Things I wish I was good at

Here are a few things I wish I was a whole lot better at doing: 

Movie Crying. Behold, a few delicate tears adorning a cheek. Instead, with me it’s The Ugy Cry. The blotchy, unmitigated werewolf’s howl and snotty sobbing. So not sexy!


Interacting with teenagers. No, I do NOT want to listen to your fucking awful Rihanna remix on a tinny cellphone or watch a video clip of Bieber swishing his hair again. Awkward.

Discovering a great book before everyone else does.

Being a charming, carefree drunk, rather than the drunk who decides this is the best time to bring up deep-seated emotional issues and beastly sneers.  "Dronk verdriet" is not pretty.

Which leads me neatly into The Hangover Paranoia that I might’ve made an utter fucking idiot of myself the night before.   To be fair though, its usually because I have thinking I can sing like Celine Dion and dancelike J.Lo.  The photos tell a different story.

Overcoming our inner cheapskate and ditching that two-year-old favourite mascara, or stubby lipstick from a decade ago. Hey, you never know when you might need gold shimmer lipstick.  I'm a Scot I hate having to spend my hard earned cash.


Maintaining the matching underwear level of effort in a relationship.   A year in, we’re happy to sit in front of him and devour so much food that we break a sweat and then cock yer leg to fart.

Showing restraint at the complementary bar at a wedding. There WILL be photos and I WILL look like a savage clutching both an entire bottle of wine and one glass while singing Tina Turner karaoke!

Customising clothes. No Trinny and Susannah, I do not look “fierce”. I look like I’ve subject to stuff to a massacre.  I'll stick to the classic look.

Not looking up his ex on Facebook, cackling like an old whore when she looks terrible and fat; and then spiraling into deep gloom and despair when she looks glamorous and soopa skinny. Biatch!

A DIY French manicure. Firstly I’d love nails (I chew), secondly it would look like I’d dipped my fingertips in Tippex.

Wise-owl life-changing pearls of wisdom. Our favourite gems? “You look great with a fringe”, “There’s more fish in the sea” and “Just get an overdraft”.

Don't forget to go and enter this week's Caption My Freak Photo #11 by clicking HERE

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My Recent Epiphany

Over the past few weeks I have been thinking - LOTS!

I realised why loads of people are reluctant to open up and share their feelings. I was thinking of how some people just shut you out no matter how hard you try.

I realise that no one wants to appear vulnerable because they don’t want to get hurt. Being hurt is awful. No, it’s not awful, its fucking awful.

I’ve been there for many years – not revealing my true feelings, not opening up completely for the fear of being hurt but....
and here’s the BIG epiphany BUT....

I realised this:

Exactly how much of a satisfied and content life can we experience, if we build all these walls around ourselves and put on our best poker face?

We can’t live in the past; we can’t live filled with regret and bitterness.

Most of us have been hurt at least ONCE in our lifetime. I’m not talking about someone calling you a “Biatch-Ho!” and a single tear trickles down your cheek, kind of hurt. I’m talking about the change-your-life kind of hurt.

Which made me remember “The Ugly Cry”.

The uncontrollable sobbing when your face looks like a piece of battered meat by the end of it all. The snot running down to your top lip, endless tears in your swollen eyes and a headache from ‘hucking back ‘ the snot. It’s ugly and it’s definitely NOT for sissies.

I’m talking about the kind of hurt that shatters your entire soul. When someone betrays you so badly that it feels like your heart has been ruptured from your chest and someone is hopping on top on it with heavy-duty pogo stick - over and over again.

I’m talking about the kind of hurt that lasts for a lifetime and just thinking about it, even years later, makes you weep all over again.

I realised that even though previous hurts are forgiven, but not forgotten, I still need to take the risk. I want to leap into the unknown and play open cards and wear my heart on my sleeve again.

I’m at the point in my life where I have started being entirely honest with myself and the people in my life. Honest about my feelings, honest about what’s truly in my heart.

This is the only way I’m going to have that anxiety-free contentment in all my relationships. It’s the only way that I will experience true connections.

How can you expect someone to give everything to you, when you’re only giving half. Right?

Has it only taken me nearly 20 years to realise this?

Well, yes.

It may not seem like an epiphany to anyone else, but to me this is a BIG DEAL.

Poker-face is soooooo last season.