Oh Really?!? Connolly Quotes

• McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering.....It's has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you fucking McTosser.
• So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?
• When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Fucking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?
• The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. 
• Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it's easy - you look under the kilt, and if it's a quarter-pounder, you know it's a McDonald's
• Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started?
• I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning. . . . That can keep me awake for days..
• Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey..
• When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.
• Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit
• There are two seasons in Scotland: June and winter
• What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?
• I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
• If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?
• Two guys are talking and one says to the other: "What would you do if the end of the world was in 3 minutes time?" The other one says, "I'd shag everything that moved...What would you do?" And he says, "I'd stand perfectly still."