Sex is like air. It's not important until you aren't getting any.

This is a re-post of a very old post that I drafted a couple days after I posted it.  I'm not sure why I drafted it so here it is again.

Are you ready to juice things up a little?  Are you an ‘aeroplane blonde’? Are you a fan of the ‘sixty-niner’? If these and other terms have mystified you, here’s a quick guide to the funny world of sexual slang.....

Booty call - a late night summons, often made via telephone, to arrange clandestine sexual liaisons on an ad hoc basis.

AC/DC - bisexual.

Dogging - having or observing exhibitionist sex in a public place, usually outdoors.

Sixty Niner - simultaneous oral sex with your partner, so called as the digits.  69 are a graphic representation of this configuration.

Around the world - the act of kissing your partner’s entire body as a prelude to nooky.


Back door - another term for butt, bum or backside; going in the ‘back door’ aka bottom sex.


Bagging it - wearing a condom during intercourse, as opposed to ...


Barebacking - unprotected sex.


Finger - to stimulate a woman’s genitals using the fingers.


Wet dream - an erotic dream that leads to ejaculation during sleep.


Necking - Making out involving heavy kissing of the neck or petting of that area.


Muff diving - giving a woman oral sex.


Load - semen or ejaculate (as in, to shoot one’s load).  The Money Shot.


Blue balls - an uncomfortable experience for a man who desperately needs to experience an orgasm but finds no relief.


Blow job/giving head - the act of giving a man fellatio or oral sex.


Hand job - stimulating a partner manually to orgasm.  Two bob for a hand job?


Shag - to have sexual intercourse.


Family jewels - his testicles.


Golden shower - urinating on a partner as part of sex play.


Jail bait - a sex partner who is under the age of 18.


S/M or S and M - sadism and masochism. Getting sexual pleasure from consensual sex
power play that involves either inflicting pain on a person or experiencing pain oneself.


Rimming - stimulating the anus externally with a tongue.

Swinging - arranging to have sex with other couples, either one-on-one or group sex.

Frottage - When two people rub their bodies together for sexual pleasure; also known as dry humping.

Aeroplane blonde - a woman with bleached blonde hair but who still has a wee ‘black box’ down under.

Getting Back in the Coitus Maximus Saddle. Yeeeeehaw!

After you’ve had a couple of kids it is quite common for your sex drive to take a nose dive. This can be remedied in various ways, so you needn’t despair. For example, you may want to consider an increasingly popular trend that is to invest in sex toys such as vibrating hand held devices or things slightly less adventurous such as flavoured lubricant. It is difficult to resist the temptation with some of the best sex toys almost guaranteeing The Big O. This is not sales speak either, they genuinely work!

Before kids, when the urge and opportunity arose, you were bonking like rabbits, but it’s hard to be spontaneous when there are more than two peoples’ timetables to consider and wee people's leering eyes peeping around every corner.

One of the most common bits of advice is to schedule time, but this is easier said than done because most women can’t just “turn it on” at a certain time. Men can become a pain in the arsky when you schedule a time for some romance and then their lover isn’t in the mood. They don’t understand that women can’t just get a hard on and go for it, and will be frustrated if they feel they have been promised something that then isn’t delivered.

One way to counteract this is to try getting into the mood by letting your imagination go wild before the anticipated event. Fantasy is a key part of foreplay and you can use your imagination at anytime. It also livens up the most boring tasks you end up having to do once you become a mother. Hanging out the washing whilst dreaming of what you and your lover will be getting up to later can turn a chore into a treat. This will also help you to ignore the temptation to get on top of all of the jobs you have been putting off rather than on top of your husband.

If you have small kids there is always the telly to “baby sit” them while you enjoy a quickie, but then you are listening with one ear for the pitter patter of feet down the hall or calls for "Muuuuuum!". This can be off putting, but as long as you have the door firmly shut and LOCKED and they are involved in their program you should be able to get away with it. Just make sure it is a quickie! It might be a good idea to use one of your quieter sex toys as it will be difficult to explain away the unusual sounds coming from mummy and daddy’s room!

However you organise or manage your time, make sure you don’t forget the importance of maintaining your sex life as it will solidify your and your partner’s relationship and you will both be stronger because of it.

