Thursday, 30 June 2011

Cuz I'm a RedHead

Just clarifying a few misconceptions about stereotyped red heads or gingers.

Don't forget you have a couple more days to enter my Caption My Freaky Photo Competition HERE

Wednesday, 29 June 2011

Great Wall of Vagina

At home this week with pneumonia, taking it easy and surfing the net for all sorts of weird and whacky shite as usual,  I came across this project which has now turned into quite the event. 

Check it out!

The World Premiere Exhibition of Great Wall of Vagina is on at the studio where it was created until the end of June 2011.
Mon - Sun 11am - 6pm.

The 9 metre long polyptych consists of four hundred plaster casts of vulvas, all of them unique, arranged into ten large panels. The artist, Jamie McCartney, set out to make this project as broad and inclusive as possible. The age range of the women is from 18 to 76. Included are mothers and daughters, identical twins, transgendered men and women as well as a woman pre and post natal and another one pre and post labiaplasty.
It’s not vulgar, it’s vulva! This isn’t just sensation, it is art with a social conscience and McCartney wants people to stop, look and listen. This is about grabbing the attention, using humour and spectacle, and then educating people about what normal women really look like. Described as “the Vagina Monologues of sculpture” this piece is intended to change the lives of women, forever.

A woman is like a tea bag - you can not tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.

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Tuesday, 28 June 2011

Things I wish I was good at

Here are a few things I wish I was a whole lot better at doing: 
Movie Crying. Behold, a few delicate tears adorning a cheek. Instead, with me it’s The Ugy Cry. The blotchy, unmitigated werewolf’s howl and snotty sobbing. So not sexy!

Interacting with teenagers. No, I do NOT want to listen to your fucking awful Rihanna remix on a tinny cellphone or watch a video clip of Bieber swishing his hair again. Awkward.

Discovering a great book before everyone else does.

Being a charming, carefree drunk, rather than the drunk who decides this is the best time to bring up deep-seated emotional issues and beastly sneers.  "Dronk verdriet" is not pretty.

Which leads me neatly into The Hangover Paranoia that I might’ve made an utter fucking idiot of myself the night before.   To be fair though, its usually because I have thinking I can sing like Celine Dion and dancelike J.Lo.  The photos tell a different story.

Overcoming our inner cheapskate and ditching that two-year-old favourite mascara, or stubby lipstick from a decade ago. Hey, you never know when you might need gold shimmer lipstick.  I'm a Scot I hate having to spend my hard earned cash.

Maintaining the matching underwear level of effort in a relationship.   A year in, we’re happy to sit in front of him and devour so much food that we break a sweat and then cock yer leg to fart.

Showing restraint at the complementary bar at a wedding. There WILL be photos and I WILL look like a savage clutching both an entire bottle of wine and one glass while singing Tina Turner karaoke!

Customising clothes. No Trinny and Susannah, I do not look “fierce”. I look like I’ve subject to stuff to a massacre.  I'll stick to the classic look.

Not looking up his ex on Facebook, cackling like an old whore when she looks terrible and fat; and then spiraling into deep gloom and despair when she looks glamorous and soopa skinny. Biatch!

A DIY French manicure. Firstly I’d love nails (I chew), secondly it would look like I’d dipped my fingertips in Tippex.

Wise-owl life-changing pearls of wisdom. Our favourite gems? “You look great with a fringe”, “There’s more fish in the sea” and “Just get an overdraft”.

Don't forget to go and enter this week's Caption My Freak Photo #11 by clicking HERE

Caption My Freaky Photo Competition #11

Yip, do what it says Plonkers and Caption my Freaky Photo, like we do every Tuesday, and win a wee something from A Daft Scots Lass!

Monday, 27 June 2011

Monday Music Moves Me


This week's Monday's Music Moves Me theme is Bands with One Word.  Go Link up with Xmas Dolly and enjoy the toonz.

Sunday, 26 June 2011

Weekend Vlog

Saturday, 25 June 2011

And This Weeks Winner Is..

Congratulations to Lesley over at Fabulously Flawed.  You are this week's winner.  Email me your postal address at and I'll send your goodies.

Here is her Caption:
"This loofah squeaks more than my usual but...whatever."

