On the 5th Day of Christmas my true love sent to me ...
....5 Gold Rings
Well, I have other rings...erm things in mind for MY 12 Days of Christmas. Oh yeah, you Plonkers know what I'm talking about. Good old fashioned filthy porn!
We couldn't....correction... I couldn't have 12 Happy Days of Christmas without a good fat chunk of porn.
Gosh, this wee song of mine has taken many twists and turns, hasn't it just indeed. Och aye, just the way I like it. It wouldn't have "A Daft Scots Lass" stamp of approval if there wasn't as wee bit of saucy shoved into the pie.
Hence, the song continues to flourish and mutate its own swagger...
"5 Gigs of Porn 4 Liverpool Blokes 3 Brontë Sisters 2 Jimmy Choos And Jamie Oliver's Satay Chicken on a Stick"
Here are 12 things you may wish you didn't know....
You touch 15 Cocks a Day!
Indirectly, but still. It's by touching things recently by someone who's just touched their junk. We're pretty grossed out at the thought of indirectly groping someone's cock, let alone 15! Every time you touch a doorknob just imagine how nmany knobs you're fondling! Not too different from fiving out wristies on Oxford Road...
Porn Doesn't Pay
Ever thought about quitting your desk job for a bed job? That in your next life you'd be making a killing mining for Marmite down the next Jenna Jameson's holiest of holeys? Forget it, Plonkers! Not only is it almost impossible for a straight bloke to get a break in the adult film industry, the slary male porn stars earn is positively pitiful. Still, STDs and living on the breadline aside, there's something to be said for nailing your dream job.
The Floating Island of Crap
The Great Pacific Garbage Patch is almost half the size of South Africa! The world's largest landfill is completely unregulated, an island of plastic bottles, busted computers, manky toothbrushes and used connies. And its there to stay. Blah!
The Interwebz Never Forgets
Everything you've ever posted online is still there, somewhere, in the formless cornucopia of bits, bytes and feeds on the net. Google can rat you out if the authorities ask for your info!
You're Taxed to the Max
Up to 60% of what you earn goes to the government. That's tax on your salary, 14% VAT, carbon tax, tax on petrol and the e-toll system, which could chow R1000 a month if you commute between Jozi and Tswane! The NHI is coming and as if that isn't enough, a one per cent tax has also been propsed to keep your favourite state broadcaster afloat. And that on top of a fucking recession!
What Polony is really made of
The manufactuerers claim there's nothing substandard about he meat they use but when you're munching on that slimy pink tube, you're eating everthing they can't use in other products, ears, eyes, snouts and even testicles - all minced together and set in a fatty jelly made by boiling a pig's head. YUMMERZ!
Shite in yer Nose
You don't smell anything with out molecules binding to your olfactory receptors, so next time you're exposed to anal acoustics in a crowded lift know that you're ingesting little particles of poop. When you flush a toilet, faecal matter is flung up six meters from the bowl, so chips your toothbrush! And all air freshener does is mask the methane - shite that smells like lavender is still shite - just more insidious.
I See Stupid People
A staggering 41% of Yanks believe the rapture will happen by 2050. Yes, almost half the population of what's still Earth's most powerful country are convinced that soon the faithful will be spirited away while they're sleeping, stuck in traffic or molesting altar boys. These are the same people who aren't sold on global warming, probably because they think they'll be gone before the fallout.
Piracy Police are Pending
You've been scavenging the interwebz for everything your cap allows since you first learnt an mp3 isn't a form you have to submit to SARS. But soon you may have to settle for what you've already managed to plunder. Copyright companies in the US and UK have teamed up with service providers to monitor usage and South Africa looks set ot join the piracy pooping. Downloading the latest Dexter might have Big Brother knocking at yer door.
Childbirth is Horrific
The miracle of life is also on of its biggest horrors. Most men just don't have the stomach to handle the lumpy, blood-soaked terror that emergest from your lady's lovely Love Garden after your baby comes out or the turd she's bound to let slip as she's pushing out your progeny. Add to that vaginal tearing and the manky placenta and you'll have to work hard to view her as sexy again!
