Sunday, 25 September 2011

Oh Really?!? Connolly Quotes

  • McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering.....It's has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you fucking McTosser.
  • So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?
  • When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Fucking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?
  • The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. 
  • Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it's easy - you look under the kilt, and if it's a quarter-pounder, you know it's a McDonald's
  • Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started?
  • I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning. . . . That can keep me awake for days..
  • Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey..
  • When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.
  • Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit
  • There are two seasons in Scotland: June and winter
  • What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?
  • I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
  • If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?
  • Two guys are talking and one says to the other: "What would you do if the end of the world was in 3 minutes time?" The other one says, "I'd shag everything that moved...What would you do?" And he says, "I'd stand perfectly still."



20 comments:

The Frog Queen said...

Billy is my favorite comedian....ever!

And...he was in Fido! Can the man get any more brilliant!

Cheers!

Cyn said...

loveeee him -- classic funny!

Mark said...

You'll making me drool. I could go for a Quarter Pounder right about now. Maybe I'll go wake up Fred and have at it!
m.

Bushman said...

Yes be very still....
As a former snowplow driver...its a bitch!

Brian Miller said...

i just dont think i am ready for the punch line of the joke they are playing on us...

squatlo said...

I called my lovely (and dangerous) wife back here to watch the clip, and we're still laughing.

Thanks! The man is brilliant!

Babes Mami said...

haha love them!

Akelamalu said...

The last one is a corker! Billy is the best!

The Glebe Blog said...

and not forgetting these jewels

"a well balanced man has a drink in each hand".

"about as useful as an ashtray on a motorbike".

"as funny as a fart in a space suit"

"as blind as a welders dog".

"nothing good comes from Switzerland,cuckoo clocks and fuckin' toblerone! It's impossible to eat a fuckin' toblerone without hurting yourself! What sick mind would invent a bar of chocolate that hurts you? Only the fuckin Swiss"

"A lot of people say that it's a lack of vocabulary that makes you swear... rubbish! I know thousands of words but I still prefer fuck."

Ye canny beat the 'Big Yin'

A Daft Scots Lass said...

@theGlebeBlog Toblerone - the aggressive sweetie! I loved that.

Rachel said...

I love it! You should have linked up with my Friday Funny bitch! This would have been perfect. Thanks for sharing, I needed the laugh.

Dazee Dreamer said...

I freaking loved the last one.

Ryan said...

Billy never fails to make me piss myself laughing however he let himself down when he became one of the tory party ambassadors against indepedence for Scotland.

Leah said...

Billy should be made a 'Sir'. He's currently on TV here on one of his travelling documentaries, covering the whole of Route 66. The combination of cool music, the trike and Billy himself. My idea of a bloody good night in :-)

cat said...

He is absolutely stunning!

Divemaster GranDad said...

Billy's "World Tour of Scotland" videos were hilarious. The man is a comedic genius and should be knighted, but with his regular tirades against queen and crown, there's not much chance of that, is there?

I don't know if it was a Billy joke but here's another:

Two Aussie sheep farmers are leaning on a fence, admiring the first one's flock. The second one says "Them's foin lookin sheep, mate."
"Aye, they are, mate", says the first.
The second farmer says "D' yer shear 'em, mate?" to which the first one says "No mate, oi fuck 'em meself"...

Rick said...

The mc thing is absolutely true.

The Accidental Somebody said...

Oh man I love that guy, so funny!!

The Accidental Somebody said...

Oh man I love that guy, so funny!!

Anonymous said...

Oh i LOVE Billy!!

xoxo
Pippa
The Thrift Collection

LinkWithin

Related Posts with Thumbnails