Be sure to pop in on Tuesday for another chance to win a wee something from me and another Caption My Freaky Photo #11

Friday, 24 June 2011

Friday's Shoegasm, a Fawk You Friday and a Vlog

Today I'm taking my hubby away for the night.  We're going to Magaliesburg to stay at a pretty lodge for the night and the girls are going to sleep over at my sister's house.  I have a great surprise adventure planned for Saturday morning and I'll post about it when I get back because its still a secret.

Take my Friday's Shoegasm button and join me in posting your favourite pair of hooker heels.   

I don't know who does them or where to find them, but I LOVE these!
Manolo Blahnik US$945  Ouch! $200
Giuseppe Zanotti Woven Platform Shiny High Heel Sandals $695

Badgley Mischka $245

Bebe $100
Manolo Blahnik.  You don't ask the price of these ones.
*Sigh*  I will probably NEVER own a pair of Christian Louboutins but that doesn't stop me looking, dreaming and drooling

BWS tips button

Its also Fawk You Friday!  So, go and link up with Boobies and Christy and let it all oot!  Give these girls a whirl, they're brilliant.

  • Fuck you to The Beatles who wrote Let it Be.  That song makes me cry EVERY fucking time!
  • Fuck you to the disgusting Stevia pills that I'm using in my tea instead of brown sugar.  It DOESN'T taste the same, assbags.  Its blah!  But I have lost 3kg since I started using it.
  • Fuck You to Natalie Portman who looked absa lootly stunning in Black Swan, which I watched over the weekend. I was gob-smacked by her beauty, elegance and acting.  Yeah, the first half was a bit slow but the second half was whacky and creepy (just the way I like it).  How can a woman who lost all her fucking body fat for this film, be so breath-taking?  Normally, I hate waifs (perhaps I'm secretly jealous - of course I am).  Ballerinas always have a magical place in my heart.  They just take my breath away. 
  • A huge Fuck You to the woman from ABSA Customer Services in Durban, who just phoned to crap on me because some random guy came in to her branch telling her that he has my old phone number.  He says keeps getting text messages from the bank.  Hey! I changed my details with the bank, Bitch - who then is sending him text messages?  Me or You?  Sort it out, asswipe.  She didn't bank on getting a foul-mouthed Scots Lass on the other end of the phone who gave her "what for".

Now Plonkers, you have ONE more day to win Caption my Freaky Photo #10 so click on the link and go leave a comment.

Thursday, 23 June 2011

What the Frikadel?! Things That Prove I am an Old Fart

1. Windows XP was released TEN years ago, in 2001.

2. The "new" Millennium is more than a decade old.

3. Pierce Brosnan last acted as James Bond 9 years ago.

4. It's been 10 years since 9/11

5. The Matrix came out 12 years ago, Keanu Reeves is 46 years old.

6. Mother Theresa and Lady Diana have been dead for 14 years.

7. Macaulay Culkin is 30. "Home Alone" came out over 20 years ago.

8. Terminator 2 is 20 years old. Edward Furlong who portrayed kid John Connor is 33 now.

9. Sean Connery is 80 years old and retired.

10. The youngest Spice Girl is 35, the oldest Backstreet Boy 39, Gwen Stefani is 41, Madonna 52

11. The first Harry Potter book came out 14 years ago!

12. The first season of F.R.I.E.N.D.S was aired 17 years ago!

13. 'Kids' born in 1993 can legally drive, drink and vote this year.

14. Jurassic Park is older than Justin Bieber!

15. Bryan Adams' cult song "Summer of 69? was released 26 years ago.

16. Kids whom you remember in their nappies are posting pics of themselves smoking on Facebook

17. Facebook has been around for 7 years!

So Plonkers, when J.Lo says " its a new generation of party people", she is NOT referring to us 

Put that in yer pipe 'n smoke it. 

Wednesday, 22 June 2011

Castor Oil Beauty Tip

Did you know....

...that if you have over-tweezed your eye brows  and you want them to grow back quicker to their original bushy brows, all you have to do is take a cotton-bob, dip it in Castor Oil and apply to the brows morning and night.

