[A Daft Scots Lass]: lady gaga

I bought tickets to a concert and Lady Gaga was the opening supporting act. She had to perform three of her songs and she first appeared at the back of the arena haloed by a massive spotlight. She wore a skin-tight royal blue jump suit covered in sparkly sequence with ridiculously high platform boots and headgear that would frighten even Princess Beatrice.

Lady Gaga was literally leaping down the stairs in those heels in all her glory and I wondered how she didn’t twist and break an ankle. But she made it to the stage! Shew!

I manged to find my seat and guess who I was sitting next to in the front row? Lady Gaga’s wee sister! She looked just like her! We chatted and she said “See those cameras there, there and there?”. She pointed to large cameras dotted all over the stage pointing towards the audience. “Well, those cameras are taking footage of the audience for her new video. So, be sure to wave and go mad when they’re pointed towards you, okay?”.

“erm...okay?!...”, I said, giving Lady Gaga’s sister a raised eyebrow side-ways glance. I didn’t want to tell her that I wasn’t exactly thrilled or a Gaga fan...

Lady Gaga was strutting her stuff and belting it out on stage, but I was keeping my eye on the video cameras waiting for my two seconds to shine. When the camera was pointed in my direction, I did the two thumbs up, mouth open in a extra large smile, like I was having a brilliant time. I was more excited about the fact that I was finally going to have my 5 seconds of fame!

Truth is, I’m not a fan of Lady Gaga at all, in fact, I was actually there for the main event. It was a surprise to me that Lady Gaga was actually there as the supporting act. A small bonus, I suppose.

Lady Gaga’s wee sister turned to me and asked if I wanted to help with Lady Gaga’s wadrobe during the next costume change between songs. She held up two hangers with a really drab looking beige crocheted maxi-skirt and plain black sleeveless top for her next performance.

I was surprised but said “Sure!” immediately thinking that Lady Gaga’s fans would NOT be very impressed with her costume choice. They were used her outrageous fashion and would be completely disappoined with this choice of outfit.

After her first song was over, Lady Gaga came over, grabbed my arm and sped me into a maze of behind-the-scenes tunnels under the stage. So many thoughts went through my mind at that point while we were running through the dark corridors. Geezo, how lucky was I to be in the right place at the right time? I was also kicking myself for not bring my camera with me. I could possibly get a picture of Lady Gaga and myself and sell it for a small fortune on E-bay! I was so excited and yet I was still tying to do my job by keeping Gaga’s headgear perched on her head as it had a long train and Gaga kept tripping over it.

I then did the worst thing I could do. I lied to Lady Gaga!

I pretended to be a star-struck fan and cockted an elaborate story of how I came to be attending her concert. I told her that I’d bought a ticket for her show and forgotten that I’d agreed to baby-sit my sisters two boys the same night, so I gave my ticket to a friend. My sister found out about me giving my ticket away and felt so bad that she organised another baby-sitter for that night and bought me another ticket. I had then lost that ticket and had to buy myself another one. So, in fact I was her biggest fan because I’d bought THREE tickets to her concert.

Lady Gaga was suitably impressed with my story and asked if she could use my name and my story in her biography and in the press. I agreed, of course, not thinking of the consequences. I was just thrilled and flattered to be acknowledge by a huge bad ass celebrity.

Now we were in her small dressing room and she was ripping off her outfit and gesturing for me to hand her the hangers with her clothes on. She put on her drab outfit and I once again raised my eyebrown and thought; “Her fans are not gonna fucking recognise her!” but I faked my appoval . No ornate headgear? Those poor buggers!

In a flash, Gaga was ready and standing on a platform and being elevated upwards bang-slap in the middle of her stage. The second, her fans saw her appear from the floor of the stage they went mental. The screaming was deafening and then I realised why we had been running through all those dark tunnels. We had been en route underneath the stage so she could use her stage lift. It all made sense now.

Watching the empty lift come back down, I suddenly got anxious about the fibs I'd told Lady Gaga. I worried that my family and friends would find out about the lies I’d told her. I felt nervous and guilty.

I was immediately aware of someone else entering the room. It made me jump. The tall man in the black suit introduced himself to me.

He said “Hi, my name is Sebastian”.

I could tell in an instant that he was gay. He was one of those homosexuals that put on the gay voice and use limp-wrist gestures a lot. He was very good-looking and sweet and said that his sole function was to escort me back to my seat safely. I was glad LG had thought of that because all the twists and turns we’d taken in the dark, I knew I’d never find my way back. I also didn’t want to miss the Main Feature. But I wasn’t telling Sebastian that!

Sebastian silently ushered me back through the dark tunnels and corridors. It gave me time to think about what had just happened. I’d just been in the presence of a major celebrity! I faked the fact that I was actually there to see her, when I was actually so damn excited about the Main Feature. I felt guilty all over again. Then I thought to myself; och nevermind, its not like I’m going to ever see her again!

I thanked Sebastian and sat back down Lady Gaga’s sister. We smiled at each other and I woke up.