sadie blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed.  And the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
 
After a while, Sadie again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg."
Sadie blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee.  Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over
the loch before Sadie spoke again.

"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
 
The young man glanced down with a furled brow "Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time.'  
"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
 
"Aye," said the lad, nodding. 

Sadie looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request. 

Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"

Friday, 30 July 2010

55 Flash Fiction Friday - Episode 15

Join me in playing this writing game with hundreds of other bloggers including G-Man, Steveroni and Brian Miller  called 55 Flash Fiction Fridays.

Random Acts of Kindness 
Are Few and Far Between 
The pleasure’s in the giving 
Watching faces gleam 

Bestowing something trivial 
They never did expect 
A hug, a smile, a minor bequest 
Witnessing the joyful affect 

Never take things for granted 
As modest as they seem 
For someone around the corner 
Is ready to make you beam.


 FlogYoBlog Friday over at MummyTime.  Go check it out!  


Thursday, 29 July 2010

Trust Me - I'm a Blogger

Looks like I might be flying down to be with my mum in Natal next week as she's scheduled to have her Vertebroplasy on Tuesday morning.  My sister and I will be flying down with the girls to be with her while she has the operation - just to give a bit of moral support.  

Lets hope things fall into place so we can make this happen and be there for my mum's big surgery.




Wednesday, 28 July 2010

Update

This week I haven't been very well.  Woke up on Monday morning at about 1am and could stop throwing up.  I hate puking, especially when its projectile and comes through yer nose.  Urgh!  That bitterness never seems to go away.  Anyway on Monday I got ready to go to work, dropped the girls off at school and thought I was feeling better but the nauseausness lasted the entre day.  At one point I was sitting in a meeting and had to keep swallowing so that I wouldn't vomit over everyone.  Then I couldn't hold it any longer and just made it to the bathrooms in time.  I went home early on Monday and spent the entire afternoon in bed sleeping.  Tuesday I spent the entire day fighting nausea and laying on the couch.

I'm back at work today but feeling very delicate.  I hope it was just a bug that I have gotten rid of now.

It was parents day for Megan yesterday who is in Grade 1 and she got an awesome report!  She is excelling in almost everything!  They score them from 1 to 4.  One being poor and 4 being excellent.  She got all 3's and mostly 4's.  I am so proud of her - she is doing so well. My conscienscious little girl loves her arithmetic and is so good with numbers.  Her teacher is super impressed with her and I couldn't be happier!  Her dad said that for every 4 she gets, she'll get R10 and she can put them altogether with her tooth fairy money and get herself a Jay-board.  Megan is super chuffed so I guess we'll have to fit in a shopping spree this weekend for her too.

This weekend we have a busy one: two kiddies birthday parties on Sunday for the girls to go to, one football game on Saturday and a braai on Saturday afternoon. I was hoping for a quiet one but no such luck...

Could you ever imagine that two girls could have so much fun with an empty box?  Who needs to buy expensive toys?  An empty box keeps them amused for ages!


My girls:
Kaylin and Megan customize their cardboard box

Megan pulling KK around the garden


My Boerewors pulling Megan


Me pulling Kaylin at high speed


Tuesday, 27 July 2010

Pickles

Kaylin and Pickles


Megan and Pickles


Pickles has forgiven us after her Saturday bathe


Then the girls got rockin'
Megan bashing the drums, Kaylin giving us some guitar riffs


Megan working the drums


Kaylin lickin the lead guitar - watch out Jack White!

