Wednesday, 30 November 2011

BlogFestivus and the 12 Days of Christmas Challenge

Sign up for the Blog Festivus!

Why, I hear you ask?

I'm hoping this will BITCH SLAP me into the Christmas Spirit because I haven't manged ferret it out yet this year and its fucking December already!

Head on over to Blogdramedy to sign up and read the rules.  The short version is - you do 12 posts in 12 days about the song The Twelve Days of Christmas in 144 words (12 x 12).  You know how it goes, drumming, piping, leaping, dancing, milking 

On the twelfth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Twelve drummers drumming,
Eleven pipers piping,
Ten lords a-leaping,
Nine ladies dancing,
Eight maids a-milking,
Seven swans a-swimming,
Six geese a-laying,
Five golden rings,
Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves,
And a partridge in a pear tree!

Let's get creative and into the Christmas Spirit!

How to Fondle the Proxy Penis

Happy Wednezday, Plonkers...

Here are 12 things you may wish you didn't know....

You touch 15 Cocks a Day!

Indirectly, but still.  It's by touching things recently by someone who's just touched their junk.  We're pretty grossed out at the thought of indirectly groping someone's cock, let alone 15!  Every time you touch a doorknob just imagine how nmany knobs you're fondling!  Not too different from fiving out wristies on Oxford Road...

Porn Doesn't Pay

Ever thought about quitting your desk job for a bed job?  That in your next life you'd be making a killing mining for Marmite down the next Jenna Jameson's holiest of holeys?  Forget it, Plonkers!  Not only is it almost impossible for a straight bloke to get a break in the adult film industry, the slary male porn stars earn is positively pitiful.  Still, STDs and living on the breadline aside, there's something to be said for nailing your dream job.

The Floating Island of Crap

The Great Pacific Garbage Patch is almost half the size of South Africa!  The world's largest landfill is completely unregulated, an island of plastic bottles, busted computers, manky toothbrushes and used connies.  And its there to stay.  Blah!

The Interwebz Never Forgets

Everything you've ever posted online is still there, somewhere, in the formless cornucopia of bits, bytes and feeds on the net.  Google can rat you out if the authorities ask for your info!

You're Taxed to the Max

Up to 60% of what you earn goes to the government.  That's tax on your salary, 14% VAT, carbon tax, tax on petrol and the e-toll system, which could chow R1000 a month if you commute between Jozi and Tswane!  The NHI is coming and as if that isn't enough, a one per cent tax has also been propsed to keep your favourite state broadcaster afloat.  And that on top of a fucking recession!

What Polony is really made of

The manufactuerers claim there's nothing substandard about he meat they use but when you're munching on that slimy pink tube, you're eating everthing they can't use in other products, ears, eyes, snouts and even testicles - all minced together and set in a fatty jelly made by boiling a pig's head.  YUMMERZ!

Shite in yer Nose

You don't smell anything with
out molecules binding to your olfactory receptors, so next time you're exposed to anal acoustics in a crowded lift know that you're ingesting little particles of poop.  When you flush a toilet, faecal matter is flung up six meters from the bowl, so chips your toothbrush!  And all air freshener does is mask the methane - shite that smells like lavender is still shite - just more insidious.

I See Stupid People

A staggering 41% of Yanks believe the rapture will happen by 2050.  Yes, almost half the population of what's still Earth's most powerful country are convinced that soon the faithful will be spirited away while they're sleeping, stuck in traffic or molesting altar boys.  These are the same people who aren't sold on global warming, probably because they think they'll be gone before the fallout.

Piracy Police are Pending

You've been scavenging the interwebz for everything your cap allows since you first learnt an mp3 isn't a form you have to submit to SARS.  But soon you may have to settle for what you've already managed to plunder.  Copyright companies in the US and UK have teamed up with service providers to monitor usage and South Africa looks set ot join the piracy pooping.  Downloading the latest Dexter might have Big Brother knocking at yer door.

Childbirth is Horrific

The miracle of life is also on of its biggest horrors.  Most men just don't have the stomach to handle the lumpy, blood-soaked terror that emergest from your lady's lovely Love Garden after your baby comes out or the turd she's bound to let slip as she's pushing out your progeny.  Add to that vaginal tearing and the manky placenta and you'll have to work hard to view her as sexy again!

Planes carry minimal fuel

As if breathing the same air as that Asian couple wearing masks over their mouths for 12 hours isn't enough to make you want to bring  your own oxygen tank, aerooplanes carry just enough fuel to get your there.  next time you need to make a detour, hoe its not a major one.

Glee is more successful than The King

The tune-spouting troupe from Fox's hit TV show have had more Billboard Hot 100 hits than Elvis Presley!  I shite you not.  Now on in its third season and pumping out an average of five power-pop rehashes an episode, expect these adolescent dethroners to leave The King's previous record of 108 entries in a trite trail of synth and slick productions.

Put that in yer pipe 'n smoke it!  

Do you know of some other facts of life that are better left obsure?

Tuesday, 29 November 2011

Caption My Photo Competition #33

This week I got a BANGIN surprise from Mynx!  

She sent me pictures of her tootsies adorned with some kick-arse ink.  Thanx, Mynxi - you made my week and put a enormously broad smile to my dial. 

It's fekkin brilliant to know that my temporary tattoos are actually getting used and worn! 

And here is this week's daft photo for you beautiful Plonkers to caption.

Just do it!

Sisters With Blisters8km Walk 2011

Monday, 28 November 2011

Winter Wonderland

Hubby had his Year End Function on Saturday night and what an event it was! Over 3100 people from EOH gathered together to party in a Winter Wonderland.

I had done the Sisters With Blister 8km Walk that morning (in 5½ inch wedges) so my feet were killing me. I wore my slippers until we got to the parking lot of the venue.  I wanted to cry when I put my shoes on my feet were so swollen and tender!

The Party Goers

We arrived at 6:30 for Pre-Dinner Cocktails and were met my a massive hall with four podiums and on each on of them was a performing artist of sorts.  It took me about 20 minutes to realise this person was actually a young lad with an invisible penis and marble-sized scrotum!  

The others were fire blowers and ribbon twirlers and contortionists. At each corner of the hall they had set up mini photo stations where professional photographers had various Winter Wonderland scenes set up with snow machines, smoke machines. Very posh indeed.

The Pre-Dinner Entertainment

The Great Hall of over 300 tables of 12

The Stage and SA Idol runner up

The Food - Starters

The Tables

Winter Wonderland Decor

The food was terrific the company was boring and stiff but I was very proud of myself - I didn't say Fuck once the entire night.  I was on my best behaviour.  The entertainment was brilliant!  Our MC was comedian Loyiso Gota and the South African Idols Top 3.

After dessert the nightclub and dancing was opened up and everyone parties until the wee hours.


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