Getting Back in the Coitus Maximus Saddle. Yeeeeehaw!

After you’ve had a couple of kids it is quite common for your sex drive to take a nose dive. This can be remedied in various ways, so you needn’t despair. For example, you may want to consider an increasingly popular trend that is to invest in sex toys such as vibrating hand held devices or things slightly less adventurous such as flavoured lubricant. It is difficult to resist the temptation with some of the best sex toys almost guaranteeing The Big O. This is not sales speak either, they genuinely work!

Before kids, when the urge and opportunity arose, you were bonking like rabbits, but it’s hard to be spontaneous when there are more than two peoples’ timetables to consider and wee people's leering eyes peeping around every corner.

One of the most common bits of advice is to schedule time, but this is easier said than done because most women can’t just “turn it on” at a certain time. Men can become a pain in the arsky when you schedule a time for some romance and then their lover isn’t in the mood. They don’t understand that women can’t just get a hard on and go for it, and will be frustrated if they feel they have been promised something that then isn’t delivered.

One way to counteract this is to try getting into the mood by letting your imagination go wild before the anticipated event. Fantasy is a key part of foreplay and you can use your imagination at anytime. It also livens up the most boring tasks you end up having to do once you become a mother. Hanging out the washing whilst dreaming of what you and your lover will be getting up to later can turn a chore into a treat. This will also help you to ignore the temptation to get on top of all of the jobs you have been putting off rather than on top of your husband.

If you have small kids there is always the telly to “baby sit” them while you enjoy a quickie, but then you are listening with one ear for the pitter patter of feet down the hall or calls for "Muuuuuum!". This can be off putting, but as long as you have the door firmly shut and LOCKED and they are involved in their program you should be able to get away with it. Just make sure it is a quickie! It might be a good idea to use one of your quieter sex toys as it will be difficult to explain away the unusual sounds coming from mummy and daddy’s room!

However you organise or manage your time, make sure you don’t forget the importance of maintaining your sex life as it will solidify your and your partner’s relationship and you will both be stronger because of it.

Soccer World Cup Letter

Dear Husband/Partner/ Boyfriend/Significant Other …

Between 11 June and 11 July 2010, a little birdie has told me that something is going on in the World of Soccer. Although I pride myself in trying to take an interest in the things that interest you,  it is becoming increasingly apparent that you seem to be labouring under the misapprehension that these dates entitle you to special manly treatment.

It seems you are planning to …

Claim sole ownership of our family TV, arranging braai's with your mates based on who is playing who and refusing to attend any family functions during this period, without a vuvuzela?

Let me put you straight …

I would like you to remember that when we got together, the rules were made clear.  I allow you to think you’re the boss in our house because it suits me, but the consequences of your behaviour during this period do need to be addressed.

Some loving guidelines for World Cup month …

Here are a few loving guidelines regarding World Cup Month which will ensure that our life, as we know it, continues in the blissfully harmonious manner, for which I have sulked, threatened, bargained and withheld sexual favours, of these past few years.

1. The World Cup is for one month only

One month, every four years, which could seriously affect the rest of your life. Any attempts to commandeer the remote control, paint the house green and yellow or get out of any Parent/Teacher meetings during this period using the words “but there is a game on” will be considered a serious breach of contract and will be handled accordingly. Penalty?  No blow jobs!

2. You will, at all times, be considerate of the other members of the household

Who have absolutely no idea who Christiano Ronaldo is (well I do - Soccer Hottie - what team does he play for again?) , by being happy to explain to them if they are at all interested, the offside rule, what a referee does and what a red card means. With patience. Any slight show of irritability during these times that may become apparent will be landed with a penalty!  No sex unless you look like Christiano Ronaldo!

3. Of course we’re being considerate of your feelings …

Please, if we see you are upset because your team is losing and we say “get over it, it’s only a game” or “they might win next time” that is because it IS only a game and can in no way be considered as important as going to see the new Sex in the City movie. Besides, at least we are showing interest. And consideration for your feelings.  At the first sign of a protruding bottom lip … the penalty will be … no blow jobs!

4. Friends and the game on TV

If your hooligan friends come over to watch a game because their own wives have put their foot down about watching at their house, expect us to walk around with long faces.  The fridge will not be stocked with beers and snacky nibbly bits unless provided by the beer fairy.  We do not entertain the louts during the rest of the year, why should this be any different. No sex at least until they all go home.

5. World Cup action replays

Do not get mad if you accidentally get distracted during an important goal by the baby falling on the floor or the house burning down.  These are important family matters and need to be addressed immediately.  Besides there are always replays. Apparently hundreds of them. You can watch them later. After we’ve had sex.

6.  Neglect us - at your peril

Pretending you are blind, deaf and mute during a game is not considered acceptable couple behaviour and will result in a stream of unrelated-to-soccer conversation that will require your due participation.  Show just the slightest inclination of not noticing we’ve had our hair done or that we’re standing in front of you totally naked will result in the penalty.  No sex (for you, anyway). 

Viva Soccer World Cup!