Tuesday, 31 July 2012

Caption My Photo Competition #62

Toozday means its time to caption a daft photo of mine and win a fantasticlicous Daft Scots Lass temporary tattoo. I know you want one.

If you don't fancy doing that, or can't think of anything remotely funny or creative, go check out my Weekend Vlog that I did on Saturday.

Monday, 30 July 2012

If days of the week were sex acts, Monday would be a dry, passionless, handjob...

Today is the day that my friend, Xmas Dolly, announces her big winner of all her awesome prizes for taking part in her weekly Monday Music Moves Me.  Good luck everyone!
This week's theme is Funny Songs.
Here are mine.

Still one of my old favourties

Remember that today is the day that I introduce my Featured Daily Blogger Button. See the green speach bubble on the right side bar, cute innit? Simply Click on it and every day it will take you on a new bloggy journey.  

I am starting with all my current Followers, but if you want to be featured before I get around to you, email me and I'll make sure you jump the queue.

Saturday, 28 July 2012

So You Think You Can Vlog?

Vloggity Vlog Interrupted and Daily Blog Features.

Dog Days of Summer Blog Hop

Jeremy is hosting a wild Dog Days of Summer blog hop during the second week of August (August 10-12)

The rules are simple. Write a brief post on one or all three topics below:

1) Describe your favorite summer activity thus far.
2) What activities do you plan before summer is over?
3) If you could have the ultimate vacation ever, where and what would it be?

Then bring yer laptop to the backyard, grab a beer, put some steaks on the braai, and hop around to as many of the blogs signed up below, leaving comments in your trail.

Go Sign up.  I have.

And The Winner Is...

And this week's caption winner is Sausage  
and here is his caption

Even a pretty kitty looks daft with a prick in her mouth!

Friday, 27 July 2012

Fuck Me SideWays. It's Friday again.

Happy Friday everyone. 

Whoooooooooooo-frikken-hoooooooooo lets party like its 1999.  Actually, just give me a weekend off so that I can go and see my mum.  I miss her so, so much and need to give her a big FAT cuddle very soon.  It's been seven months since I saw her last. 

I filed my annual tax return tonight and it calculates that I'm going to get a few thousand rands back so that means I can fly down to Durban, hire a car and go spend a weeend with my mummy.

Solve this mystery:

Isidore Fink was shot dead at 10:30pm on March 9 1929, in the back room of te Fifthy Avenue Laundry (which he owned) at 4 East 132nd Street in New York City.  The police were alerted by a neighbour, Mrs Locklan Smith, who had heard screaming and the sounds of a struggle.  When the officers arrived, they found that the doors to the room in which Fink lay were locked, and so they gained entry by lifting a small boy into the room through a transom window.

Fink had been shot twice in the chest ad once through the left hand, which showed powder burns.  No gun was found in the room.  There was money in Fink's pocket and in the cash register.

At first police theorised that whoever shot Fink, who always bolted the laundry doors when he worked at night, had climbed through the transom window.  But the window was small, as was the boy was was hoisted through it; and the quesiton of why an escaping murderr should climb through a small window instead of leaving by the door seemed unanswerable.  A second theory was that Fink had been shot from the hallway through the transom, but the powder burns on Fink's body showed that he had een shot from close range.  More than two years after the crime, New York Police Commission Edward P. Mulrooney called murder an "insoluble mystery"  (Charles Fort, The Complete Books of Charles Font, p.916;  The New York Times, March 10, 1929)
How would you explain that one?

Moving along to prettier things..

I stumbled across this dead brilliant Shoegasm website called Studio JellyFish that has the brawest selection of funky heels. They also do cute handbags and custom made wedding shoes.  Go hae a keek.

Comic Heels

Hmmmmm Chocolate Heels

Chihuahua Heels

Poker Heels

Ducky Heels

Remember to go Caption My Photo Competition.  Winner will be announced tomorrow.

Cheerio the noo, lovely Plonkers.

Thursday, 26 July 2012

Why is Emma's Fanny so BIG?

Right, before I start this post, I must warn all the blokes that I’m about to talk about periods.  Menstrual Cycles and such, so if you’re not up to it, don’t read, dudes.  Move away and clickit click on another post.
So, this morning I had to explain to my 9 year old daughter about menstruation. 
Wee Meg already has had the birds and the bees talk complete with this gesture to give her a visual of the process.  She giggled a lot when I told her but is now knowledgeable when it comes to sex, the methods, where everything goes and what the activity means. 