Planes carry minimal fuel
As if breathing the same air as that Asian couple wearing masks over their mouths for 12 hours isn't enough to make you want to bring your own oxygen tank, aerooplanes carry just enough fuel to get your there. next time you need to make a detour, hoe its not a major one.
Glee is more successful than The King
The tune-spouting troupe from Fox's hit TV show have had more Billboard Hot 100 hits than Elvis Presley! I shite you not. Now on in its third season and pumping out an average of five power-pop rehashes an episode, expect these adolescent dethroners to leave The King's previous record of 108 entries in a trite trail of synth and slick productions.
Put that in yer pipe 'n smoke it!
Do you know of some other facts of life that are better left obsure?
eTV,
through its pay - TV subsidiary e.Sat, will launch South Africa’s first
adult entertainment channel on the DStv platform
Earlier this year reports emerged
that MultiChoice was considering adding ‘adult content’
to its DStv offerings. Jackie Rakitla, MultiChoice’s GM of
Corporate Affairs, said at the time that MultiChoice has been inundated
with requests to provide adult content on DStv over the last few months.
MultiChoice then conducted research to establish the extent of the
interest in adult content and the feasibility of introducing such a
service, but after a backlash from
the public decided to scrap the idea.
In early March, MultiChoice said that their research indicated that a
significant portion of DStv subscribers are against adult channels,
while some are indifferent to it and another significant section
positive.
“It was unfortunate that the research conducted was misinterpreted by
some people to mean that a decision was made to introduce an adult
content channel on our bouquets,” said Nolo Letele, Group CEO of
MultiChoice South Africa.
Porn channel from e.Sat
In December 2007 – soon after being announced as one of South
Africa’s newly licensed pay-TV operators - e.Sat, the sister business to
free-to-air television channel eTV, said that it will initiate a
multi-channel strategy and in 2008 launched South Africa's first
independent 24-hour television news service on MultiChoice's DStv
platform.
eTV/e.Sat has now surprised the market with the announcement that its
second product will be an adult entertainment channel to be offered on
the DStv platform.
The new 24-hour adult channel planned by e.Sat will only be available
to DStv premium subscribers as a ‘bolt-on’ package, and will not appear
on any standard DStv bouquets.
The price for the bolt-on adult channel is not yet known, but an
e.Sat spokesperson said that the subscription is likely to be in the
region or R50 per month.
eTV has become well known for its late night adult movies on its eTV
free-to-air channel, and according to the company the popularity of
these movies clearly indicate that there is a demand for adult content
on television in South Africa.
According to e.Sat adult content manager Jeremy Sloof the channel
will be commercially available from mid 2010, and will feature content
from respected adult entertainment companies like Playboy, Hustler and Vivid.
More information about the e.Sat adult channel and the programs that
will be featured is available here.
Trying to explain that you're actually reading an article about porn and not searching for porn on the interwebz is a difficult one, but I had to explain my thigh-slapping cackling to everyone. The article is the whole truth and nothing much the truth and thats why it is so fucking funny...
1. They're real and they're spectacular...Not!
Why do most female porn stars have 44EE breasts, yet have like a size 5 waist? They look like mock caricatures of real women like those you'd see in a comic book, such as Wonder Women or Hooter Girl. I mean who is really born with beach balls on their chests? Imagine the back pain! Two fifty pound buoys pulling them forward. Oh, the gravity of it all. Poor Newton, Just get removable rubber balls and fill them with Jell-O. Keep it real! I we want to see duo-Hindenburgs, I'll watch the Death Star in Star Wars or the planets in a planetarium.
2. Fake "Pleasure"
Why do female porn stars all start moaning as soon as, or sometimes before, the man actually begins the deed? First, she's just sitting there without an expression on her face and then, in the spark of an instant, she's screaming, moaning, thrashing around like a Glow-worm on speed. Good lord, if all women did this, who would need porn? Nerds would become Casanovian gods.