New Sex School opens in Austria

The Austrian International School of Sex is now open!

The opening was announced by the headmistress of the school, Ylva Maria Thompson. The vision of the school, according to Thompson, is to teach people how to be better lovers. She goes on to say that people spend time and money on training their mind, muscles, and fitness, but do not spend enough effort on developing their love-making skills. This is precisely what the sex school hopes to address.
Curious to know more? Well, all we know for now is that the school plans to provide theoretical and practical training.  Theory I hear you say?  Och aye...courses such as the history of sex and modern sexual theory will be taught. A major truck load of the course, however, will be ‘hands-on’.

An entire semseter at the school consists of five full-term and three special intensive courses. The cost for a semester is €1,400 which is roughly $1,850 or R14 000.  Can you say WTF?  The first batch is due to start this month and the class has already been filled up.  Register HERE. 

According to the school’s website, classes will take place at an 18^th century mansion - sexy - which is about a half-hour drive from Vienna. The mansion has been redecorated to suit the needs of the school and is equipped with high-tech teaching rooms.  I bet you they'll have one or two sex chairs hidden in a candlelit corner. 

Prospective pupils can breathe an orgasmic sigh of relief, because unlike most other learning institutions, the newly established Austrian International Sex School in Vienna plans to keep their curriculum applied, instead of academic.

"Our core education is not theoretical, but very practical. The emphasis is on how to be a better lover", declared the school head, adding that “sexual positions, caressing techniques, anatomical features” will all form part of the course syllabus.

So how does one get in?

• You have to be 16 and over.
• You have to be rich.
• You have to be prepared to live in a co-ed dormitory, where naturally, you will be required to practice your ‘homework’.

Visit their Facebook Page HERE

On the 9th Day of Christmas...

On the 9th Day of Christmas my true love sent to me....


...Nine Ladies Dancing.

But unless they are either Vintage French Can-Can dancers, or So You Think You Can Dance contestants, I'm not really interested.  SYTYCD season is far from starting and I'm a kazillion miles from France to see real kick arse Can-Can dancers...

So, I'll just compromise and go for 9 inch vibrating dildo.  Oh I know, the 9 inch variety are always a little extra and pretty pricey but its worth the additional dollars for the additional inches.  Bigger is better, right?

Firstly, I can always get the Chinky knock off, right?  And, secondly, if #5 on my 12 Days of Christmas List comes to fruition, I will have something to go along with the 9 inch member.

Adult toys are fabulous accessory and I have a few but lately my stash has been drastically dwindling because I am rather careless with my sex toys.  I don't look after them as I should....so I think its time for a new one.  This Frosty Purple Monster even has a frikken strobe light!  How festive is that?  It would look BANGIN in my Christmas stocking - and its waterproof! 

Sorted!

A Daft Scots Lass' 12 Days of Christmas song grows :

9 Inch Vibrating Dildo
8 Shots of Botox
7 Priceless Plonkers
6 Penguin Biscuits
5 Gigs of Porn
4 Liverpool Blokes
3 Brontë Sisters
2 Jimmy Choos
And Jamie Oliver's Satay Chicken on a Stick!

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator!

Guys love being surprised with hot, urgent sex that doesn't always involve a long stretch of foreplay beforehand. They also love it when their partner initiates sex for a change as it makes them feel desired.

To keep sex exciting and unpredictable, plan a regular passionate quickie with him - and it doesn't have to be at home. Surprise him at the office or in the car. Take him for a walk in a forest or pop down to the beach without letting him know what's on your mind.

Get yourself excited and ready for sex. 

Think about what you're going to do to him and imagine how it's going to feel for you.  If you know what your arousal triggers are, use these.  Some favourite ones are looking at or reading porn, playing with sex toys, sending dirty emails or sexting telling him what you'd like to do to him or even phone sex.

When you have him right where you want him, make it passionate and urgent. Grab him, feel him up and let him see his favourite bits of you naked. 

Don't bother taking off all your clothes - just enough to allow access. Bite his neck, kiss passionately and deeply, writhe against him. Then just before he enters you, pull away.  

Lock your eyes on his, breathe hungrily, let his eyes run over your naked nipples, thighs and crotch and then slam your bodies together for a wild ride. 

Yeeeeehaaaw!