However, I did not tell her that time about menstruation and “becoming a lady” or should I rather say “becoming a PMS Bitch from Hell” (if she takes after her mum).

Here, is where I tell you HOW we managed to disembark on to the sensitive subject…because, frankly, I’m one of those mums who doesn’t schedule these talks.  I don’t have a agenda or calendar I follow for the talks of life and related  topics.    I just kinda wait for an opporchancity to present itself and then I dive straight in.  I don’t mince my words.  I tell it like it is, without being too crude or hard.  I am direct and make sure I get the point across.

Anyhoo, my 6 year old Kaylin was asking about the recent physical changes to our Emma-Pup.  Kaylin 
pointed to Emma’s private parts and yelled “Mum!  Why is Emma’s fanny so BIG?”. 

Of course I said “WHAT?!?”

And  immediately checked Emma’s personal puppy parts and low and behold, Emma’s fanny was all swollen and pink.  I also noticed that she was gingerly sitting off to one side and it looked like she was a little uncomfortable with all that substantial swelling.  I was completely caught off guard because she’s only about 9 months old! 

I didn’t know that puppies can go on heat for such an early age.  All the girl-pets we’ve every had were sterilized when they were only weeks old

Anyhoozer, I skitted over the subject with my 6 year old thinking it’s a wee bit too much for her to comprehend at the moment, but Megan was incredibly concerned.

I had to take her one side out of earshot of Kaylin’s radar ears  and explain to her in a wee bit more detail about Emma becoming a lady.  I had to explain about her menstrual cycle and that all girls go through it.  I told her your menstrual cycle is her passage into womanhood  and a sign of a healthy body. I explained about tampons and The Mooncup.

I thought I did an acceptable job because Megan curled her lip up and said “Eeeeew” a lot.  I guess she understood and it hit home. 

This got me thinking about when it happened to me for the first time.  I remember the day clear enough but I don’t actually remember my mum explaining to me about my periods before it happened, or after actually.  

It just kinda happened one day when I was about 13 and I thought I was fucking dying.  I kept wondering where all the blood was coming from and tried to recall where I’d hurt myself or fell. 

I remember Mum dispensing me a sanitary towel, told me what to do with it and that it will happen regularly from now on.  

I believe I wore the “Eeeeew” Face that day too, especially when my big sister called it a Surf Board.  She was so fucking gross.

How was your experience with your first period? 

Did you know all about it before it happened? 

What did your parent’s tell you?

Wednesday, 25 July 2012

Call Me Maybe

Monopoly South African Style

Mini Taxi Wars

Babbelas (pronounced bub-buh-luss) This refers to a morning-after hangover.

Bakkie (pronounced bucky) This commonly used word refers to a small pick-up truck.

Biltong (pronounced bill-tong) This South African favourite is dried and salted meat, similar to beef jerky, although it can be made from ostrich, kudu, beef or any other red meat. It is synonymous with rugby, another South African favourite.

Braai (pronounced br-eye). This is the popular South African version of a barbecue where meats such as steak, chicken and boerewors (boo-ruh-vorss) are cooked. Boerewors is a traditional spicy South African sausage made of beef or lamb and is also referred to as wors (vorss). Chances are that you will also be introduced to pap en sous (pup en sohss) at a braai. Pap is boiled corn meal, and sous is the sauce it is covered with, usually featuring tomato and onions.
Cooldrink or Colddrink.  This is the common term for a soda. Ask for a soda in South Africa and you will receive a club soda. Coca-Cola is a colddrink or cooldrink, as is Pepsi.

Howzit - A traditional South African greeting that translates roughly as "How are you?" or "How are things?"

Izit?  This is another great word to use in conversations. Derived from the two words "is" and "it", it can be used when you have nothing to contribute if someone tells you something at a braai. An expression frequently used in conversation and equivalent to "is that so?" (Really?!)

"Just now".  If a South African tells you they will do something "just now", they mean they will do it in the near future but not immediately. For example, the appropriate reply to "Why don't we go shopping now?" if you wish to go a little later is: "No, let's rather go just now."

Koki (pronounced koh-key) A coloured marker or felt-tip pen.
Lekker (pronounced lekk-irr with a rolling r).Afrikaans word meaning nice or cool. "That was a lekker party". It is also often used in association with food, as in: "That wors is lekker.".

