Well Spank Me with a spatula and call me Smart!

"Make no mistake about it," said a bloke in a white lab coat, wringing his hands in despair: "The male sex does not yet know what's going to hit it. Once employers get wind of these findings unemployment among teenage boys will go through the roof."

The newly discovered hormone, hypothalagisterone, or 'pussy smart' as the press have cheekily dubbed it, is claimed to be released by the hypothalamus during intense clitoral orgasms. 

The clinical tests, conducted over a three year period by leading researchers at London's prestigious Centre for Neuro-sexual Studies found that teenage girls who masturbated to orgasm at least five times a week scored approximately 27.28% higher in examinations than girls who were either sexually inactive, or engaged in regular intercourse with their male partners.

"We were simply astonished by the results," gushed Gabriella Lovejoy, one of the two biologists who discovered hypothalagisterone.  "At first we thought that the computer had malfunctioned, or that the subjects we'd chosen were exceptionally brainy, but when Dr Bartholin pointed out that all the girls were from trailer parks in Essex and the computer was running Microsoft software we knew the results must be correct."

Why clitoral orgasms?.

"We really have no idea," explained the bespectacled biologist breathlessly, "But it seems that the direct stimulation of the clitoral hood triggers the release of massive amounts of endorphins by the brain.  Those are pleasure producing chemicals you know, which in turn galvanise the hypothalamus".

"Hypothalamus?" we interjected.

"It's a region of the brain that controls a huge number of bodily functions. Located in the middle of the base of the brain, the hypothalamus encapsulates the ventral portion of the third ventricle, just below the..."

"..Yes, thank you, doctor," we interrupted, "but what do these endo - endorph - endothingies actually do?"

"Oh, well, they cause the posterior pituitary gland to make whopping amounts of hypothalagisterone as soon as the woman climaxes."

"So, what you're telling us is that sex makes you smart?"

"Oh no, not at all!" protested Dr Lovejoy, gesticulating wildly. "Sexual intercourse doesn't trigger the production of this hormone, clitoral orgasms do."

"So men don't have this hypothal, this hormone, then?" we asked.

"Well..." replied the biologist with a blush, "there's nothing to trigger it, is there?"

"Unless they have a clitoris?"

"Would they be able to find it?" giggled the doctor.

"Possibly not," we admitted. "But couldn't the hormone be given to boys?"

"I wish it could," replied the doctor sadly, "but our tests showed that hypothalagisterone breaks down in the presence of sperm"

"That seems like an argument for teenage girls to avoid sex?" we replied.

"Well, I hadn't thought of it quite like that, but yes, if they want to succeed academically, I guess it is!"

New statistics just published seem to confirm the biologists' findings that, on average, teenage girls who masturbate regularly scored some 486% higher than boys across a broad spectrum of academic skills including needlework, domestic science and SMS messaging, prompting the Confederation of British Businessmen (CBB) to call for an immediate ban on the sales of dildos and vibrators to women under 65. 

Not to be outdone, UK Chief Rabbi, Dr Jonathan Sucz, has asked the Department of Health to introduce compulsory female circumcision to 'nip this unfair and unacceptable advantage in the bud,' as he put it....

...Jealous Fucker!

Tuesday Masturbation

Did you know that good ol' DIY is good for you? 

And, no, I'm not talking about erecting flat-pack shelves either.  We're talking the Big M and the Big O. 

Masturbation to Orgasm.

"Masturbation is sex with someone you love", said Woody Allen, but many women feel ashamed to masturbate. Not only is it ok to masturbate, there are also great health benefits.....

If you’re like most women, you’ve been brought up to think of the idea of masturbation as something dirty, shameful or embarrassing.

While masturbation is considered perfectly acceptable for men, it’s always been something of a taboo subject for women. Not only is it not wrong for women, it can actually have far reaching side effects that can be good for your health. 

Sexual climax is the primary reason for masturbation

Of course, the primary reason for masturbation is to bring yourself to sexual climax. This can be an important tool in and of itself, as it is the easiest and best way for a woman to become comfortable with her own body. The more you are aware of your own physical needs, the better you’ll be able to communicate them to your partner, which can lead to a better sexual experience for both of you.

...but masturbation has other benefits too

Aside from improving your ability reach orgasm, however, masturbation can actually have other benefits. 

Women tend to be more withdrawn in regards to sexual response than men and masturbation is the easiest way to overcome this. There is no reason why you shouldn’t be able to enjoy yourself and there should be no reason to hesitate about it.

Masturbation is a great stress reliever

Our daily lives can cause us to be under a great deal of stress and that stress can lead to a variety of health problems. Believe it or not, masturbation is one of the easiest, safest and most pleasurable ways to relieve that stress.

It can even help to improve your mood as the hormones released during orgasm can cause intense feelings of happiness and contentment.

Masturbation can help PMS and migraine sufferers

That same release of hormones can also help to ease certain physical discomfort, including the cramping and irritability of PMS and even, in some cases, the symptoms of migraine headaches. Scientists aren’t sure exactly what the connection is between orgasm and pain relief but many people have found that reaching sexual climax can bring physical relief.

A positive effect for your partner

While masturbation is, necessarily, about self pleasure, it can also have a positive effect for your partner as well. Some men actually get excited by watching their partner masturbate, and having a better idea of what brings you pleasure can help you guide your partner during sex. 

You should never feel uncomfortable when it comes to showing your partner what you like, good sex should always be about pleasuring both partners, so don’t sell yourself short.

No need to feel guilty about masturbation

And perhaps the most important thing every woman should know about masturbation is that it is not something you should feel guilty about.

There is nothing wrong with pleasuring yourself, even if you are in a committed relationship. Rather than taking away from your experience with your partner, it only enhances it and by allowing you to become more comfortable and confident with your own body, it can actually be empowering.

Masturbation is normal and natural

It’s not a subject that most women talk about easily, but masturbation is a perfectly normal and natural part of the human experience.

So don’t shy away from the idea of experiencing orgasm, it can be one of the most important things you’ll ever do for yourself. Don’t be ashamed…masturbation shouldn’t be a woman’s dirty little secret!