Thursday, 15 October 2009

My Recent Epiphany




Over the past few weeks I have been thinking - LOTS!

I realised why loads of people are reluctant to open up and share their feelings. I was thinking of how some people just shut you out no matter how hard you try.

I realise that no one wants to appear vulnerable because they don’t want to get hurt. Being hurt is awful. No, it’s not awful, its fucking awful.

I’ve been there for many years – not revealing my true feelings, not opening up completely for the fear of being hurt but....
and here’s the BIG epiphany BUT....

I realised this:

Exactly how much of a satisfied and content life can we experience, if we build all these walls around ourselves and put on our best poker face?

We can’t live in the past; we can’t live filled with regret and bitterness.

Most of us have been hurt at least ONCE in our lifetime. I’m not talking about someone calling you a “Biatch-Ho!” and a single tear trickles down your cheek, kind of hurt. I’m talking about the change-your-life kind of hurt.

Which made me remember “The Ugly Cry”.

The uncontrollable sobbing when your face looks like a piece of battered meat by the end of it all. The snot running down to your top lip, endless tears in your swollen eyes and a headache from ‘hucking back ‘ the snot. It’s ugly and it’s definitely NOT for sissies.

I’m talking about the kind of hurt that shatters your entire soul. When someone betrays you so badly that it feels like your heart has been ruptured from your chest and someone is hopping on top on it with heavy-duty pogo stick - over and over again.

I’m talking about the kind of hurt that lasts for a lifetime and just thinking about it, even years later, makes you weep all over again.

I realised that even though previous hurts are forgiven, but not forgotten, I still need to take the risk. I want to leap into the unknown and play open cards and wear my heart on my sleeve again.

I’m at the point in my life where I have started being entirely honest with myself and the people in my life. Honest about my feelings, honest about what’s truly in my heart.

This is the only way I’m going to have that anxiety-free contentment in all my relationships. It’s the only way that I will experience true connections.

How can you expect someone to give everything to you, when you’re only giving half. Right?

Has it only taken me nearly 20 years to realise this?

Well, yes.

It may not seem like an epiphany to anyone else, but to me this is a BIG DEAL.

Poker-face is soooooo last season.



5 comments:

Tanya said...

Gill..this post hit home.

Nocturnal Queen said...

I know the hurt you describe all too well.

Blasé said...

Would someone please pass me a tissue...

Gillian said...

Oh Shurrup, Blase! Didn't you hear the violins playing in the background?

Janie said...

welcome to the realisation that comes to us only after 35 - the watershed !! happened to me at 36.

we have to go thru all the sh*t to gain THIS wisdom -

a life that's fulfilled and content comes simply AND ONLY from being true to yourself , and treating others the way we would like to be treated ourselves. (J. Henstock 2006)

or alternatively....

LIFE is like a tin of sardines...we're all squashed in together, and no matter how hard you try , there's always a wee bit left in the corner that you can't get out (hehehe)!!!

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