Sunday, 29 August 2010

I don't have the energy for fake conversation so step inside a shopping bag and meet me in the men's bathroom.

One Hump or Two?
You've never heard of that one? 

Surely its not just me!!  They say when you fancy a bit of public shagging, don't do it at a store in the dressing rooms.  Boring! 

Go to the men's bathroom - blokes generally don't use the stalls that often.  They drain the one-eyed snake at the urinals and get the fuck outta there.  So...you're less likely to get caught if you use the men's bathroom.  One step better....one of you steps inside a shopping bag so if someone suspects any humpy pumpy going on and they peek underneath the stall, all they see is one set of feet and a shopping bag.

Genius or wot??

Another public shagging tip (seeing as we're on the subjecct) if you want to become a member of the Mile High Club, book yerself on a night flight when people will be sleeping, book the back seats in the back row.  The toilets are far too cramped and so unsanitary.  You don't wanna get your membership the old-fashioned way...and I'm not talking about your private pilot's license.

Next!

If you wanna get busy in a car, do it at the top of a multi-level parking garage.  Generally its quiet and there aren't any other cars in sight so its less likey that you'll get a knock on your steamed-up window from the Boys in Blue.

Four!

Any Golfers out there?  This is the perfect place for a bit of public lovin'.  Choose a public golf course (usually the country clubs are a bit sticky on finding trespassers and non-members on their land).  Not only is the grass soft and well-manicured, but the risk of getting biten by ticks or accidentally getting a stick lodged in yer bum or even the risk of poison ivy (like in the deep of the woods) is minimal.  No one wants ticks suckin'on their testicals.

Ever been caught by your offspring?  Its no laughing matter when you're grunting and sweating like a pig and your 5 year old silently comes into the room and you don't even notice they are there until you hear the tiny little voice piping up "Faster, Mummy, Faster!".  Instant limp noodle, I reckon, but it is still a wee bit funny.

Any other suggestions?

12 comments:

Copyboy said...

WOW!! Enlightening post. You certainly put us American's to shame when it comes to sex posts. haha. LOVE IT!!! You're a mighty cool mums. Did i say that right?

dulce said...

LOL

Mick said...

Anothe tip if you wanna do it in the toilets........use the disabled, more room, no one can look under the door.........but mind the alarm cord!

lisleman said...

What you forgot the elevator (lift)?

The car scene was just because we were too cheap to get a room.

I've heard stories about parking garages in large cities like Chicago where many people take in the show.

Doctor FTSE said...

Ever been caught by your offspring?

Like when they catch you at it and stand there with there little handies on their hips and say, most reproachfully -
"So that's what goes on behind my back! You two are having an affair!"

Michael said...

Tips? I'm just wondering which garage in your neighborhood should I send Google Earth to.

:-)

secret agent woman said...

I have to say, the idea of having sex in a nasty men's bathroom doesn't appeal. But I have done the golf course thing.

Beth said...

Have a bloggy award for you...although it says because you're sweet at the top...I love your sense of humor! Thanks for stopping by...hope you'll come by and pick it up!
http://www.twomonkeysawashtub.com/2010/08/bloggy-awardsso-much-sweeter-each-time.html

Amy J - Book Addict said...

LMAO! This was good! I love how your mind works!

Greig Byrne said...

"Faster Mummy Faster" - hilarious

Elly Lou said...

Only just discovered you, but you should totally check out Wicked Shawn's blog (http://www.wickedgirlsthinkit.com/?p=470). You two are peas in a pod. That's too clean. Maybe balls in a sack?

Straight Guy said...

Making a list...

3 down and 2 to go.

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