You Always Get One Fucker, Don't You?

Anyone who knows me in real life knows that this is one of my regular sayings.  I use it all the time because its fucking true! 

Wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, you always get ONE FUCKER who cocks things up for everyone.  Generally you don’t know  The Fucker personally, but he or she always shows up and never fails to piss on your battery.  Here are a few of them:

Fucker #1

On Sunday during the Pipe Band’s performance, my big sis and I were clapping loud, seat-dancing and not too shabbily singing along to the songs they were playing.  (Hell, we knew all the words and that’s just how we roll, Plonkers) and this guy and his wife who were sitting in front of us turns around and gives us a dirty look -as if to say “shut the fuck up”. 

Now, firstly, I know that South Africans are generally really conservative and its just “not cool” to show that you’re having a good time.  (Never understood this) But Janie and I on the other hand, couldn’t give a rats arse what other people think as long as we’re having a good time. 

Secondly, I felt like saying to the pair of them:  "Listen, we paid our R358 just like you two planks to be here, at least I’M going to enjoy it.  Now OFF is the general direction I want you two to Fuck, okay?"

Fucker #2

This prissy middle-aged "kloosterkoek" woman who stands behind you in the supermarket checkout queue with her crisp starched floral blouse and khaki long shorts.  Oh you know the Bitch I’m talking about;  she wears fugly sensible shoes, dyes her poofy hair Fake-Red and completes the look with jarring cheap coral lipstick bought at Clicks.  The Tannie takes one look at all your tattoos, rolls her eyes and shakes her head in extreme disapproval.  Don’t you just want to roar out at top volume;  “Hey, Fucker, its my body I’ll do what the fuck I like with it and I certainly don’t need YOUR approval” and stick my pierced tongue out at her and tell her to Piss off.  That’ll shut her up.

Fucker #3

This Plonker normally emerges in the traffic.  He drives a stolen 3-series BMW and puts M3 badges on it.  He drives with his right elbow perched on his open window, plays his doef-doef dance music too loud through his distorted speakers and wears tacky flea-market shades.  He thinks he’s uber cool and owns the road!  Koos usually indignantly swerves in front of you, cutting YOU off, missing YOUR car by mere millimeters and throws YOU the finger.  A complete arsehole, but this Dude should not be taken on.  He’ll kill his own mother for a fag.

Fuckers #4

Another Fucker found in the traffic, but this one is usually a dittery wee gray-haired lady who does about 40kph in the traffic in the fast lane.  She can hardly see over the steering wheel and is a bout 90 in the shade.  Granny drives a gleaming 1980’s  Volvo Station wagon which she lets the Garden Executive wash and polish on Sunday afternoon, when she gets back from church.  Nana Oxygen Thief will NOT budge from the fast lane not matter what happens and is utterly oblivious to what kind of havoc she is causing by being over-cautious.  She lets in every taxi in front of her but in fact she’s just causing rush-hour mayhem. My Road Rage with Miss Daisy kicks in rapidly but no throwing rude signs or cutting her off will help, because she can’t see more than 30 feet in front of her and she’s clinically deaf. I'd tell her to go to hell but I work there every day and I don't really wanna see her every day!

Fucker #5

The brainless blonde will probably be bopping to Britney Spears on her car radio in the traffic and thinks she’s saving time by doing her make up on the way to work in her rear-view mirror.  Barbie will gradually veer into your lane while applying mascara and when you toot at her and tell her to keep to her own fucking lane, she will try to make it all better by blowing you a kiss and being soopa sweet. Then she’ll mouth “I’m sorry” while texting her boyfriend what just happened.  Getting angry with this nonsensical creative is also a waste of your time.  The insults you hurl at her she will most probably misinterpret for giving her a compliment about her huge tits or her long, freshly manicured-in-the-car nails. After telling her that your intrinsic suaveness cancels out her natural douchiness, this Bimbo Fucker will then happily skip off back to her little pink Chevvy Spark and wheel spin (by mistake) off into the distance.

Oh there are plenty more Fuckers I could talk about but I think 5 is enough for one day so, be careful whose toes you step on today, Mr Fucker, they might be attached to the arse you’ll  have to kiss tomorrow.

