Happy Birthday Jack!

Firstly, lets take a minute to wish Jack a Happy Birthday.

I hope you have a fantastic day, you sexy, talented beast

Now on to July's Blog Challenge over at Paula's Place.  

Go Link Up.

Today's Question is :  What is your food philosophy?

I have a love/hate relationship with food. 

I love to eat, but I have always had to watch what I eat, because I pick up weight so easily.  I go through good, clean eating phases and then I fall off the wagon for a while.  

I do use exercise to maintain my weight, but it's a constant a struggle for me.

Doesn't stop me from drooling over all the Food Porn on Pinterest.

And you EAT with that mouth?

We humans eat very strange things.

I love my polony with cold baked beans rolled inside.  Yeah, we all have strange combinations that we love to munch down on.

And no, I am not even going to mention things like Mopani worms or fried crickets….thats just fucking gross! 

We all have a list of stuff we will NOT put into your mouth.  For me, its internal organs.  I just can't bear the smell of liver or kidneys. I can't stomach the reek of cooking pork.  I think this stems from when my big sister had to boil an entire pig's head to get the jaw bone for a school project. The reek lingered in our wee hoos for weeks.

I shiver when people discuss eating a good tongue or tripe. I mean, what can be good about  puting an animal's tongue in yer mouth? (and I'm not talking about french kissing it either) except that it licks its own arse and probably other bovine's arses too!  

How about Haggis?  I know, I'm meant to love everything Scottish but who the fuck wants to eat a shredded sheeps liver, lungs and and heart encased its own stomach lining?  Fuck me!!

And those strange things from the sea that make me shudder.  Prawns and crayfish - I like a good crafish thermodore (don't get me wrong) but when I watch people devour their feelers and eyes and suck out the heads, I just want to chuck up. 

Feeling a bit faint, yet?  Let me just have a sip of my tea to calm the stomach jitters.  

I think those fucking things are hideous!  Prawns have ugliest, bulging eyeballs … imagine how scared your innards must be watching that lot slide down your gullet!   I don't want to eat anything that looks back at me,  thank you very much.  Never mind the fact that they die in the most awful way. How would you like to be surprised by being submerged in boiling water until pink and bubbling away?  Lovely thought.

Put you off have I? 

Good. 

Sushi is the new craze.  What if that poor fish is still breathing? And why did we invent stoves and grills? Yes, Plonkers, to cook the stuff before we bloody eat it! 

I love my veggies. In fact, I start craving them if I do not eat them regularly. However, that newish obscene-looking mushroom which is all the rage (or so I am told) and costs an arm and a leg - looks like a mangled pussy.  Yes, people The Love Hole Mushroom is on the market.  No Way Jose am I eating that even if they rename it Magic Pussy Mushroom.

Balute

Eggs. I dread cracking a raw egg with the freaky possibility of seeing a bloody, half-developed chick or an eyeball looking up at me!  A few years ago, I was hysterical with laughter when I saw this ad outside a shop: Eggs, fresh from the chicken’s arse. 

Cannot get more to the point than that , it still makes me laugh  tho! 

Most of us adore a juicy fruit.  But no lychees for me thank you.  I have wiped too many snotty wee noses that look far too similar in my lifetime.  

Oh my gosh, I forgot to mention tinned pilchards! The world is full of economical pilchard recipes and they're budgie priced - Cheap! Cheap!  Until someone pointed out to me that if you look carefully, some of them have little sacks of eggs on the side … I nearly fucking puked! 

We are all taught to eat brown bread. They say its VERY good for us, you know.  More digestible and all-'n-all.  But nobody mentions that it tastes like a fucking Arabs sandshoe. Unless you have wholewheat.  Thats far better but those pesky wee seeds will either get lodged between your teeth for all eternity or you need a trip to the dentist to fix your R2000 crown you've just split in two.

We all love potato salad, right?  Well, its always the first thing to be depleted at our braais (aka barbeques). But please don’t ever buy it from Woolies (sorry Woolworths, I speaketh the truth). The potatoes are usually undercooked and definitely cannot compare with a good old homemade potato salad with loads of full-cream mayo.   Woolies tattie salad tastes like polystyrene cubes tossed in wood glue - totally bland and gross.

And shop bought cakes! Like you see in the corner tea rooms? Don’t they just give you the fucking heebie jeebies? All that decorative crap on top: can it possibly be yellowed 'fresh' cream, icing or the new dairy-free topping? I doubt it. And that baking soda taste in tea room scones just about blows the roof of your head off. 

Watching people in restaurants eating rare steak also freaks me out.  Once again, is it really dead or could a good vet do CPR and revive that poor old moo?  Yuk!  We did invent fire, muthafuckers and its not necessary to eat anything tartar.  That's so for the proletariat.

And so the list continues ... on the bright side, at the rate I am finding fault, I won’t be eating anything any time soon and I will get SO thin that the fattest part of me will be my hair!  

How blissful does that sound?

The difference between light and hard is that you can sleep with a light on.

I have lost my blog mojo! Would that make it blojo?



I tried looking for it but it wasn’t under the bed, or outside behind the shed. It wasn’t lost at sea, or behind my ear. I think I may have accidentally thrown it out with my Cupboard Clutter.


How do I find it and get my blog groove back, Plonkers?


I used to start writing a blog post with a clean sheet of paper and a dirty mind. My blog posts used to be funny and entertaining. Now the are just "and".