Robot.  South Africans tend to refer to traffic lights as robots. An example of usage would be when giving directions: "Turn left at the second robot."
Sarmie. Colloquial term for a sandwich.  If you are going on a picnic and your hosts tell you they have packed sarmies, you will at least know they have remembered to pack something to eat.

Skinner. Gossip, as in: "Have you heard the latest skinner?" Someone who talks behind someone's back is known as a skinnerbek.

Slap chips (pronounced slup chips). French fries, usually the large, soft and oily type of chips. Also vinegar-drenched and bought in a brown paper bag."Slap" is an Afrikaans word meaning "limp", which is how French fries are generally made here. If that's not how you like them, be sure to order them "crispy".

Tackies.  Running shoes or sneakers. Sometimes used in conjunction with the word fat, as in "fat tackies", it describes extra wide tyres. Example: "Look at the fat tackies on that motorbike!"

Now-now. This is not intended to comfort but means shortly, as in: "I will be there now now."

Ag Shame! (pronounced like the "ach" in the German "achtung"). This one is used a lot!  Can be used in various contexts as in "that's adorable!" or "that's horrible!" can be confusing but it’s always a reaction to something.

Eina! (pronounced “ay-nah”) Widely used by all language groups, this word, derived from the Afrikaans, means "ouch." You can say it in sympathy when you see your friend the day after he got donnered by his wife.

Eish Wena!
Its lekka to live in Sauf Efrika!

Tuesday, 24 July 2012

Caption My Photo Competition #61

Tuesday isn't so bad...It's a sign that I've somehow survived Monday.

This is the time where you get to caption one of my daft photos and win a prize from me.



Monday, 23 July 2012

Monday must be a man it comes too quickly.

Can you believe its Monday again, lovely Plonkity Plonkers?  It's days like Monday that I'm glad I don't have a fucking swear jar anymore!

This week's Monday Music Moves Me over at my friend, Xmas Dolly, does not have a theme.  So, of course I would go to my favourite genre of music - rock and blues rock.  Go link up and share your favourite songs.

Gotta love Dave Grohl

Love this song

This song is soooo groovy.

I just ADORE the blues

and who can forget the rockin Suzi Q?

Sunday, 22 July 2012

Discovery 702 Walk The Talk

Today was the Discovery 702 Walk The Talk and it was a great day.  The early morning, getting dressed, was bloody freezing but it soon warmed up and we had a great day.  Of course we dressed up "Proudly South African" for the occassion and joined all the doggies for the 8km walk.  59 200 awesome and quirky people along the way.  What a fabulous atmosphere

Here are some of the pictures to show you how the day was.

A Daft Scots Lass

Our wee Group

The Group

Some of the crowds

The Start.  Lets Go!

Ice Creams along the road 

Cute wee Bees and their wee pooch

One of the many Doggie Pitstops

Some of the gorgeous masses

High Kicks from our wee Proudly South African Group


A Downhill view of the thousands of Walkers. 
Such an awesome sight
A Daft Scots Lass and her wee lass

Where's Wally Doggie Stop
Just before the Finish Line

And The Winner Is...

Congratulations to Michael Vella who is the winner of this week's Caption My Photo Competition.

Email me at info@redpepa.za.net and I'll be sending you a wee something from me and one of my brilliantly awesome Daft Scots Lass temporary tattoo..

"One dose of Mojo, Special Delivery"

Friday, 20 July 2012

How to have a Shoegasm

Yippeeeeeeee it's Friday, lovely Plonkers. My favourite day of the week.  Here's something that happened this week

Megan gets out the bath and comes to get dress in front of the heater (it is the middle of winter here).  As she stands naked in front of the gas heater, she bends over and drops a huge fart!  Immediately I say “Geezo! Megan you could set your arse on fire doing that!”.  She giggles, cocks her leg and drops another doozey.  Know what My Boerewors says “Guess who she takes after?”.  He actually looked over at me!  Tonight he’s sleeping on the couch.

Lots happening this weekend.  I have to register Kaylin for Primary School, Megan's football game on Saturday, and Sunday doing the 702 Discovery Walk The Talk.  Will share pictures soon.

Friday is the perfect day to share some stunning heels that gave me a Shoegasm.

Candy Striped Heels

Ruthie Davis Crazy Sexy Heels

Pretty Platform Heels from Polyvore 
Oh Eh Gee.  These puppies made me drool by Giuseppe Zanotti

Oh So Pretty and Glittery Island Style Heels at Polyvore

Gina Drew Slingback Platform
and my favourite shoe designer Christian Louboutin

Rockin' Mama hosts this blog hop every Friday. Go give her a visit and link up, Hookas.

