Thursday, 10 January 2013
Oh the degradation! How dare they make her colour in a picture for homework on her first day!
After Day 1, I guess she figured in her head that "big school" was not for her, because this morning she declared that she doesn't want to go back.
We got to school and she was very quiet and withdrawn. It look an eternity for the bell to eventually ring and by then her lip was quivering and she was clutching my leg! I tried to be brave for her, but I could see she was not happy at all. I tried to keep things light - she was having none of it. She was going to cry!
I thought to myself "Oh Kaylin, please don't cry or you're gonna make me bubble too". My eyes were already leaking.
Kaylin clearly is not a mind-reader, because with my silent request, she burst into tears as we walked into her classroom. The fact that all the kids at her table were asking why she was crying, did not help either.
My heart broke into piece then and there.
I wanted to just pick her teeny weeny wee body up, walk out of there and just cuddle with her all day....
That's what my heart told me.
My head told me to be strong, for Kaylin's sake, kiss her goodbye, tell her that I love her and that I'd see her after school.
I managed to make it around the corner from her class, then I burst into tears.
Thank Fuck I had my mirror sunglasses on that I could hide behind.
I phoned my Best Friend - my Hubby - and sobbed into the phone.
I cried all the way to work. Another bare-faced and blotchy face worn to work. They'll have to get used to it for a while, until my wee lassies settles at school.
I'm taking it one day at a time.
I spoke to her today about MY first day at school (I remember it clearly like it was yesterday). I told her how scared I was because I didn't know anyone, I didn't know what to expect. It turned out that my teacher didn't like gingers and took an instant dislike to me.
I told Kaylin that I battled to make friends at first and to fit it. It brought back so many emotions and I started to cry again. I really didn't want her to see me being so emotional, but it seemed to strike something with her because immediately she gave me a hug and she asked me "you were little once too, hey Mum?".
I suppose she thinks that, as an adult, we have everything under control Our kids need to be reminded that we were little once too, that went through most of the things they go through at one stage or another. Kaylin saw the emotion in my face and said "How did you make friends?".
I told her the story of a wee lassie who sat next to me in Grade 1, who asked me why I cried so much. I remember telling her that I was scared and that I didn't know anyone.
Jennifer asked me if I wanted to play. She reach out, took my hand and we did just that.
Simple as that.
It wasn't that simple for me.
After sharing my story, Kaylin said that she'd be brave and go to school the next day. She said that she'll put her arm around Michael and ask him if wants to play with her.
I'm still not sure that showing my emotions was the right thing.
I just know that I dont' have all the answers.
Hopefully with time, things will get better and she'll eventually find her space and comfort zone in Grade 1. It will just take time.
In the meantime, my heart will break each day for her, because I remember so clearly how scarey it all was and what it felt like.