Thursday, 6 October 2011

Perpendicularly Challenged

I am short.

Perpendicularly Challenged.

I just made the 5 foot mark...well kinda, if I'm wearing shoes.

I'm actually 4'11" but that makes me sound like a fucking dumpy dwarf! This has been the bane of my adult existence.

Have you ever gone to a Rolling Stones concert and bought the standing tickets only to find out you can't see fucking jack as a 4'11"er and spend the next 2 hours sniffing everyone’s reeky armpits? 

I am more or less the size of a St Bernard (minus the mini-whiskey keg around my neck) or a small pony? But I don’t bite or slobber and, under NO circumstances, try and put a saddle on my back. 

I will cut you!

Yeah, it fucking sucks donkey balls!

I go to the grocery store and I have to ask for help to get things off the second-from-the-top shelf. Generally, I can manage by balancing on the edge of the trolley as a step to get up there if no one’s around to help.  It can be a bit of a health hazard though if the wheels give way. Sometimes I remove items from the bottom shelf so that I can use it as a step to reach to the goodies at the top.

The other problem I have is that I worry that my chunky thighs will have the shelf splinter in two with my not-so-petite weight. Oh the depredation and humiliation of being the fat midget that shattered the superette melamine with one fucking leg and was asked to pay for it!

I can’t sit on your typical garden chair without being mistaken for an elf or a three-year old because my feet never reach the floor. I have to perch my wide rear on the edge of the seat so that I can at least get my tippy toes to brush the floor.

Always being the shortest in the group, is rotten because you’re always asked to stand in front when posing for photographs. This is a serious phobia for me as my carefully mastered tactic for looking slimmer in photos, is plonking someone in front of me so that all you see is my head and shoulders (my best features). 

Yes, its my modus opperandi and I’m sticking to it, Fuckers. Don't judge me and don’t cock-diddle with my system. 

My techniques are complex and have been intricately deliberated over years of being called Short Shit.

Oh! Indeed there are many disadvantages of being Under-Tall:

The mirrors in the bathrooms are always too high.

Spending a half my salary on short-length trousers, only to spend another small fortune on having them tailored and taken up.

Kitchen cupboards are always just out of reach.

A short person without a threestep stool is like a fish without water.

You can’t buy the car you really want because your feet don’t reach the peddles!

Crutches NEVER fit.

Getting on and off the bus is always an adventure quest of its own.

Shorts are never short.

Don’t call me teeny or weeny, or itty or bitty because it is NOT so.

Being in a minority is fucking awful but being in a double minority of being ginger and short is even worse!

Perhaps I can dye my red hair green, pass myself off as a leprechaun and you can keep me in yer pokeet?

Ah Pish, that ain’t gonna fucken happen.

19 comments:

Gizmo said...

"I am more or less the size of a St Bernard" haha this made laugh so hard XD love this rant :P
+follow

The Thrift Collection said...

And standing next to your tallish friends is the worst! I'm 5'2" and I feel like a child standing next to them!!

xoxo
Pippa
The Thrift Collection

Pearson Report said...

As my grandpa, a ginger, and a short man to boot, would say..."the really good stuff always comes in a small box wrapped in a big red bow"!

And that's how I saw my grandpa...the red hair manifests itself in my daughter's hair...more as a strawberry then a ginger, but in the sun you really see it.

By the way...thanks for echoing my sentiments to Ib!

Cheers, Jenny
PEARSON REPORT

Aimee Katherine said...

Finally! Someone who knows the horrors of being a short ass!
I get ridiculed/patronised almost every day for being short (only jokingly). I better have a groth spurt soon, I only have half a year left until I stop growing :S

Joshua said...

I had a friend in high school and college who was just under 5 feet as well, and she used to like being called "Short Stack." Not that I'll call you that, I'm just relating to the post.

As far as pictures go, what about jumping on someone's back? Is that an acceptable M.O.? Ride them like a pony (or St. Bernard)?

Lesley said...

Haha...you crack me up! I think that your over the top, amazing personality more than makes up for a few inches in the height department. And really, who wants to be tall and have to stare at everyone's ugly faces all day long?

vanyelmoon said...

Growing up, I was always the tallest in the class. I hated it. I would skulk around trying to look shorter than I was. I never had a date. The boys were intimidated by me and dated all the shorter girls. I wanted to be short.
Even today, when I compete on stage, I see the shorter girls having the advantage because they can bulk up with more muscle than I can. I never saw things from a shorter perspective.
If it's any consolation, you are larger than life on blogger :)

Cyn said...

well if it is any consolation -- i have always pictured you as quite tall -- true story! i am pretty shocked that you are of a shorter stature (is that pc enough?). must be your bigger-than-life personality. :)

Stephanie D said...

I totally agree with what Cyn wrote. I pictured you taller! :)

elisecrets said...

Being short is sexy! Seriously, every guy that I know love short cute girls.

I'm kinda short 5"3 and I don't miss being tall at all.

The Glebe Blog said...

Good things come in small packages.
How about the advantages ?
A large fork lift truck with a 5 foot wheel base would pass over you.
Toxic clouds might not get down that low.
You can spot the bargains on the bottom shelf.
You can shop in the kids section (reminds me of a visit to the U.S when we got a pair of levi jeans for the 4ft 11" eldest daughter, she was 28 at the time.)
You get less passive smoking than the rest of us.
Hubby can put you on his shoulders at a concert,and with your red hair you can go to a fancy dress party as a carrot.
One thing for sure is that you're big in the blogosphere.

Melanie said...

Awww...I'm sorry, but you really make me smile!

Slyde said...

lol.. we'd make a sexy pair. In EVERY DAMN ONE of my grade school pictures i was one of the 3 short kids who had to sit on the floor in the front row.

Copyboy said...

Dude! You're as tall as my wife. And being a short woman is not so bad. Being a short guy like me? That's just freaky.

Babes Mami said...

As someone who is 5'1 1/2" I can relate to many of these struggles. I have to ask strangers to get things down for me and I regularly use my potato masher and/or spatula to wiggle things down from my cabinets. I can't reach the top of anything in my house that is taller then 5'.

rebecca said...

Oh my goodness.... that is horrible about the grocery store. Now I can't feel bad about my height then. Because I am 5'7" and everyone in family calls me Christmas Elf because I am so short to them. Everyone is at least 6' or taller and so I get made fun of for being so short. But I guess I'm not as short as I thought. :(

cat said...

I can see your point, but I always keep thinking about my 6foot 1 inch (girl) friend who never wears heels (and wants to - I do not wear them for other reasons)

Monkey Man said...

I believe it is the size of the heart that is a better measure. That makes you a giant.

Lovely Light said...

I totally get you. I'm 5'2, and suffer from many of the things you've described (but I'm sure you have it waayyy worse- joking, joking!)

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