Monday, 26 July 2010

Women vs Men in the Shower

How To Shower Like a Woman 
  • Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks. 
  • Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. 
  • If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas in case he wants to grope you. 
  • Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc. 
  • Get in the shower. 
  • Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. 
  • Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. 
  • Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. 
  • Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced. 
  • Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. 
  • Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. 
  • Rinse conditioner off hair. 
  • Shave armpits and legs. 
  • Turn off shower. 
  • Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. 
  • Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner. 
  • Get out of shower. 
  • Dry with towel the size of a small country. 
  • Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. 
  • Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. 
  • If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas. 
How To Shower Like a Man 
  • Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
  • Scratch yer crotch. 
  • Walk naked to the bathroom, cocking yer leg to crack a loud stanky fart. 
  • If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound. 
  • Look at your manly physique in the mirror and flex yer biceps. 
  • Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum. 
  • Get in the shower. 
  • Wash your face. 
  • Wash your armpits. 
  • Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. 
  • Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Try and squeeze out another one.
  • Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. 
  • Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap. 
  • Wash your hair. 
  • Make a Shampoo Mohican 
  • Pee. 
  • Partially dry off. 
  • Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time. 
  • Admire willy size in mirror again. 
  • Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. 
  • Return to bedroom with towel around waist. 
  • If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again. 
  • Throw wet towel on bed.

Sunday, 25 July 2010

Armed and Dangerous!

The girls loved all the bayonets and guns, tanks and aircraft.
I enjoyed it too - its so well-kept and clean.  A great day out with the kids, very interesting and informative
(the hot chocolate at the War Coffee Shoppe was to die for)


Kaylin manning one of the big guns


Kaylin and Megan


Kaylin, Riaan and Megan


Kaylin Gillian and Megan

Saturday, 24 July 2010

Pussy Gets Wet

Our cat, Pickles, had her first bath today and was NOT impressed. 

Here's how to bath a cat:

1. Open the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat from his hiding place and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids
(you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).
CAUTION: Don't get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws and claws will be reaching out to grab anything they can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides a "powerwash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside where he will dry himself.


Okay, so here how to really bath a cat:

Pickles
Before her bath, calm and relaxed


Pickles getting wet


Look at that face! 
Help me!


"I hate you!" and I'd claw your fucking eyes out if I can the chance.


Getting all lathered up


Not fucking impressed!

Nearly a year ago since I saw my Mum!

Next month it will be ONE WHOLE year since I've seen my mum.  Some of you know that I'm very close to my mum and she lives over 700km away from me down at the South Coast of South Africa.  I miss her every day and we talk on the phone at least once or twice a week.  Click HERE to find out when she visited last year.

So much has happened since then...

My dad had a major car accident where he suffered a bad head and knee injury and took forever to recover.  My mum landed up in hospital with pneumonia and has been suffering with her back ever since.  She called me on Thursday last week to say she'd been back to the doctor thinking it was just her normal arthritis in her back.  The doc put her on anti inflamatory and pain meds for a week but nothing improvied so she went back and he ordered x-rays.

Well, the xrays came back and my mum's been diagnosed with severe osteoperosis in her back and her vertabrae have collapsed and are crumbling.  Some of the vertabrae are actually fractured from leaning on one another for so long.  She needs to have a MRI done to figure out in detail the damage and then she'll have to have Vertebroplasty surgergy.

The ortheopedic specialist said that her spine is so deteriorated that they only thing they can do for her at this stage is injection acrylic cement into her vertabrae so that they can realign her vertabrae and alleviate her chronic pain she has constantly. Sounds painful and quite drastic!

I'm terrified! 

I want to be there for her when she has the surgery.  She conceals her pain well and always wants to appear strong and "fine" but I want to be there to help her.  This is going to be huge for her and a long recovery. I know my mum is strong but she's a tiny wee woman and looks so frail.  She hates taking any kind of medication because it makes her throw up and she can't afford to throw up because she's trying so hard to put on weight.  Its a vicious cycle.

I miss her so much and want to be there for her.

Friday, 23 July 2010

55 Flash Fiction Friday - Episode 14

Join me in playing this writing game with hundreds of other bloggers including G-Man, Steveroni and Brian Miller  called 55 Flash Fiction Fridays.

The small pleasures in life are often the best 
A hot bubble bath on a cold winters evening 
A bar of chocolate while watching your favourite TV show 
A tender kiss on the cheek from your beloved 
A tight squeeze from your child 
“I love you” whispered in our ear. 
What more do we need?



FlogYoBlog Friday over at MummyTime.  Go check it out! 


