How to Fondle the Proxy Penis

Happy Wednezday, Plonkers...

Here are 12 things you may wish you didn't know....

You touch 15 Cocks a Day!

Indirectly, but still.  It's by touching things recently by someone who's just touched their junk.  We're pretty grossed out at the thought of indirectly groping someone's cock, let alone 15!  Every time you touch a doorknob just imagine how nmany knobs you're fondling!  Not too different from fiving out wristies on Oxford Road...


Porn Doesn't Pay

Ever thought about quitting your desk job for a bed job?  That in your next life you'd be making a killing mining for Marmite down the next Jenna Jameson's holiest of holeys?  Forget it, Plonkers!  Not only is it almost impossible for a straight bloke to get a break in the adult film industry, the slary male porn stars earn is positively pitiful.  Still, STDs and living on the breadline aside, there's something to be said for nailing your dream job.


The Floating Island of Crap

The Great Pacific Garbage Patch is almost half the size of South Africa!  The world's largest landfill is completely unregulated, an island of plastic bottles, busted computers, manky toothbrushes and used connies.  And its there to stay.  Blah!


The Interwebz Never Forgets

Everything you've ever posted online is still there, somewhere, in the formless cornucopia of bits, bytes and feeds on the net.  Google can rat you out if the authorities ask for your info!


You're Taxed to the Max

Up to 60% of what you earn goes to the government.  That's tax on your salary, 14% VAT, carbon tax, tax on petrol and the e-toll system, which could chow R1000 a month if you commute between Jozi and Tswane!  The NHI is coming and as if that isn't enough, a one per cent tax has also been propsed to keep your favourite state broadcaster afloat.  And that on top of a fucking recession!


What Polony is really made of

The manufactuerers claim there's nothing substandard about he meat they use but when you're munching on that slimy pink tube, you're eating everthing they can't use in other products, ears, eyes, snouts and even testicles - all minced together and set in a fatty jelly made by boiling a pig's head.  YUMMERZ!

Shite in yer Nose

You don't smell anything with
out molecules binding to your olfactory receptors, so next time you're exposed to anal acoustics in a crowded lift know that you're ingesting little particles of poop.  When you flush a toilet, faecal matter is flung up six meters from the bowl, so chips your toothbrush!  And all air freshener does is mask the methane - shite that smells like lavender is still shite - just more insidious.


I See Stupid People

A staggering 41% of Yanks believe the rapture will happen by 2050.  Yes, almost half the population of what's still Earth's most powerful country are convinced that soon the faithful will be spirited away while they're sleeping, stuck in traffic or molesting altar boys.  These are the same people who aren't sold on global warming, probably because they think they'll be gone before the fallout.


Piracy Police are Pending

You've been scavenging the interwebz for everything your cap allows since you first learnt an mp3 isn't a form you have to submit to SARS.  But soon you may have to settle for what you've already managed to plunder.  Copyright companies in the US and UK have teamed up with service providers to monitor usage and South Africa looks set ot join the piracy pooping.  Downloading the latest Dexter might have Big Brother knocking at yer door.


Childbirth is Horrific

The miracle of life is also on of its biggest horrors.  Most men just don't have the stomach to handle the lumpy, blood-soaked terror that emergest from your lady's lovely Love Garden after your baby comes out or the turd she's bound to let slip as she's pushing out your progeny.  Add to that vaginal tearing and the manky placenta and you'll have to work hard to view her as sexy again!


Planes carry minimal fuel

As if breathing the same air as that Asian couple wearing masks over their mouths for 12 hours isn't enough to make you want to bring  your own oxygen tank, aerooplanes carry just enough fuel to get your there.  next time you need to make a detour, hoe its not a major one.

Glee is more successful than The King

The tune-spouting troupe from Fox's hit TV show have had more Billboard Hot 100 hits than Elvis Presley!  I shite you not.  Now on in its third season and pumping out an average of five power-pop rehashes an episode, expect these adolescent dethroners to leave The King's previous record of 108 entries in a trite trail of synth and slick productions.

Put that in yer pipe 'n smoke it!  

Do you know of some other facts of life that are better left obsure?

Freaky Friday - Broken Penis

You Broke Your What?!  Your Penis?  Oh wait, you broke a Record?

With an estimated 120 million people fucking every day its no wonder some people don’t want vanilla sex only.  But you have to take things to a whole new level if you want to make it into the record books.  Some of these sex-related records are pretty mild, some are fucking strange and some and downright daft.  

Longest Kiss

The Winners: James Belshaw and Sophia Severin from the UK. The Record:  In 2005, Belshaw and Severin kissed nonstop for 31 hours, 30 minutes and 30 seconds at The Plaza Shopping Centre in London.  The couple weren’t allowed to fall asleep – or even sit.  They had to drink through a straw without stopping sucking face and even kept at it when going to the loo.  Who wants to take a duce while you're kissing?!  Pass.

Largest Natural Breasts

The Winner:  Annie Hawkins-Turner from the US (stage name Norma Stitz – a play on ‘normous tits’

The Record: She’s held the Guiness World Record for the biggest tits since 1999 – when each of them weighed 12.7kg and her bra size was 48V.  She cashed in by appearing in men’s magazines and making porn films.  Since then her jugs have increase in value – and in size : she’s put on weight and now wears a 72ZZZZ bra.

Biggest Penis

The winner: Jonah Cardeli Falcon from the US.

The Record:  Size does not matter when you have the largest penis in the world.  Falcon, 39, is a New Yorker with a 24.13cm penis – when its flaccid.  When he gets excited, it’s a scary 34.29cm. 