Castor Oil helps stimulates the eye-brows bulbs to grow back and ultimately encourages the bushy brows to grow back. Remember that it won't be an overnight process, so be patient.

Beauty Fact :  Skinny, over-tweezed eye brows makes you look older

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Its Called Planking, Plonkers and Teacher Update

Planking is a new global phenomenon.  Planking is when you lie down on arb objects keeping your body stiff as a plank and take photos doing it.

Exhibit A

Hubby decided to try planking the other day, he made his body stiff as a board and fell on the bed.  One of the springs gave a massive TWANG!   Well, I thought he'd broken the bed and I haven't laughed so much in ages.  I nearly wet my knickers.  It was fucking hysterical.  

Needless to say planking has become my new pass time.  I will be posting pictures of me planking everywhere and anywhere.

Now I've got a bee in my bonnet about planking.

So have you tried it?  Send me your pics of you planking and I'll make a planking collage (if I get enough daft fuckers interested).

Go Planking, Plonkers!

I dare ye.

Remember I bitched and whine on Fawk You Friday a couple of weeks ago, about a Fucked up teacher that refused oor Megan the use of the bathroom, which made her wet herself?  Well, as promised, here is the update:
Well, I got feedback from the principal of the after-care facility and the teacher concerned was mortified!  And damn fucking straight for her being mortified too.

Firstly, here’s the email I wrote the principal:

I would like to bring the following incident to your attention which concerned me enormously.

Megan  attended homework class with Mrs X on 7 June 2011 (I believe that she is a Grade 2 Teacher at x Primary) and approximately half way through the homework class, Megan put her hand up to request to be excused in order to go to  the bathroom.  Not only she was refused, but Megan reported that she shouted a very loud “No!” back at her.

Megan said she then proceeded to finish her homework and lay down on her arms, while wiggling around in order to keep her urine in but unfortunately, she wet herself. She did not empty her entire bladder but Megan said her underwear and her tracksuit pants were wet!

Megan said that she then again asked Mrs X if she could go to the bathroom and this time she yelled at Megan “Just Go!”.

I feel that this kind of attitude and behavior is totally unacceptable!

When I questioned Megan about this, in order to get all the details, she said that she had not been misbehaving, that she was listening and doing her homework in silence just as Mrs X had request.  Megan has an impeccable behavior record (as I am sure you are aware, if not, speak to her regular Teacher).

Why should my child be denied the use of a body function that we all need to perform?  Why should she be put through the humiliation and embarrassment of wetting herself in class and in front of her peers?  Even if she was misbehaving, which she wasn’t, a child should never be refused the right to go to relieve themselves.  Not being allowed to go to the bathroom should NOT be used as a punishment!

I realise that some children may take chances in order to get out of class or get out of doing homework, but this was obviously a legitimate request in this instance.

In my opinion, I feel this teacher needs to be seriously reprimanded and reminded that she is dealing with our 7 and 8 year old children.  She should be reminded that under no circumstances should she use denying the use of the bathroom as punishment! 
I understand we all have bad days and dealing with a variety of different levels of undisciplined children all day cannot be an easy task. However, this is Mrs Xs choice to be a teacher.  She should behave or at least pretend that she at least wants to be there for the children.

I look forward to hearing from you promptly.

So, I got a call that evening from the principal to personally apologize to ME.  I reminded her that I am not the one that she should be apologizing to.  I wasn’t the one who was embarrassed in front of an entire class of children! 

The Principal scheduled a meeting with the teacher concerned and said she’d call me for a follow up meeting with me once she’d met with the teacher and got her side of the story.

After The principals meeting with the Teacher, the Principal called me into a meeting.  I took the opportunity to tell her again that her teachers shouldn’t run a fucking concentration camp.  I was not impressed at all! 

The teacher in question formally apologized and said it would not happen again.  Sure as fuck it won’t happen again.  I once again said that the Teacher should apologize to Megan face-to-face - not to me.  I actually didn’t want to see her otherwise I would’ve slapped her Bitchy face for her.

I stated that if ANY incident happens with this teacher again, I want her disciplined! 

Remember to go enter this week's Freaky Photo Competition.
Its for freeeee!

