I had a terrible nightmare last night that I was going through Kaylin's birth all over again. Feeling the pressure the pain and everything. When she was born the midwife said that there is a problem and she wont make it.
She was born without bones (no skeleton except her skull) But her skull had a big hole in it and her brain had started to swell and ooze out of the hole. Her eyes were bulging out of their sockets and they were black and she couldn't see. It was awful.
The nurses said she wouldn't live long and I sat there unable to hold her and the only thing I could do was watch her take her last breaths. The sorrow was overwhelming and so vivid. My heart was aching so badly for the loss.
The worst was having to answer Megan's questions about her sister that she didn't make it and that she couldn't see her as she'd died. It was the hardest thing to do. Also all my friends and family were waiting for the news and when i had to tell them that Kaylin didn't make it - my heart was broken all over again.
I was walking around the hospital corridors with this HEAVY heart and sobbing - it was so real and so emotional. When I woke up this morning that feeling was still there. It was unshakable.
I hate having such emotional and vivid nightmares. I'm confused - what does this mean? It is my subconsious fears, does it mean nothing, why would I continue to feel this way if its only a dream.