Friday's Shoegasm

Happy Friday, Bitches!  

I can't tell you how shitfaced happy I am that it's weekend, baby.  

My spirited seven year old has been giving me grey hair and a possible aneurysm  because we weaned her off some of her ODD/OCD meds three weeks ago.  We have now realised why we put her on the meds in the first place!   She's been irritable, completely impossible and has the focus and concentration of a fucking goldfish.     

We've had a battlefield-of-a-household this week.  I've been bashing heads with Kaylin non-stop, yelling like a ginger banshee and literally foaming at the mouth at times.  Naughty corner was working overtime.    Oh.... its been oh-so-pretty!  

On top of that, Megan started her 2nd term exams and I've been Chief Study Buddy.  A whole other stress on its own...learning what preposition, pronouns, common nouns, synonyms, antonyms, abstract nouns, all over again in a second language - Afrikaans.

Next week is Natural Sciences, Maths and Social Sciences.  

Happy Days!

It's been an emotional meltdown of a week. I wish I could just run away for a week, hide under a fuzzy cashmere blankie in my jammies, live on hot chocolate and beef crisps.  Not have to talk or see anyone or brush my hair.  Blissful alone time to recharge my battery, press my reset button and reboot my brain.  

Yeah....like that's gonna happen.  A girl can dream, right?

Right now that I've Bitched good and hard, here are some pretty things too drool over....

Mint Platform Peep Toe

Pink Ballet Pumps with lace and bow detail.  Too fucking cute.

Perfect for Summer! Red Checked Platforms with Watermelon soles

Red Skull Platforms with Ankle strap and bow detail.  I adore the stripey in-soles

Christian Louboutin Jaws Platforms.  Swoon...

Nautical inspired black patent flats with anchor and heart detail by Mosschino

Traffic Meltdown on the Way to the Neurologist

I sobbed like a blithering idiot.  The tears spilled down my cheeks and dripped off the end of my nose.  My mascara streaked my cheeks and I didn’t care.  I was crying and howling loudly and moaning in between howls.   The noises surprised me.  I felt utterly traumatised.  

My chest closed up, I was having trouble breathing and my heart felt like it was being crushed by a thousand steam trains.  I cried like I haven’t cried since I was a wee lass!  My emotions totally overwhelmed me and I couldn’t control it.  My sadness and disappointment chewed me up and vomited me out again.  If felt totally over-powered by my regurgitated misery and it spilled out all over the place.  I couldn’t contain it.

Luckily, I was in the cocoon of my car and wore over-sized sunnies to hide the blood-shot puffy eyes and smudged make-up!

I was exhausted before I even got there.

What am I talking about, I hear you say? 

Well, let me tell you the tale…

Most of you know, I had a long-awaited appointment with the Neurologist for our Kaylin scheduled for yesterday.

I arranged for Kaylin to go to work with her dad when he left at 6am.  My reasoning behind it  was, if I ran late in bad traffic, R could take Kaylin to the appointment and we could meet up there. So while waiting for me to get there, R could fill in all the paper work and do all the necessary payments etc. After all, we had waiting three months for this appointment and I REALLY didn’t want to miss it. 

Anyhoo, what transpired was a sobbing, blithering idiot. 

I left home at 7am to be at the appointment at 9am.  By 8:30 I was getting anxious and I knew I wasn’t going to make it.  I was still stuck in bumper to bumper traffic and so I phoned R to tell him to go straight to the hospital without me.  As I watched the minutes tick by, I was getting more and more worked up because I was going to be late and miss everything!   

I knew R had everything under control but I’ve never wanted to be somewhere else so badly in my life!  This was the future of my little baby girl we were talking about! 

Just then my Tom-Tom navigation conked out on me.  Battery died and on top of that my cellphone was beeping to tell me that the battery was low and I didn’t have a charger for either!  My anxiety was mounting.  Not only was I going to be horribly late, I was going to get lost because I didn’t know the area and hadn’t asked for directions because I have the Tom-Tom. 

Fucking Typical!

I called R and he told me they got to the hospital and they’d started the EEG.  I felt sad that I couldn’t be there to hold my wee lassies hand while they attached scary electrodes to her head with special glue.  I wanted to be there to hold her hand while she cried, I wanted to soothe her nervousness and tell her everything was going to be okay. 

I couldn’t.  I was stuck in traffic and lost!

I told R about the batteries dying and he said his phone’s battery was low too.  I didn’t know how I was going to find the hospital if I lost contact with him.  Then we got cut off.

That was it for me.  I lost all control and thats when the sobbing started, uncontrollable sobs!  The ugly cry where you can't catch yer breath.

I had been in the traffic for over two and a half hours!  I didn’t know where I was and my car’s petrol gauge was on empty.  I received a message from R giving me directions which just confused me because my sense of direction is fucking non-existent.

I eventually got off the highway and found a garage to fill my car with petrol.  At the petrol station, the petrol attendant took one look at my Panda Eyes and got very concerned, he asked if I was okay and I brushed him off in return for directions to the hospital.  He was very helpful and concerned and even asked if I needed a glass of water.  Didn’t he understand all I wanted to do with be there for my wee lassie!?

I got back on the road and followed the directions the petrol attendant had given me.  Thank God, he knew what he was dealing with – a directionally challenge emotional half-wit – and made them very simple for me to follow.  Also, thank God for all the Sunninghill Hospital signs along the way.  I wouldn’t have found it otherwise.  I was too wound up!

