Interacting with teenagers. No, I do NOT want to listen to your fucking awful Rihanna remix on a tinny cellphone or watch a video clip of Bieber swishing his hair again. Awkward.
Discovering a great book before everyone else does.
Being a charming, carefree drunk, rather than the drunk who decides this is the best time to bring up deep-seated emotional issues and beastly sneers. "Dronk verdriet" is not pretty.
Which leads me neatly into The Hangover Paranoia that I might’ve made an utter fucking idiot of myself the night before. To be fair though, its usually because I have thinking I can sing like Celine Dion and dancelike J.Lo. The photos tell a different story.
Overcoming our inner cheapskate and ditching that two-year-old favourite mascara, or stubby lipstick from a decade ago. Hey, you never know when you might need gold shimmer lipstick. I'm a Scot I hate having to spend my hard earned cash.
Maintaining the matching underwear level of effort in a relationship. A year in, we’re happy to sit in front of him and devour so much food that we break a sweat and then cock yer leg to fart.
Showing restraint at the complementary bar at a wedding. There WILL be photos and I WILL look like a savage clutching both an entire bottle of wine and one glass while singing Tina Turner karaoke!
Customising clothes. No Trinny and Susannah, I do not look “fierce”. I look like I’ve subject to stuff to a massacre. I'll stick to the classic look.
Not looking up his ex on Facebook, cackling like an old whore when she looks terrible and fat; and then spiraling into deep gloom and despair when she looks glamorous and soopa skinny. Biatch!
A DIY French manicure. Firstly I’d love nails (I chew), secondly it would look like I’d dipped my fingertips in Tippex.
Wise-owl life-changing pearls of wisdom. Our favourite gems? “You look great with a fringe”, “There’s more fish in the sea” and “Just get an overdraft”.
Don't forget to go and enter this week's Caption My Freak Photo #11 by clicking HERE