Perpendicularly Challenged

I am short.

Perpendicularly Challenged.

I just made the 5 foot mark...well kinda, if I'm wearing shoes.

I'm actually 4'11" but that makes me sound like a fucking dumpy dwarf! This has been the bane of my adult existence.

Have you ever gone to a Rolling Stones concert and bought the standing tickets only to find out you can't see fucking jack as a 4'11"er and spend the next 2 hours sniffing everyone’s reeky armpits? 

I am more or less the size of a St Bernard (minus the mini-whiskey keg around my neck) or a small pony? But I don’t bite or slobber and, under NO circumstances, try and put a saddle on my back. 

I will cut you!

Yeah, it fucking sucks donkey balls!

I go to the grocery store and I have to ask for help to get things off the second-from-the-top shelf. Generally, I can manage by balancing on the edge of the trolley as a step to get up there if no one’s around to help.  It can be a bit of a health hazard though if the wheels give way. Sometimes I remove items from the bottom shelf so that I can use it as a step to reach to the goodies at the top.

The other problem I have is that I worry that my chunky thighs will have the shelf splinter in two with my not-so-petite weight. Oh the depredation and humiliation of being the fat midget that shattered the superette melamine with one fucking leg and was asked to pay for it!

I can’t sit on your typical garden chair without being mistaken for an elf or a three-year old because my feet never reach the floor. I have to perch my wide rear on the edge of the seat so that I can at least get my tippy toes to brush the floor.

Always being the shortest in the group, is rotten because you’re always asked to stand in front when posing for photographs. This is a serious phobia for me as my carefully mastered tactic for looking slimmer in photos, is plonking someone in front of me so that all you see is my head and shoulders (my best features). 

Yes, its my modus opperandi and I’m sticking to it, Fuckers. Don't judge me and don’t cock-diddle with my system. 

My techniques are complex and have been intricately deliberated over years of being called Short Shit.

Oh! Indeed there are many disadvantages of being Under-Tall:

The mirrors in the bathrooms are always too high.

Spending a half my salary on short-length trousers, only to spend another small fortune on having them tailored and taken up.

Kitchen cupboards are always just out of reach.

A short person without a threestep stool is like a fish without water.

You can’t buy the car you really want because your feet don’t reach the peddles!

Crutches NEVER fit.

Getting on and off the bus is always an adventure quest of its own.

Shorts are never short.

Don’t call me teeny or weeny, or itty or bitty because it is NOT so.

Being in a minority is fucking awful but being in a double minority of being ginger and short is even worse!

Perhaps I can dye my red hair green, pass myself off as a leprechaun and you can keep me in yer pokeet?

Ah Pish, that ain’t gonna fucken happen.