"Make no mistake about it," said a bloke in a white lab coat, wringing his hands in despair: "The male sex does not yet know what's going to hit it. Once employers get wind of these findings unemployment among teenage boys will go through the roof."
The newly discovered hormone, hypothalagisterone, or 'pussy smart' as the press have cheekily dubbed it, is claimed to be released by the hypothalamus during intense clitoral orgasms.
The clinical tests, conducted over a three year period by leading researchers at London's prestigious Centre for Neuro-sexual Studies found that teenage girls who masturbated to orgasm at least five times a week scored approximately 27.28% higher in examinations than girls who were either sexually inactive, or engaged in regular intercourse with their male partners.
"We were simply astonished by the results," gushed Gabriella Lovejoy, one of the two biologists who discovered hypothalagisterone. "At first we thought that the computer had malfunctioned, or that the subjects we'd chosen were exceptionally brainy, but when Dr Bartholin pointed out that all the girls were from trailer parks in Essex and the computer was running Microsoft software we knew the results must be correct."
Why clitoral orgasms?.
"We really have no idea," explained the bespectacled biologist breathlessly, "But it seems that the direct stimulation of the clitoral hood triggers the release of massive amounts of endorphins by the brain. Those are pleasure producing chemicals you know, which in turn galvanise the hypothalamus".
"Hypothalamus?" we interjected.
"It's a region of the brain that controls a huge number of bodily functions. Located in the middle of the base of the brain, the hypothalamus encapsulates the ventral portion of the third ventricle, just below the..."
"..Yes, thank you, doctor," we interrupted, "but what do these endo - endorph - endothingies actually do?"
"Oh, well, they cause the posterior pituitary gland to make whopping amounts of hypothalagisterone as soon as the woman climaxes."
"So, what you're telling us is that sex makes you smart?"
"Oh no, not at all!" protested Dr Lovejoy, gesticulating wildly. "Sexual intercourse doesn't trigger the production of this hormone, clitoral orgasms do."
"So men don't have this hypothal, this hormone, then?" we asked.
"Well..." replied the biologist with a blush, "there's nothing to trigger it, is there?"
"Unless they have a clitoris?"
"Would they be able to find it?" giggled the doctor.
"Possibly not," we admitted. "But couldn't the hormone be given to boys?"
"I wish it could," replied the doctor sadly, "but our tests showed that hypothalagisterone breaks down in the presence of sperm"
"Well, I hadn't thought of it quite like that, but yes, if they want to succeed academically, I guess it is!"
New statistics just published seem to confirm the biologists' findings that, on average, teenage girls who masturbate regularly scored some 486% higher than boys across a broad spectrum of academic skills including needlework, domestic science and SMS messaging, prompting the Confederation of British Businessmen (CBB) to call for an immediate ban on the sales of dildos and vibrators to women under 65.
Not to be outdone, UK Chief Rabbi, Dr Jonathan Sucz, has asked the Department of Health to introduce compulsory female circumcision to 'nip this unfair and unacceptable advantage in the bud,' as he put it....