Over at One Crazy Brunette Chick
Fek You to the asswipe who parked me in at KK's school this morning.
Fek You to the skank who rammed my heels at the shops and almost caused me to cry...almost!
Fek You to the shitbag hadida bird that shat on my car.  I never thought a bird could cause such a splatter.

Thursday, 22 July 2010

Is that a Banana in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?

After reading this, you'll never look at a banana in the same way again.  And no I'm not talking about phallic bananas either (thats a whole other Xrated blog post)...

Profound Banana Philosophy 1:
If a person walking down an empty desert highway early in the morning slips on a banana peel, falls and kills themself, does it make a sound?  Banana Peel : The silent, but deadly killer.


Bananas contain three natural sugars - sucrose, fructose and glucose combined with fibre. A banana gives an instant, sustained and substantial boost of energy. Research has proven that just two bananas provide enough energy for a strenuous 90-minute workout. No wonder the banana is the number one fruit with the world's leading athletes.
But energy isn't the only way a banana can help us keep fit. It can also help overcome or prevent a substantial number of illnesses and conditions, making it a must to add to our daily diet.

The amazing health benefits of bananas:

Depression
According to a recent survey undertaken by MIND amongst people suffering from depression, many felt much better after eating a banana. This is because bananas contain tryptophan, a type of protein that the body converts into serotonin, known to make you relax, improve your mood and generally make you feel happier. So ditch your Prozac, skanks for a Nana!

PMS
Forget the pills - eat a banana! The vitamin B6 it contains regulates blood glucose levels, which can affect your mood.

Anaemia
High in iron, bananas can stimulate the production of haemoglobin in the blood and so helps in cases of anaemia.

Blood Pressure
This unique tropical fruit is extremely high in potassium yet low in salt, making it perfect to beat high blood pressure. So much so, the US Food and Drug Administration has just allowed the banana industry to make official claims for the fruit's ability to reduce the risk of blood pressure and stroke.

Brain Power
Two hundred students at a school in England were helped through their exams this year by eating bananas at breakfast, break, and at lunch, in a bid to boost their brain power. Research has shown that the potassium-packed fruit can assist learning by making pupils more alert.

Constipation
High in fibre, bananas included in the diet can help restore normal bowel action, helping to overcome the problem without resorting to laxatives.

Hangovers
One of the quickest ways of curing a hangover from hell is to make a banana milkshake, sweetened with honey. The banana calms the stomach and, with the help of the honey, builds up depleted blood sugar levels, while the milk soothes and rehydrates your system.

Heartburn
Bananas have a natural antacid effect in the body, so if you suffer from heartburn, try eating a banana for soothing relief.

Morning Sickness
Snacking on bananas between meals helps to keep blood sugar levels up and avoid morning sickness.

Mosquito Bites
Before reaching for the insect bite cream, try rubbing the affected area with the inside of a banana skin. Many people find it amazingly successful at reducing swelling and irritation.

Nerves
Bananas are high in B vitamins that help calm the nervous system.

potato crisps
Swap these for a banana when you snack at work
Overweight and at Work?
Studies at the Institute of Psychology in Austria found pressure at work leads to gorging on comfort food like chocolate and chips. Looking at 5 000 hospital patients, researchers found the most obese were more likely to be in high-pressure jobs. The report concluded that, to avoid panic-induced food cravings, we need to control our blood sugar levels by snacking on high carbohydrate foods every two hours to keep levels steady. Take a banana to work with you so that when that craving hits you have something healthy to snack on.


Ulcers
The banana is used as the dietary food against intestinal disorders because of its soft texture and smoothness. It is the only raw fruit that can be eaten without distress in over-chronicler cases. It also neutralises over-acidity and reduces irritation by coating the lining of the stomach.

Temperature Control
Many cultures see bananas as a 'cooling' fruit that can lower both the physical and emotional temperature of expectant mothers. In Thailand, for example, pregnant women eat bananas to ensure their baby is born with a cool temperature.

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)
Bananas can help SAD sufferers because they contain the natural mood enhancer tryptophan.

