Things I wish I was good at

Here are a few things I wish I was a whole lot better at doing: 

Movie Crying. Behold, a few delicate tears adorning a cheek. Instead, with me it’s The Ugy Cry. The blotchy, unmitigated werewolf’s howl and snotty sobbing. So not sexy!


Interacting with teenagers. No, I do NOT want to listen to your fucking awful Rihanna remix on a tinny cellphone or watch a video clip of Bieber swishing his hair again. Awkward.

Discovering a great book before everyone else does.

Being a charming, carefree drunk, rather than the drunk who decides this is the best time to bring up deep-seated emotional issues and beastly sneers.  "Dronk verdriet" is not pretty.

Which leads me neatly into The Hangover Paranoia that I might’ve made an utter fucking idiot of myself the night before.   To be fair though, its usually because I have thinking I can sing like Celine Dion and dancelike J.Lo.  The photos tell a different story.

Overcoming our inner cheapskate and ditching that two-year-old favourite mascara, or stubby lipstick from a decade ago. Hey, you never know when you might need gold shimmer lipstick.  I'm a Scot I hate having to spend my hard earned cash.


Maintaining the matching underwear level of effort in a relationship.   A year in, we’re happy to sit in front of him and devour so much food that we break a sweat and then cock yer leg to fart.

Showing restraint at the complementary bar at a wedding. There WILL be photos and I WILL look like a savage clutching both an entire bottle of wine and one glass while singing Tina Turner karaoke!

Customising clothes. No Trinny and Susannah, I do not look “fierce”. I look like I’ve subject to stuff to a massacre.  I'll stick to the classic look.

Not looking up his ex on Facebook, cackling like an old whore when she looks terrible and fat; and then spiraling into deep gloom and despair when she looks glamorous and soopa skinny. Biatch!

A DIY French manicure. Firstly I’d love nails (I chew), secondly it would look like I’d dipped my fingertips in Tippex.

Wise-owl life-changing pearls of wisdom. Our favourite gems? “You look great with a fringe”, “There’s more fish in the sea” and “Just get an overdraft”.

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What the Frikadel?! Things That Prove I am an Old Fart

1. Windows XP was released TEN years ago, in 2001.

2. The "new" Millennium is more than a decade old.

3. Pierce Brosnan last acted as James Bond 9 years ago.

4. It's been 10 years since 9/11

5. The Matrix came out 12 years ago, Keanu Reeves is 46 years old.

6. Mother Theresa and Lady Diana have been dead for 14 years.

7. Macaulay Culkin is 30. "Home Alone" came out over 20 years ago.

8. Terminator 2 is 20 years old. Edward Furlong who portrayed kid John Connor is 33 now.

9. Sean Connery is 80 years old and retired.

10. The youngest Spice Girl is 35, the oldest Backstreet Boy 39, Gwen Stefani is 41, Madonna 52

11. The first Harry Potter book came out 14 years ago!

12. The first season of F.R.I.E.N.D.S was aired 17 years ago!

13. 'Kids' born in 1993 can legally drive, drink and vote this year.

14. Jurassic Park is older than Justin Bieber!

15. Bryan Adams' cult song "Summer of 69? was released 26 years ago.

16. Kids whom you remember in their nappies are posting pics of themselves smoking on Facebook

17. Facebook has been around for 7 years!

So Plonkers, when J.Lo says " its a new generation of party people", she is NOT referring to us 

Put that in yer pipe 'n smoke it. 

Justin Bieber chops his mop or mopped his chop?

Teeny Weeny Justin Bieber lost thousands of followers on Facebook and 80 000 Tweeters recently because the Squealing Chop chopped his mop off..bye-bye bangs hello "mature" look.

"Yeah so it's true...I got a lil haircut...i like it...and we are giving all the hair cut to CHARITY to auction. Details coming soon" 

Before and After

February 2010 even shorter

What do you think?