This week we have to "Finish This Sentence Bitch....!"
1. When I'm home alone I love to dance around in my undies to my favourite jam
2. I am guilty of farting a lot in my office and covering it up with pretty "Oh So Heaveny" Scentsations Viva La vanilla.
3. My favorite cuss word is FUCK
4. Of all the things I've learned I hate gutless cowards the most.
5. The worst thing I've done while having sex is falling asleep , and my partners reaction was irrelevant.

That Friday Blog Hop

Thursday, 19 July 2012

Easily Offended? Fuck Off!

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mother...!!

Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

Q: What do the Gynecologist and the pizza delivery man have in common?
A: They both get to smell the goods but neither one of them can eat it.

Q: How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
A: The cake jumps out of the girl.

Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A: Full.

Q: What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q: How is pubic hair like parsley?
A: You push it to the side before you start eating.

Q: What is blonde, has six legs, and roams Michael Jackson's dreams
every night??
A: Hanson.

Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have
you done wrong?
A: Made her chain too long.

Q: What's somewhat brown and often found in children's underpants?
A: Michael Jackson's hand.

Q: How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
A: They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you
lose your house.

Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.

Q: What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A: A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody
at the party except you.

Q: What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling

Q: What are three words you dread the most while making love?
A: "Honey, I'm home."

Q: What's so good about an Ethiopian blow job?
A: You just KNOW she'll swallow.

Q: Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same
day in Iraq?
A: They don't want to wear out the camel.

Q: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelery.

Q: Do you know why women fake orgasm?
A: Because men fake foreplay.

Q: What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting
A: When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!

Q: A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
A: Dating children.

Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A: A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Q: Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
A: She knows she's given her last blow job.

Q: What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
A: Cough, gag, choke, etc.

Q: What did One gay sperm say to another?
A: How do we find an egg in all of this shit?

Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A: It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?

Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.

Q. How do you find a blonde in long grass?
A. Pleasing

Q. What has seventy-five balls and screws old ladies?
A. Bingo!

Q. How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when it is
A. When the big hand touches the little hand...

Q: When is a pixie not a pixie?
A: When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.

Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a "quickie", only you do it yourself.

Q: How does every ethnic joke start?
A: By looking over your shoulder.

Q: What's a Japanese girl's favourite holiday?
A: Erection day.

Q: How can you tell if a valentine card is from a leper?
A: The tongue's still in the envelope.

Q: Which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat, eggs, blow job?
A: The blow job. You can beat your wife, your eggs, or your meat; but
you just can't beat a blow job.

Q: What is the definition of Confidence?
A: When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her
on the ass and say, "You're next Baby... !"

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board A: It's
difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.

Q: What's pink and hard?
A: A pig with a flick knife.

Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
A: They are easier to keep amused.

Q: Why do seagulls have wings?
A: To beat the gypsies to the tip.

Q: Why did god invent alcohol?
A: So fat women can get laid too.

Q. How do you get three little old ladies to say the "F" word?
A. Have a fourth one yell "Bingo!"

Q: What do you get if you cross a pit bull with a hooker?
A: Your last blow job.

Q: Why did god create women?
A: Because dogs can't get beer out the fridge.

Q: What's 100 yards long and smells of piss?
A: The Post Office queue on Thursday mornings.

Q: What's the difference between a woman from Wigan and a walrus?
A: One's got a moustache and smells of fish and the other lives in the

Q: How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, but it takes 15 to write a paper entitled "coping with

Q: Why don't blind people skydive?
A: It scares the shit out of the dog.

Q: What have women and condoms got in common?
A: If they're not on your dick they're in your wallet.

Q: What's the difference between PMT and BSE?
A: One's mad cow's disease and the other's an agricultural problem.

Q: Why was the washing machine laughing?
A: Because it was taking the piss out of the undies.

Q: What will Postman Pat be called when he retires?
A: Pat

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead
Lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: What's got four legs, and goes "Woof"?
A: Piper Alpha.

Q: How do you make a dog drink?
A: Put it in a liquidizer.

Q: What's got 500 legs and no pubic hair?
A: The front row at a Boyzone concert.

Q: What's got four legs and an arm?
A: A Rottweiler.

Q: What's got two legs and bleeds?
A: Half a dog..

Q: What do you do if your boiler explodes?
A: Buy her some flowers.

Q: What is the definition of confusion?
A: Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

Q. What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
A: Patient..!!


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