Smoking and Tobacco UseBananas can also help people trying to give up smoking. The B6 and B12 they contain, as well as the potassium and magnesium found in them, help the body to recover from the effects of nicotine withdrawal.

Stress
Potassium is a vital mineral, which helps to normalise the heartbeat, send oxygen to the brain and regulate the body's water balance. When we are stressed, our metabolic rate rises, reducing our potassium levels. These can be rebalanced with a high-potassium banana snack.

Strokes
According to research in The New England Journal of Medicine, eating bananas as part of a regular diet can cut the risk of death by strokes by as much as 40%!

Warts
Those keen on natural alternatives swear that if you want to kill off a wart, take a piece of banana skin and place it on the wart, with the yellow side out. Carefully hold the skin in place with a plaster or surgical tape!

So, a banana really is a natural remedy for many ills. When you compare it to an apple, it has four times the protein, twice the carbohydrates, three times the phosphorus, five times the vitamin A and iron, and twice the other vitamins and minerals. It is also rich in potassium and is one of the best value foods around.

So maybe it’s time to change that well-known phrase so that we say:  'A banana a day keeps the doctor away!'

Wednesday, 21 July 2010

Gone in 6 Seconds!


Here are the 6 things that guys notice about you within the first 6 seconds of meeting you.

According to a new study, a person’s physical appearance allows others to form surprisingly accurate first impressions. So you may want to think twice about what kind of image you’re projecting with these traits dudes check out immediately.
1. Your Smile
Does it seem sweet and genuine? Does it seem awkward and forced? Does it seem like you ate a sesame-seed and parsley salad for lunch based on what’s lodged between every single one of your teeth?

2. Your Hair
Guys have no idea what split ends are, and if you mention roots, they just think of the band. But they do look to see if your hair looks 1. soft and 2. as though it would smell good. So don’t request “The Gosselin” at the salon, and wash it every so often. That’s all guys ask.

3. Your Cleavage
Newsflash: Dudes like to look at your chest.  No fucking shit Sherlock... Now, that’s not to say they think all women should unbutton their shirts to their bellybuttons at funerals. (Though really, who are guys to judge?) But they will notice how you’re showing off what you’ve got.

4. Your Makeup
If you’re wearing so much makeup that it looks like you’ve painted an entirely new face on top of your actual face, guys will wonder if you’re trying to cover up some bizarre deformation — or if you’re Gotham City’s most dangerous criminal mastermind.

5. Your Skin
You know that blemish you’ve been obsessing over all day because it’s so huge? Chances are guys won’t even notice. What will they notice? If you look like a jaundiced Oompa-Loompa because of overenthusiastic tanning.

6. Your Bag
Are all women who haul around big purses (that would be me)  in other words, cavernous rucksacks stuffed full of old receipts, emergency sweaters, and half-used bottles of hand sanitizer, high maintenance? Maybe not. But guys will go ahead and assume they are anyway.

Tuesday, 20 July 2010

Whats in Your Basket?

A challenge: The Princess has spoken and has issued an awesome challenge out to Bloggerville.
This one is a goodie so get yer arses over there and read all about it. Essentially it is this...

Not thinking, you rush through the store grabbing the items you need... only to find yourself standing at the back of the line holding a leather collar, a box of Trojans and a bottle of chocolate syrup. About halfway to the register, it hits you! "OMG! I look like a total sex freak!!"



What three things would be in your WTF basket?

If you join the challenge, don't forget to post your linky in my comments section below so I can also have a good giggle at all the answers.

How about?

*  Pool Acid
*  Dustbin Liners
*  Rubber Gloves

Toozday Giggle

Been so busy at work lately, I haven't had time to blog properly.  Promise I'll be back soon with some juicy posts...in the mean time here is something to keep ye smilin'...

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

A pessimist's blood type is always B-negative.

Practise safe eating - always use condiments.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but mean your mother.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

He used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumour.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in colour, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tyred.

What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism, your count votes.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

The calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and it taint mine.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

When an actress saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

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