3. CAN'T HEAR IT!!!
Why do male and female porn stars yell so loud throughout the whole damn video? If it were real, the neighbors would call the cops in seconds, thinking someone was getting murdered or having an epileptic fit. If I were the guy and the girl yelled like that in my ear, I'd be like "OH SHUT UP, AT LEAST WAIT UNTIL I PUT THE COTTON BALLS IN MY EARS WOMAN!!" If I wanted my ear drums broken, I'd sit next to the speakers at a MegaDeath concert.
4. Mozart's Music
What is up with the awful plinky-plonk music? It's usually dumb disco lounge music. If that's the best soundtrack you can get, DON'T USE IT! Silent's better than that awful cacophony! If I want disco, I'll watch John Travolta's Staying Alive!
5. Shakespearean Stories
There is never a story! Girl orders pizza, pizza dude knocks on the door, she greets him inside, "oh wait, I left my money in the bedroom!" he sits, and she returns in a negligee. *cue the Travolta music* And the deed begins!
Then there's the girl lying in a bikini on a beach chair, guy enters, "hey can you put lotion on my back". *cue the Travolta music* And the deed begins!
Going the opposite direction, we see a guy answering the door to see who's there at 9pm, he finds a Girl Scout who looks 25 and like she just stood on the corner of 7th and 8th street in the red light district, selling cookies. The guy asks "Are they made from real Girl Scouts?" "Why yes, Sir, with extra sugar." Guy says wait there and he'll get his money, he returns to a half naked woman. *cue the Travolta music* And the deed begins!
And finally, a guy goes over to his friend's house, his friend's not there but his "mother", who looks the same age as the guy, is there. "Oh, sorry Billy, Bobby's not home. But you can stay here for a soda" "Oh sure thing Mrs. Robinson!" *cue the Travolta music* And the deed begins!
6. Very Realistic
This is related to No Story and Fake Pleasure but the whole atmosphere is unrealistic. Even the sets are so fake that you can wave your and through the wisps of smoke. You usually have one of two settings. A plain set with a white wall and bed. Dammit, you're blinding me!! The light people! Or a $10 million beach house on an isolated island with palm trees and waterfalls BORING!
For once, why can't porn be set in a realistic location. Places like Victoria's secret, a gas station, 7-11, Duncan Donuts or beside a Willie Dog cart?
7. Ingenious Titles
Porn videos have such ingenious titles. "Debbie Does Dallas." Such a riveting and lovely title! "One Night in Paris." Did Paris think of that herself? "Intercourse with a Vampire." Interview...Intercourse, get it? Ingenious!! I'd of been up all week thinking up that Einstein-caliber wit! "Pinocchio." If I need to explain that one, ya got more problems than porn!
8. Oscar Award-winning Acting
Man are porn stars ever great actors! I mean, damn, do you know how much talent it takes to get those "ooohs", "ahhhs", "mores", "who's your daddys" take mucho talent. Shakespeare would be proud! Plus all of those facial expressions that go the gauntlet from smiling like idiots, grimacing like constipated, opening her mouth in an "o" and other difficult facial expressions.
9. Great Camerawork
Wow, porn has such great camerawork! Everything looks more real than real. The way the shots go from side to side to catch different angles of the deed. And just when we find a great shot for us viewers to do our one-sided deed, the view changes!! NOOOO!! HOW DARE YOU!! Now we have to rebuild our excitement! We don't want to see the guy's big ol' butt, well, the ladies might.
Then there is the fade to another scene. One second they're doing the deed one way then POOF! they're doing the deed another! It's disconcerting and disorienting!! Add to that, sometimes they're doing the deed without protection then POOF! he's wearing a Trojan! Holy Condom, Batman! A magic condom! "Never fear, Robin, I keep a six pack of them in my utility belt" "Golly, gee, Batman, is there KY in there too? *wink*"
10. The Beautiful People
Why do most female porn stars look so good? Albeit, some look like plastic mannequins. But most of the male porn stars are scary looking, like seamen or truck driver pretty. Look at Ron Jeremy. Please, at least blur his face out! It's not that I care what the guy looks like but I want to see hers not his and if she's a rose, and he's a warty toad, it totally ruins the mood. Not to mention that it makes one have false hopes of us "regular" guys picking up hot models. Horrible!! It's just mean! Meanies!!
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