Thursday, 8 September 2011

You Always Get One Fucker, Don't You?

Anyone who knows me in real life knows that this is one of my regular sayings.  I use it all the time because its fucking true! 

Wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, you always get ONE FUCKER who cocks things up for everyone.  Generally you don’t know  The Fucker personally, but he or she always shows up and never fails to piss on your battery.  Here are a few of them:

Fucker #1

On Sunday during the Pipe Band’s performance, my big sis and I were clapping loud, seat-dancing and not too shabbily singing along to the songs they were playing.  (Hell, we knew all the words and that’s just how we roll, Plonkers) and this guy and his wife who were sitting in front of us turns around and gives us a dirty look -as if to say “shut the fuck up”. 

Now, firstly, I know that South Africans are generally really conservative and its just “not cool” to show that you’re having a good time.  (Never understood this) But Janie and I on the other hand, couldn’t give a rats arse what other people think as long as we’re having a good time. 

Secondly, I felt like saying to the pair of them:  "Listen, we paid our R358 just like you two planks to be here, at least I’M going to enjoy it.  Now OFF is the general direction I want you two to Fuck, okay?"

Fucker #2

This prissy middle-aged "kloosterkoek" woman who stands behind you in the supermarket checkout queue with her crisp starched floral blouse and khaki long shorts.  Oh you know the Bitch I’m talking about;  she wears fugly sensible shoes, dyes her poofy hair Fake-Red and completes the look with jarring cheap coral lipstick bought at Clicks.  The Tannie takes one look at all your tattoos, rolls her eyes and shakes her head in extreme disapproval.  Don’t you just want to roar out at top volume;  “Hey, Fucker, its my body I’ll do what the fuck I like with it and I certainly don’t need YOUR approval” and stick my pierced tongue out at her and tell her to Piss off.  That’ll shut her up.

Fucker #3

This Plonker normally emerges in the traffic.  He drives a stolen 3-series BMW and puts M3 badges on it.  He drives with his right elbow perched on his open window, plays his doef-doef dance music too loud through his distorted speakers and wears tacky flea-market shades.  He thinks he’s uber cool and owns the road!  Koos usually indignantly swerves in front of you, cutting YOU off, missing YOUR car by mere millimeters and throws YOU the finger.  A complete arsehole, but this Dude should not be taken on.  He’ll kill his own mother for a fag.

Fuckers #4

Another Fucker found in the traffic, but this one is usually a dittery wee gray-haired lady who does about 40kph in the traffic in the fast lane.  She can hardly see over the steering wheel and is a bout 90 in the shade.  Granny drives a gleaming 1980’s  Volvo Station wagon which she lets the Garden Executive wash and polish on Sunday afternoon, when she gets back from church.  Nana Oxygen Thief will NOT budge from the fast lane not matter what happens and is utterly oblivious to what kind of havoc she is causing by being over-cautious.  She lets in every taxi in front of her but in fact she’s just causing rush-hour mayhem. My Road Rage with Miss Daisy kicks in rapidly but no throwing rude signs or cutting her off will help, because she can’t see more than 30 feet in front of her and she’s clinically deaf. I'd tell her to go to hell but I work there every day and I don't really wanna see her every day!

Fucker #5

The brainless blonde will probably be bopping to Britney Spears on her car radio in the traffic and thinks she’s saving time by doing her make up on the way to work in her rear-view mirror.  Barbie will gradually veer into your lane while applying mascara and when you toot at her and tell her to keep to her own fucking lane, she will try to make it all better by blowing you a kiss and being soopa sweet. Then she’ll mouth “I’m sorry” while texting her boyfriend what just happened.  Getting angry with this nonsensical creative is also a waste of your time.  The insults you hurl at her she will most probably misinterpret for giving her a compliment about her huge tits or her long, freshly manicured-in-the-car nails. After telling her that your intrinsic suaveness cancels out her natural douchiness, this Bimbo Fucker will then happily skip off back to her little pink Chevvy Spark and wheel spin (by mistake) off into the distance.

Oh there are plenty more Fuckers I could talk about but I think 5 is enough for one day so, be careful whose toes you step on today, Mr Fucker, they might be attached to the arse you’ll  have to kiss tomorrow.


natural girl said...

Love it! Made me actually laugh out loud! and I dont even have tattoos or tongue piercings!

Angel said...

Take THAT!

The Frog Queen said...

I just about pissed myself laughing at this post. You are brilliant!

Just so you know....we have the same aholes here in the states. No where is safe :D


cat said...

Thanks for the great laugh! Yes, they are all plonkers. And those that can not read payment receipts - my grudge at the moment.

jacksofbuxton said...

I've always liked you Gillian,*steps back nervously*

The Glebe Blog said...

There's fuckers in the house,
there's fuckers in the hall,
there's fuckers in the government pissing against the wall.

There's fuckers on the street
and in the shopping mall,
The fuckers they are everywhere,
no matter where you call.

When "Life's a bitch and then you die" is written on the wall.
I'll utter those immortal words,
"Fuck 'Em All"

A Daft Scots Lass said...

@TheGlebeBlog Brilliant!!!

Sausage Fingers said...

They are all fuckers but #5 has a awesome rack....

Ryan said...

Fuckers!!! I canny agree on the last one though, dumb blondes used to be ma favourite hobby.

Joshua said...

Congrats to Daffy for winning the challenge. One fucker you forgot goes with that prissy, middle-aged bitch behind you at the store. It's that middle-aged guy that stands too close behind you. You know who I'm talking about, the guy who's about 10 inches from pressing his cock into your ass. Male or female, he doesn't discriminate.

nitebyrd said...

You rant like a professional! Gods! you made me laugh. I hope that getting it all out here makes you less homicidal! LOL

Matthew MacNish said...

You've really got these fuckers nailed.

Akelamalu said...

Yep, we've got all of them here too!

Copyboy said...

I just love your F*cking outlook on life. Praise to you for not being one of the conservative ones. boss is from SA as well. He's quite not conservative.

Boobies said...

I can't stop laughing!!

I've come into contact with every single type of fucker listed!

Great post!

Melanie said...

I don't know if it is comforting to know that fuckers are universal....but they certainly are!

Monkey Man said...

We have every one of those here in the states.

Mark Himes said...

You're a Dirty Girl. I like that!

LilPixi said...

There is. There is always some fucker. Funny post!

And you are so pretty it's crazy.
Also, if summer's just starting there, I think I know where I'm going. Winter's just around the corner here.

Dazee Dreamer said...

I love you. No really. We would have a blast hanging and screaming at the same people.

Rick said...

Down with the fuckers!

Babes Mami said...

#2 and #5 are the ones I seem to attract!

Matt Harvath said...

Fucking Brilliant!! I am still laughing. I think I have met all of these Fuckers! Hell, I am probably one of them myself


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