Well Spank Me with a spatula and call me Smart!

"Make no mistake about it," said a bloke in a white lab coat, wringing his hands in despair: "The male sex does not yet know what's going to hit it. Once employers get wind of these findings unemployment among teenage boys will go through the roof."

The newly discovered hormone, hypothalagisterone, or 'pussy smart' as the press have cheekily dubbed it, is claimed to be released by the hypothalamus during intense clitoral orgasms. 

The clinical tests, conducted over a three year period by leading researchers at London's prestigious Centre for Neuro-sexual Studies found that teenage girls who masturbated to orgasm at least five times a week scored approximately 27.28% higher in examinations than girls who were either sexually inactive, or engaged in regular intercourse with their male partners.

"We were simply astonished by the results," gushed Gabriella Lovejoy, one of the two biologists who discovered hypothalagisterone.  "At first we thought that the computer had malfunctioned, or that the subjects we'd chosen were exceptionally brainy, but when Dr Bartholin pointed out that all the girls were from trailer parks in Essex and the computer was running Microsoft software we knew the results must be correct."

Why clitoral orgasms?.

"We really have no idea," explained the bespectacled biologist breathlessly, "But it seems that the direct stimulation of the clitoral hood triggers the release of massive amounts of endorphins by the brain.  Those are pleasure producing chemicals you know, which in turn galvanise the hypothalamus".

"Hypothalamus?" we interjected.

"It's a region of the brain that controls a huge number of bodily functions. Located in the middle of the base of the brain, the hypothalamus encapsulates the ventral portion of the third ventricle, just below the..."

"..Yes, thank you, doctor," we interrupted, "but what do these endo - endorph - endothingies actually do?"

"Oh, well, they cause the posterior pituitary gland to make whopping amounts of hypothalagisterone as soon as the woman climaxes."

"So, what you're telling us is that sex makes you smart?"

"Oh no, not at all!" protested Dr Lovejoy, gesticulating wildly. "Sexual intercourse doesn't trigger the production of this hormone, clitoral orgasms do."

"So men don't have this hypothal, this hormone, then?" we asked.

"Well..." replied the biologist with a blush, "there's nothing to trigger it, is there?"

"Unless they have a clitoris?"

"Would they be able to find it?" giggled the doctor.

"Possibly not," we admitted. "But couldn't the hormone be given to boys?"

"I wish it could," replied the doctor sadly, "but our tests showed that hypothalagisterone breaks down in the presence of sperm"

"That seems like an argument for teenage girls to avoid sex?" we replied.

"Well, I hadn't thought of it quite like that, but yes, if they want to succeed academically, I guess it is!"

New statistics just published seem to confirm the biologists' findings that, on average, teenage girls who masturbate regularly scored some 486% higher than boys across a broad spectrum of academic skills including needlework, domestic science and SMS messaging, prompting the Confederation of British Businessmen (CBB) to call for an immediate ban on the sales of dildos and vibrators to women under 65. 

Not to be outdone, UK Chief Rabbi, Dr Jonathan Sucz, has asked the Department of Health to introduce compulsory female circumcision to 'nip this unfair and unacceptable advantage in the bud,' as he put it....

...Jealous Fucker!

Couch Potato No More

What did I do without gym for almost 6 years?


I started going to gym when I was 16 years old. I started off doing aerobics and progressed into teaching the odd Calanetics class for a while. By the time I was 20 I had a solid six pack and a butt like a bullet. I enjoyed exercising probably because it was the closest thing to dance I could get.


When I was little it was a dream to be a dancer and ballerina but my folks didn't have the money to send me to lessons. I therefore went to my next door neighbour who got the privelidge that I never had. She went to ballet class twice a week after her classes I'd rush over there to learn what she'd been taught that day and squeeze my feet into her teeny weeny ballet slippers. I always wanted to dance but never got the chance...so aerobics and dance aerobics was my next best thing...


Well I carried on gyming and training at least 4 times a week and sometimes every single day. I did weight training, road cycling, aerobics, step and dance aerobics, power pump, body conditioning, kata box training and callantecis for another 10 years until I was 7 months pregnant with Megan. I would've carried on but I just got so fat when I was pregnant all I could manage was peddling the stationary bike towards the end.

My focus totally changed when I had Megan and I managed to go back for a couple of weeks when she was about 3 months old but my heart wanted to be home with her more than antyhing. So, I never went back to gym. Then Kaylin came along and I only considered going back to gym when she was 2½ years old and by then I was fat as a PIG. I'd put on so much weight!


So the perfect opportunity came last year when we moved offices and the Virgin Active was about 400m down the road. I now had no excuse! I could go to gym at lunch time and it wouldn't interfere with my time with my family.


I joined Virgin Meyersdal last year September and got back into my training and seriously stuck to a sensible eating plan. By the end of November I'd lost 10kg and I notice my blubbery body becoming stronger and firmer.





After shedding all the weight and being back into a good training programme, I wondered why I never did it before.


I wasn't ready.


I wanted to spending all my breathing hours with my little babies and not take any focus away from them and my hubby. It may have been a drastic decision and I'm sure a lot of mums would've said JUST MAKE THE TIME TO GO TO GYM.


I did - eventually and I can't tell you how glad I am to be back. Its awesome.


I now go at least 3 or 4 times a week.


I do a Body Conditioning class on a Monday which usually kills us after the weekend. We do loads of lunges, good for the bums, loads of push ups for biceps and triceps and about 20 minutes of abs. Its a great class and I'm usually VERY stiff the next day. Going up and down the stairs can be a lots of effort and quite painful.


Tuesday I go and do my own thing 25 minutes of cardio on the health walker and wave machine combined. I do a little arms and tons of abs. I concentrate on my innner and outer thighs (my problem areas).


Wednesday is a beautiful Pilates class with a mixed bunch of young and old, fat and thin, fit and not so fit. You don't feel pressured to suck in your tummy and look your best. You can actually relax and just work hard without worrying of what others are going to think of you.



I must say since I've started Pilates, my core stength has improved so much and my flexibiliy has surprised me. Pilates helps lengthen the muslces instead of build them. We use loads of equipment like the yoga balls, the Bosu, weight sticks, pilates circles and flexi-bands. I love these bits of equipment because its makes the class interesting. The ones who want to "slack off" in pilates can because is very easy to pretend you're doing the deep muscle tone exercises when you're actually not.



Thursday I do my own thing again and its usually quite empty, so I do lots of step machine and circuit, 250 various ab exercises and inner and outter thigh ags. Thank God for ipods! If I don't go on a Thursday, I'll go on a Friday but I do try and do either one.


Most people need a partner or constant motivation to get to gym but I actually really enjoy going. Yes, there are some days when I have to force myself to go (espeically in the colder rainy weather) but when I get there and get going I'm always so glad I did go because I feel so much better.


Must be those wicked feel-good endorphins. Yes, Chocolate does the same but you don't get the same physiological results, right?


Gotta Love those Endorphins...