Day 25 - The 30 Day Blog Challenge

Topic - What's in your purse?

My purse is where I keep my money and my credit/debit cards but I'm sure this topic means my handbag because the Yanks call it a purse.

So here's whats in my handbag (I would've done another VLOG but I know no one would watch it)

• Make Up Bag
• iPod, earbuds and charger
• Letter to Santa from Megan (haven't posted it yet)
• Deoderant
• Lighter and Fags
• 2 memory sticks
• Hair brush
• Tissues
• A Car Freshener
• Bills
• Waterless Hand Cleanser
• Ultima Fat Away
• Three Pens
• Scrunchie and clips to tie up my hair
• Some dirty tissues
• Car Keys
• Purse 

But Who the Fuck gives a fucking rats arse about that, right? My grovelling apologies to bore you to fucking tears and very nearly slitting your wrists, here's a vid that brough me to tears in a different way!!!

 

I laughed so hard I nearly peed my knickers!

Camping Weekend - Camp Fuckers

There are always Camp Fuckers to be found..

First, you can't miss the South African Rugby Fanatics who buy a bakkie (aka truck) in their team's exact colour, kit out their cars with stickers and flags, wear the team shirt, the team hat and dress the obese wife and ice-cream munching kids in exact same sleeveless vests.  Very attractive.

The men parade around the camp with a ciggie in one hand, a beer in the other, their beer gut hanging over their short-shorts and their camp "pozzie" has every single purchasable Team paraphernalia that you can lay your hands on at the teeny weeny Camp Shop!  Team tattoos are a must!

Megan parking her bike next to a blue bulls kids bicycle with the Blue Blues Bakkie in the background.

The Second lot of Camp Fuckers you get are the Fitness Fanatics. 

These two dooshbags emerged at Dawn's Crack to road cycle from the resort to God-Knows where.... 

Yes, I do mean bicycle on the road for miles on end, complete with all the cycling gear and please note the designer 4x4 trailer with the trendy tent on top and home-made camper in the background.

It was then time to walk around the resort and find some more Camp Fucker types.

We Found the Television Fanatics. 

These plonkers decided it was a super fly idea not only to haul the television with them,

but completed the quiet bush trip with their Satelite Dish.  Hell, we'll even put up a 1970's floral umbrella to keep it cool!?

So much for a relaxing weekend away from home -

Why Bother???

Another Satelite Dish Camp Fucker! 

They place was crawling with them...

Then we came across this guy, he was obviously a Vehicle Fanatic.

Clearly incredibly proud of his particular mode of transportation...

with his bright red tractor with sun canopy and bright blue trailer!

It turns out his rivetting job was to drive around the camp site and pick up all the rubbish

(in his designer Jeep T-shirt, if you please)

Don't you love a guy who dresses for work...

When I initially walked past this next caravan of Camp Fuckers, I couldn't believe what I saw! 

Unfortunately there were too many family members sitting in a semi-circle outsite for me to take an inconspicuous pic at the time....but picture this....

All the adults were sitting outside while they baby was strapped into the pram parked about 6 inches from the blaring television screen.  WTF?  Digital baby sitter. 

Not only that, placed in the middle of the semi-circle of giggling Camp Fuckers, was a naked toddler happily splashing in a bucket of water. 

The resort has four different pools, people and your child is swimming in a bucket??

I decided to walk back this way and see if I could try my luck again at getting a shot...but this time their caravan and tent appeared empty but the television was still blaring!

I have loads more Camp Fucker stories to tell....

of women in full make up jobs - lipliner, lipgloss, fake eyelashes, the works! 

Who goes camping with their make up bag? 

I spotted more Female Camp Fuckers in the abultion blocks primping themselves to perfection with hairdriers and flatening irons, eye lash curlers and tooth whitening kits...I kid you not.

There were teenagers posing in short skirts and cropped tops, dangling earings and shoes with heels

*sigh*

Why pretend to like it?

All of these Camp Fakers, I mean Fuckers should just stay at home and go clubbing for feks sake.