Tuesday, 28 June 2011

Things I wish I was good at

Here are a few things I wish I was a whole lot better at doing: 
Movie Crying. Behold, a few delicate tears adorning a cheek. Instead, with me it’s The Ugy Cry. The blotchy, unmitigated werewolf’s howl and snotty sobbing. So not sexy!


Interacting with teenagers. No, I do NOT want to listen to your fucking awful Rihanna remix on a tinny cellphone or watch a video clip of Bieber swishing his hair again. Awkward.

Discovering a great book before everyone else does.

Being a charming, carefree drunk, rather than the drunk who decides this is the best time to bring up deep-seated emotional issues and beastly sneers.  "Dronk verdriet" is not pretty.

Which leads me neatly into The Hangover Paranoia that I might’ve made an utter fucking idiot of myself the night before.   To be fair though, its usually because I have thinking I can sing like Celine Dion and dancelike J.Lo.  The photos tell a different story.

Overcoming our inner cheapskate and ditching that two-year-old favourite mascara, or stubby lipstick from a decade ago. Hey, you never know when you might need gold shimmer lipstick.  I'm a Scot I hate having to spend my hard earned cash.


Maintaining the matching underwear level of effort in a relationship.   A year in, we’re happy to sit in front of him and devour so much food that we break a sweat and then cock yer leg to fart.

Showing restraint at the complementary bar at a wedding. There WILL be photos and I WILL look like a savage clutching both an entire bottle of wine and one glass while singing Tina Turner karaoke!

Customising clothes. No Trinny and Susannah, I do not look “fierce”. I look like I’ve subject to stuff to a massacre.  I'll stick to the classic look.

Not looking up his ex on Facebook, cackling like an old whore when she looks terrible and fat; and then spiraling into deep gloom and despair when she looks glamorous and soopa skinny. Biatch!

A DIY French manicure. Firstly I’d love nails (I chew), secondly it would look like I’d dipped my fingertips in Tippex.

Wise-owl life-changing pearls of wisdom. Our favourite gems? “You look great with a fringe”, “There’s more fish in the sea” and “Just get an overdraft”.

Don't forget to go and enter this week's Caption My Freak Photo #11 by clicking HERE

13 comments:

Melanie said...

OMG. Yes to all of the above. And I would like to know where all the freaks that are capable of accompishing all of that are...

The Tame Lion said...

I see, thanks for sharing.
Always remember:
I'm always here to support you.

Brian Miller said...

hehe on looking up the ex...

Daffy said...

ARE there people that are really good at that shit? I'm prone to think they are just steep in great delusions if they 1.THINK they are and 2.TELL people they are.

And whats wrong with cocking your leg for a good breaking of wind? Seriously...I think thats just a creative way of saying "I love you THIS much"

Brenda said...

Bwahahaha. Thanks for the laughs, Gilz.xx

Brenda said...

Bwahahaha!

Skinny Bitches in the Making said...

am so glad that I'm not alone with this stuff! I'm hoping it all comes in a manual when I finally admit to being a grownup.

JennyMac said...

what is funnier, the take on teenagers and their Rihanna remixes or how to be a carefree drunk. HILARIOUS!

blueviolet said...

I don't know if it's possible not to look ugly when crying!

I also don't know that anyone is particularly charming when drunk!

Oilfield Trash said...

You just cracked me the heck up with this post.

JoJo said...

brilliant post. looking up his ex!!ha ha xx

Aaron M. Gipson said...

I have had a lot of my exes look me up on Facebook, and it's always been a source of a chuckle for me. I stated very decent shape, all of the other guys from my graduating class have adopted the "Bluto" look which entails getting as fat as possible, shaving your head, and growing a goatee in an attempt to look "tough" as opposed to slovenly.

A Daft Scots Lass said...

@Melanie you will be surprised.

@Daffy I believe so

@Brenda thanx for poppin' in

@Aaron Mr Popular...

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