All I can think about is how tired I am and how much I need a holiday. Seems like I’m not the only one feeling like this. I speak to friends, family, colleagues and they all say that it’s that time of year when everyone is grumpy and irritated.


I am no exception. I’m grumpier than and old woman with sore tits, a wet pair of parachute knickers and an itchy fanny.


Only boring people are brilliant at breakfast.


Okay, here is my hypothesis:


It is because I lack BlogFuel©.


Yes, blogging fuel. Everyone has their own preference of BlogFuel©. For me it is potato crisps. I'm referring to real crisps – the authentic potato chip, not those sissy corn-puff crisps that vanish when you put them in yer mouth. I’m particularly partial to beef flavour. Mexican chilli is a close second.


Och, don’t tell me you don’t have a perculiar ritual that you execute while blogging. Don’t say you don’t munch on your desired grub while moderating your comments and contemplating Google Reader.


BlogFuel© makes us think better and blog better? If you disagree, then I’m dippier than  @TheEllenShow on Twitter.


Don’t fucking judge me. 

I need to blog on a full tank!


You see, lately all I’ve been eating is Bok-Kos aka bunny chow aka salad and veggies. I’m permanently on diet because I’ve put on so much weight since I stopped smoking 10 months ago. I have been enduring a whole lot of low-fat shite and restricting my sugar intake, so BlogFuel© has not been promptly accessible.


I think I’ve lost my blog mojo because of my lack of BlogFuel©.


They say you loose yer mojo when you’re stressed or surrounded with clutter. I recently cleared out my Cupboard Clutter to make space for more shoes.  Seems like no one is interested in taking it off my hands yet, so perhaps I’ve lost my blog mojo because of all the time I've been dedicating to creating order and shipshape cupboards.


BlogFuel© is my self-invented word. Use it well, my blogger chums.


I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation.

Wait! I’ve had yet another Brain Fart!


No, no a make that a Brand Fart!


I should start my own line of potato crisps called BlogFuel©.


Flavours will include; RSS Feed-Yer-Face Roast Beef, PingBack Prawn, Subcribe Spicy Salsa and Follower Fruit Chutney to start off with.


I’ll fucking kill it! Its already patented, Fuckers so don’t think of stealing my idea.


At first, I’ll market them here on my blog and when it takes off, it will go global.


I’ll be the next fucking Bill Gates!


Stand back, watch this space.


Fame and Fortune ensues.


Fuel Up!

BlogFuelly Yours,

Blog Action Day - Food Glorious Food

So, Plonkity-Plonkers...its Blog Action Day today and the theme this year is Food.  One of my favourite things, that's why my arse resembles the rear of a Renault Migraine...er Megane.  It's so fucking wide!

Anyhoozer, if you're anything like me and domestically challenged...  actually, I'm not that bad.  It's just that I don't enjoy cooking or being in the kitchen.  I'm certainly no Domestic Goddess but I can calculate kilojoules to calories and back again with uncanny precision because I'm forever on diet.  

My meals in the kitchen are what my loving family call "The Quick and Nasty". 

Don't get me wrong, I CAN cook and bake if I want to, when I feel the desire (which is not often) but I'd rather not, quite frankly.  Lets just say I could think of dozens of other things I'd rather be doing. I do what I need to do - get in - get out - clean up - done.  That's A Daft Scots Lass in the kitchen.  

So, I thought I'd talk about Cooking Classes and what I found while Googling for it.

Take The Anatomy of Food Cooking Classes within the comfort of your own home. Anatomy of Food chef, Aimee Hunter will instruct you, you and your preferred partner, or you and three of your closest friends on how to enhance your home cooking with local ingredients.

Braise, bake, and baste to your heart's delight with the season's bounty:  think Winter vegetables and Fall fruit crumbles. Not your average food blogger or cooking instructor, chef Hunter will teach you how to make a favorite dish sustainably or revisit the basics to enhance your health and everyday cooking. 

Learn in an intimate setting, solo or with your best pals, over a glass of mulled wine if you so choose. They say that's the anatomy of a great evening!

If all the pomp and and garnishing is not for you, then head on out to MacDonalds for a 4 year old cheese burger!

I'm on a Whisky diet. I've lost 3 days already!

If you could choose between loosing 5kg (more or less 10bs) or receiving R1000 ($70) in cash, which one would you choose?  And why?

Its seems that 23% of us have tried or are using diet pills, 47% of us are afraid of puting on weight, 58% of us turn to food, 68% are almost always on diet.

Some of us can't even tell if we're hungry or full or just plain thirsty...we seem preoccupied with food, eating, dieting or pursuing new weight loss information.  We constantly tell each other which foods are good or bad, we say "If only I were 5kgs thinner...I'd [fill in your shitty story]". 

I use food as a comfort and eat for an emotional need other than a physical hunger, I think most of us are in this slot.  Some of us feel guilty after eating because we have over-eaten and sometimes are moods are influenced by what we have eaten or not have eaten.  We constantly examine our bodies, checking out the bad areas, some of us count calories and points, some of us become exercise addicts, secret eaters, secret purgers. 

Why do we battled with our relationship with food and our weight?

We need to stop obsession and listen to our bodies, find out why we have a certain relationship with food.  We need to eat to live not live to eat.  We need to stop looking at the media that dictates we all need to look like fucking sickly stick insects.

Its simple, eat three balanced nutritious meals a day, drink lots of water.  Everything in moderation. 

Yes, it seems so simple and I still can't get it fucking right!

So would you choose the money or the weight?

I'd choose the weight - everytime!  Can I have more than one go?