Tuesday, 21 June 2011

Caption My Freaky Photo Competition #10

Toozday means I'm thrilled to bits and you have been eagerly awaiting...Caption my Freaky Photo.  

Can you believe its Competition #10 already? Yipee! 

You Plonkers know what to do by now, leave a comment to caption the photo below and win a wee something special.  Oh yeah!!!

Monday, 20 June 2011

Monday Music Moves Me


Its Monday's Music Moves Me over at Xmas Dolly.  Go link up and share your rockin' toonz

Remember to come back tomorrow for this week's Caption My Freak Photo Competition #10. Its a cracker!

Sunday, 19 June 2011

Happy Birthday To Wee Meeeeeee and Happy Father's Day!

Some Birthday Pictures!

Our Wee Family

Mr and Mrs Daft Scots Lass

Daddy and his girls

A Daft Scots Lass and her Man.
A Daft Scots Lass and her Girls
And then We Fell down

And had a good giggle

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Saturday, 18 June 2011

Marinate the Nether Rod in the Squish Mitten by Dirty Sanchez

Some of my pals have some pretty Whackadoodle names for gettin' yer hump on.  Here are some of them that made me laff.  I hope they do the same for you:

  • Doing The Deed
  • Hammer Time
  • Bumping Uglies
  • Nookie
  • Going for a Tumble
  • Getting Jiggy Wif It
  • Doin' the Nasty
  • Making Whoopie
  • Riding The Old Long Donkey
  • Hide The Salami
  • Dippin Yer Wick
  • Booty Call
  • Gettin' Some
  • Fool Around
  • Kwikkie
  • Shagging
  • Hiding the One-Eyed Snake
  • Bonk
  • Rumpy Pumpy
  • Bamchickawaawaa
  • Bump 'n Grind
  • Couch Rugby
  • Batter Dip the Cranny Ax in the gut locker  
  • Kanoodling
  • Humping
  • Tasting the Nectar
  • Hokey Pokey
  • Horizontal Mamba
  • Makin' Bacon
  • Kill Some Time
  • Marinate the nether rod in the squish mitten
  • Jangle Tangle
  • Chachiiiiiing!
  • Clean the Pipes
  • Rock 'n Roll
  • Slap 'n Tickle
  • Burying the Boner
  • Roll in the Hay
  • Power drill the yippe bog with the Dude Piston
  • The Hairy Knock-Knock
What do you call it?

Come back tomorrow for my Birthday Vlog!

And The Winner Is...

This Caption My Freaky Photo Competition #9 has been my favourite so far.  So many brilliant comments.  It was hard to choose just ONE caption that made me laugh.  They were all so awesome.  You Plonkers are fekking Freaks!

Congratulations to Bushman!

He wrote this genius caption that blew me away and had me clutching my crotch and running for the bathroom.  I nearly wet my knickers!

"Middle aged men can be storm troopers too. It's not really a bald spot anyways it's a solar panel for a sex machine!"
You guys rock my fucking face off!
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Friday, 17 June 2011

Friday's Shoegasm, a few Fawk Yous and an Incredibly Talented Bloke!

A long weekend here in SA - well for me anyway - the girls' schools were closed yesterday and Thursday was Youth Day.   Four days at home and my Birthday on Sunday.  How brilliant is that?

Take my Friday's Shoegasm button and join me in posting your favourite pair of kick-arse heels.   


Gotta slip a pair of The Master's shoes into my birthday week's Shoegasm *drool*

Giuseppe Zanotti $750.00
Betsey Johnson $129
Sam Edelman $100
Naughty Monkey $65.00

BWS tips button

Its also Fawk You Friday!  So, go and link up with Boobies and Christy and tell us who fucked you off and pissed on yer battery.

  • Fuck you to postal service to lost a few of my letters in the mail. Don't they know how precious those awesome Daft Scots Lass Temp tattoos are?
  • Fuck you to this persistant flu that has been trying to invade my body. I've had earache and a sore throat the entire week.  Perhaps its time to go to the doctor.
This dude is fuckin' SOOPA talented!!  ENJOY
Now Plonkers, you have ONE more day to Caption my Freaky Photo #9 and win so click on the link and go leave a comment.


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