I had to park about three days on horse away from the hospital but no horses to be found, so I did a wee bit of speed walking all the way in my five inch wedge heels to the doctor’s rooms.  I caught a look at myself in the lift’s mirror as I walked in and quickly erased the black lines from under my eyes down my cheeks.  I was a mess!

Needless to say, I didn’t ask half the questions I wanted to.  It took me forever to calm down and my heart was racing for a long time. 

So, now I need to phone her and ask her some of the questions and concerns I still have, especially with the ECG and the medication she recommends for her. 

The doc told us that her EEG was normal  – no abnormal brain activity.  However, KK is quite high up on the ADHD scale.  We had a questionnaire to complete, which we went through quite extensively and she recommends that any child that gets a score of anything above 6 out of 18, could really benefit from medication.  Kaylin is a 13 out of 18!  She did say that  Kaylin would be able to focus and concentrate better with the meds and not alter her personality in any way.  She said their will be a gradual change and we will all have to also adapt to that change slowly.  I just thought she didn’t really go through many alternatives, other than putting KK on meds.

She also mentioned that KK has low muscle tone but that she doesn’t think Occupational Therapy  is necessary as long as we encourage sport and activities – she recommended swimming as KK already does Monkeynastix and Champ Sports at school.  KK not only has the hyperactivity but also has anger and aggression issues, which we have another medication for.  This will help her cope with her frustrations. It will also help increase her appetite, which Strattera will decrease so she said the two work hand-in-hand together.

I know I need to phone her now that I’ve calmed down and have all my questions answered.  I still feel pretty emotional about the whole day.

We started Kaylin on her meds last night.  I will be monitoring her very carefully and take it one day at a time.  I don’t want to medicate her to make our lives as parents easier.  I want to do this to improve Kaylin’s frustrations because of her hyperactivity and poor concentration.

Poor wee button was so proud of herself for taking her capsule.  She has never taken a pill before.  All her meds up until now have been in a syrup form.  I handed her glass of water told her what to do and was rewarded with a beaming smile from KK.

Only time will tell if it is the right thing…

Emotional Meltdown

I dropped my youngest Aspies child at pre-school this morning and my heart shattered in a thousand pieces...

Kaylin who has just turned 5 on Sunday, is quickly following in her sister's foot-steps when it comes to what she thinks is cool, what she wears, how she acts.  

Now, my eldest is a out-and-out tom-boy and takes great pride in the fact that she loves everything to do with boys - from the way they cut their hair, the games they play, the clothes they wear, the TV programmes they watch, och just about everything that a boy would be labeled to do... She hasn't worn a dress since she was 2 and that was only for a wedding and I had to bribe her to wear it.

So, back to Kaylin.  She has fast become more and more tom-boyish in the last couple of years, looking up to her big sister and watching what she does.  She loves to mimic her big sister and has only ever known a very boyish older sister to look up to.  Kaylin used to love dresses and dolls... Oh, don't get me wrong she still loves her dolls and dresses up as "Mummy" in her dresses, heels, jewelry and loves her handbags etc.  BUT it isn't day-to-day wear for her.  She sees it only to be used in roleplay dress up (at least she will still wear it).

I've always believed that a child needs to have the freedom to be who they want to be.  To be unique, to be an individual and that includes wearing what they want to (as long as THEY are happy - thats my motto).  I've put up with her wearing two different shoes to school for nearly a year. I've put up with wellies in the blistering heat. I've put up with her wanting to wear her favourite jeans that have huge holes in them for 3 days in a row, och you name it.  

Our Wee Kaylin. Always Smiling...

This morning she was so very chuffed she dressed herself!   She put on a yellow Scooby doo T-shirt, a pair of bright green and fuchsia board shorts, boys flip flops and ripped out the pony tail I put in her hair - no knickers!  Fuck it - she was as  happy as a pig in shite!  I didn't fight.  I actually praised her for getting ready without me even asking...sometimes my eldest can't even manage this...

Off we go to school in a good mood ready to start the day and Kaylin, eager to see her wee pals.  The minutes she walks in the door her wee girlfriends call her.  "Kaylin! Yaaaaaay!" and she beams with happiness.  She runs towards the two little girl-friends, who always wear frills and barbie brands....and the one of the little Prissy Misses points to Kaylin, sniggers behind her hand and says to the other little girlie-girl "KAYLIN'S A BOY!"

My heart broke for her.

I could see on her face that Kaylin was hurt.

Then Kaylin got angry!

She yelled at them "I'm NOT a boy!!! I"M NOT A BOY!!" going red in the face.

Of course Mummy Bear stepped in to defend her BABY BEAR immediately!

I told those two wee lassies that the should be ashamed of themselves because it is very nasty and ugly to tease a friend for what she wears.  That, just because her favourite colour is NOT pink and that she doesn't like skirts and dresses, does NOT mean that she's a boy.  I asked if they would like to be teased for being different?  I could've gone on forever but they looked at me with startled big eyes...

Then I backed away.

I got down and gave Kaylin a huge hug and told her that she shouldn't listen to anyone who teases her.  I told her that she is just perfect the way that she is.  

I wanted to scoop my baby up into my arms and hide her away and protect her from those two little bitches!!!  

But she needs to fight her own way in life.  I'm not doing her any favours by stepping in and making a scene that only a red-headed feisty Scots mum can make.  

Och, but sometimes a Mummy Bear has gotta do what a Mummy Bear's gotta do, right?

Tomorrow all will be forgiven between all three of them.  I'll be the one who still ponders it all and worries about it.  I'll be the one who struggles with my little girls that are so different from the other little girls at school. My girls are happy just being themselves and I want to let them be who they feel comfortable being.

But kids can be so fucking cruel!