Friday, 16 October 2009

10 Things That Make Me Giggle About Porn

Trying to explain that you're actually reading an article about porn and not searching for porn on the interwebz is a difficult one, but I had to explain my thigh-slapping cackling to everyone.  The article is the whole truth and nothing much the truth and thats why it is so fucking funny...


1. They're real and they're spectacular...Not!


Why do most female porn stars have 44EE breasts, yet have like a size 5 waist? They look like mock caricatures of real women like those you'd see in a comic book, such as Wonder Women or Hooter Girl. I mean who is really born with beach balls on their chests? Imagine the back pain! Two fifty pound buoys pulling them forward. Oh, the gravity of it all. Poor Newton,  Just get removable rubber balls and fill them with Jell-O. Keep it real! I we want to see duo-Hindenburgs, I'll watch the Death Star in Star Wars or the planets in a planetarium.


2. Fake "Pleasure"


Why do female porn stars all start moaning as soon as, or sometimes before, the man actually begins the deed? First, she's just sitting there without an expression on her face and then, in the spark of an instant, she's screaming, moaning, thrashing around like a Glow-worm on speed.  Good lord, if all women did this, who would need porn? Nerds would become Casanovian gods.


3. CAN'T HEAR IT!!!


Why do male and female porn stars yell so loud throughout the whole damn video? If it were real, the neighbors would call the cops in seconds, thinking someone was getting murdered or having an epileptic fit. If I were the guy and the girl yelled like that in my ear, I'd be like "OH SHUT UP, AT LEAST WAIT UNTIL I PUT THE COTTON BALLS IN MY EARS WOMAN!!" If I wanted my ear drums broken, I'd sit next to the speakers at a MegaDeath concert.


4. Mozart's Music


What is up with the awful plinky-plonk music? It's usually dumb disco lounge music. If that's the best soundtrack you can get, DON'T USE IT! Silent's better than that awful cacophony! If I want disco, I'll watch John Travolta's Staying Alive!


5. Shakespearean Stories


There is never a story! Girl orders pizza, pizza dude knocks on the door, she greets him inside, "oh wait, I left my money in the bedroom!" he sits, and she returns in a negligee. *cue the Travolta music* And the deed begins!


Then there's the girl lying in a bikini on a beach chair, guy enters, "hey can you put lotion on my back". *cue the Travolta music* And the deed begins!


Going the opposite direction, we see a guy answering the door to see who's there at 9pm, he finds a Girl Scout who looks 25 and like she just stood on the corner of 7th and 8th street in the red light district, selling cookies. The guy asks "Are they made from real Girl Scouts?" "Why yes, Sir, with extra sugar."  Guy says wait there and he'll get his money, he returns to a half naked woman. *cue the Travolta music* And the deed begins!


And finally, a guy goes over to his friend's house, his friend's not there but his "mother", who looks the same age as the guy, is there. "Oh, sorry Billy, Bobby's not home. But you can stay here for a soda" "Oh sure thing Mrs. Robinson!" *cue the Travolta music* And the deed begins!


6. Very Realistic


This is related to No Story and Fake Pleasure but the whole atmosphere is unrealistic. Even the sets are so fake that you can wave your and through the wisps of smoke. You usually have one of two settings. A plain set with a white wall and bed. Dammit, you're blinding me!! The light people! Or a $10 million beach house on an isolated island with palm trees and waterfalls BORING!


For once, why can't porn be set in a realistic location. Places like Victoria's secret, a gas station, 7-11, Duncan Donuts or beside a Willie Dog cart?


7. Ingenious Titles


Porn videos have such ingenious titles. "Debbie Does Dallas." Such a riveting and lovely title! "One Night in Paris." Did Paris think of that herself? "Intercourse with a Vampire." Interview...Intercourse, get it? Ingenious!! I'd of been up all week thinking up that Einstein-caliber wit! "Pinocchio." If I need to explain that one, ya got more problems than porn!


8. Oscar Award-winning Acting


Man are porn stars ever great actors! I mean, damn, do you know how much talent it takes to get those "ooohs", "ahhhs", "mores", "who's your daddys" take mucho talent. Shakespeare would be proud! Plus all of those facial expressions that go the gauntlet from smiling like idiots, grimacing like constipated, opening her mouth in an "o" and other difficult facial expressions.


9. Great Camerawork


Wow, porn has such great camerawork! Everything looks more real than real. The way the shots go from side to side to catch different angles of the deed. And just when we find a great shot for us viewers to do our one-sided deed, the view changes!! NOOOO!! HOW DARE YOU!! Now we have to rebuild our excitement! We don't want to see the guy's big ol' butt, well, the ladies might.


Then there is the fade to another scene. One second they're doing the deed one way then POOF! they're doing the deed another! It's disconcerting and disorienting!! Add to that, sometimes they're doing the deed without protection then POOF! he's wearing a Trojan! Holy Condom, Batman! A magic condom! "Never fear, Robin, I keep a six pack of them in my utility belt" "Golly, gee, Batman, is there KY in there too? *wink*"


10. The Beautiful People


Why do most female porn stars look so good? Albeit, some look like plastic mannequins. But most of the male porn stars are scary looking, like seamen or truck driver pretty. Look at Ron Jeremy. Please, at least blur his face out! It's not that I care what the guy looks like but I want to see hers not his and if she's a rose, and he's a warty toad, it totally ruins the mood. Not to mention that it makes one have false hopes of us "regular" guys picking up hot models. Horrible!! It's just mean! Meanies!!

2 comments:

Mike Steelman said...

Love it!!!!

Blasé said...

hmmm, I need to check out this "porn" you are referring to...

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