Getting Back in the Coitus Maximus Saddle. Yeeeeehaw!

After you’ve had a couple of kids it is quite common for your sex drive to take a nose dive. This can be remedied in various ways, so you needn’t despair. For example, you may want to consider an increasingly popular trend that is to invest in sex toys such as vibrating hand held devices or things slightly less adventurous such as flavoured lubricant. It is difficult to resist the temptation with some of the best sex toys almost guaranteeing The Big O. This is not sales speak either, they genuinely work!

Before kids, when the urge and opportunity arose, you were bonking like rabbits, but it’s hard to be spontaneous when there are more than two peoples’ timetables to consider and wee people's leering eyes peeping around every corner.

One of the most common bits of advice is to schedule time, but this is easier said than done because most women can’t just “turn it on” at a certain time. Men can become a pain in the arsky when you schedule a time for some romance and then their lover isn’t in the mood. They don’t understand that women can’t just get a hard on and go for it, and will be frustrated if they feel they have been promised something that then isn’t delivered.

One way to counteract this is to try getting into the mood by letting your imagination go wild before the anticipated event. Fantasy is a key part of foreplay and you can use your imagination at anytime. It also livens up the most boring tasks you end up having to do once you become a mother. Hanging out the washing whilst dreaming of what you and your lover will be getting up to later can turn a chore into a treat. This will also help you to ignore the temptation to get on top of all of the jobs you have been putting off rather than on top of your husband.

If you have small kids there is always the telly to “baby sit” them while you enjoy a quickie, but then you are listening with one ear for the pitter patter of feet down the hall or calls for "Muuuuuum!". This can be off putting, but as long as you have the door firmly shut and LOCKED and they are involved in their program you should be able to get away with it. Just make sure it is a quickie! It might be a good idea to use one of your quieter sex toys as it will be difficult to explain away the unusual sounds coming from mummy and daddy’s room!

However you organise or manage your time, make sure you don’t forget the importance of maintaining your sex life as it will solidify your and your partner’s relationship and you will both be stronger because of it.

Things I wish I was good at

Here are a few things I wish I was a whole lot better at doing: 

Movie Crying. Behold, a few delicate tears adorning a cheek. Instead, with me it’s The Ugy Cry. The blotchy, unmitigated werewolf’s howl and snotty sobbing. So not sexy!


Interacting with teenagers. No, I do NOT want to listen to your fucking awful Rihanna remix on a tinny cellphone or watch a video clip of Bieber swishing his hair again. Awkward.

Discovering a great book before everyone else does.

Being a charming, carefree drunk, rather than the drunk who decides this is the best time to bring up deep-seated emotional issues and beastly sneers.  "Dronk verdriet" is not pretty.

Which leads me neatly into The Hangover Paranoia that I might’ve made an utter fucking idiot of myself the night before.   To be fair though, its usually because I have thinking I can sing like Celine Dion and dancelike J.Lo.  The photos tell a different story.

Overcoming our inner cheapskate and ditching that two-year-old favourite mascara, or stubby lipstick from a decade ago. Hey, you never know when you might need gold shimmer lipstick.  I'm a Scot I hate having to spend my hard earned cash.


Maintaining the matching underwear level of effort in a relationship.   A year in, we’re happy to sit in front of him and devour so much food that we break a sweat and then cock yer leg to fart.

Showing restraint at the complementary bar at a wedding. There WILL be photos and I WILL look like a savage clutching both an entire bottle of wine and one glass while singing Tina Turner karaoke!

Customising clothes. No Trinny and Susannah, I do not look “fierce”. I look like I’ve subject to stuff to a massacre.  I'll stick to the classic look.

Not looking up his ex on Facebook, cackling like an old whore when she looks terrible and fat; and then spiraling into deep gloom and despair when she looks glamorous and soopa skinny. Biatch!

A DIY French manicure. Firstly I’d love nails (I chew), secondly it would look like I’d dipped my fingertips in Tippex.

Wise-owl life-changing pearls of wisdom. Our favourite gems? “You look great with a fringe”, “There’s more fish in the sea” and “Just get an overdraft”.

Don't forget to go and enter this week's Caption My Freak Photo #11 by clicking HERE

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