Falcon hasn’t had a relationship in 12 years.  Wonder why? #CockadoodledooMe.

Strongest Vagina

The Winner:  Tatiata Kozhevnikova from Russia.

The Record: Kozhevnikova can lift 14kg with her vagina (don’t fucking ask).  She’s been training her vaginal muscles for 15 years because she was convinced they were weak after she had a baby.  She recommends five minutes of Kegel exercises every day so you can enjoy sexual pleasure (and take up vaginal weightlifting)?

Longest  Time Spent Masturbating by a Woman

The Winner:  Kitty Kat from the US

The Record: Kitty Kat masturbated continuously for seven hours and six minutes at the 2008 San Francisco Masturbate-A-Thon.  The 28 year old erotic masseuse wore pink cat ears and masturbated with dildos, a vibrating five-fingered glove and a sex machine, and had an orgasm approximately once an hour.  Can you say Fanny Frayed?

Longest Time Spent Masturbating by a Man

The Winner: Masanobu Sato from Japan.

The Record: Sato became the masturbating champ of the world after he went at it continuously for nine hours and 58 minutes at the 2009 San Francisco Masturbate-A-Thon.  He works for a company that makes artificial pussies,  yeah thats right, fake Love Rugs!

Furthest Ejaculation

The Winner:  Horst Schultz from the US.

The Record: Shultz has he charming record of his seme travelling 5,71m (Reportedly as substantial amount managed to go the distance).  The record for female ejaculation is said to be three metres but no-one has named the talented squirter.

Most Sexual Partners in a Day

The Winners (or Losers): Jon Dough and Houston, US porn stars.

The Record: Dough was supposed to sleep with 101 women in one day, but only “managed” to do 52 of them.  Houston had sex with 620 men in one day – the average session with each man last about 58 seconds.

Largest  Orgy

The winner:  Japan

The Record: A total of 250 couples (500 bodies) came together to set this record.  The event took place in a warehouse and was recorded for the world to see.  In true Jap style it was perfectly co-ordinated – each sex act and position was choreographed.  You can even purchase the fucking DVD for only $40

10 Things That Make Me Giggle About Porn

Trying to explain that you're actually reading an article about porn and not searching for porn on the interwebz is a difficult one, but I had to explain my thigh-slapping cackling to everyone.  The article is the whole truth and nothing much the truth and thats why it is so fucking funny...


1. They're real and they're spectacular...Not!


Why do most female porn stars have 44EE breasts, yet have like a size 5 waist? They look like mock caricatures of real women like those you'd see in a comic book, such as Wonder Women or Hooter Girl. I mean who is really born with beach balls on their chests? Imagine the back pain! Two fifty pound buoys pulling them forward. Oh, the gravity of it all. Poor Newton,  Just get removable rubber balls and fill them with Jell-O. Keep it real! I we want to see duo-Hindenburgs, I'll watch the Death Star in Star Wars or the planets in a planetarium.


2. Fake "Pleasure"


Why do female porn stars all start moaning as soon as, or sometimes before, the man actually begins the deed? First, she's just sitting there without an expression on her face and then, in the spark of an instant, she's screaming, moaning, thrashing around like a Glow-worm on speed.  Good lord, if all women did this, who would need porn? Nerds would become Casanovian gods.


3. CAN'T HEAR IT!!!


Why do male and female porn stars yell so loud throughout the whole damn video? If it were real, the neighbors would call the cops in seconds, thinking someone was getting murdered or having an epileptic fit. If I were the guy and the girl yelled like that in my ear, I'd be like "OH SHUT UP, AT LEAST WAIT UNTIL I PUT THE COTTON BALLS IN MY EARS WOMAN!!" If I wanted my ear drums broken, I'd sit next to the speakers at a MegaDeath concert.


4. Mozart's Music


What is up with the awful plinky-plonk music? It's usually dumb disco lounge music. If that's the best soundtrack you can get, DON'T USE IT! Silent's better than that awful cacophony! If I want disco, I'll watch John Travolta's Staying Alive!


5. Shakespearean Stories


There is never a story! Girl orders pizza, pizza dude knocks on the door, she greets him inside, "oh wait, I left my money in the bedroom!" he sits, and she returns in a negligee. *cue the Travolta music* And the deed begins!


Then there's the girl lying in a bikini on a beach chair, guy enters, "hey can you put lotion on my back". *cue the Travolta music* And the deed begins!


Going the opposite direction, we see a guy answering the door to see who's there at 9pm, he finds a Girl Scout who looks 25 and like she just stood on the corner of 7th and 8th street in the red light district, selling cookies. The guy asks "Are they made from real Girl Scouts?" "Why yes, Sir, with extra sugar."  Guy says wait there and he'll get his money, he returns to a half naked woman. *cue the Travolta music* And the deed begins!


And finally, a guy goes over to his friend's house, his friend's not there but his "mother", who looks the same age as the guy, is there. "Oh, sorry Billy, Bobby's not home. But you can stay here for a soda" "Oh sure thing Mrs. Robinson!" *cue the Travolta music* And the deed begins!


6. Very Realistic


This is related to No Story and Fake Pleasure but the whole atmosphere is unrealistic. Even the sets are so fake that you can wave your and through the wisps of smoke. You usually have one of two settings. A plain set with a white wall and bed. Dammit, you're blinding me!! The light people! Or a $10 million beach house on an isolated island with palm trees and waterfalls BORING!


For once, why can't porn be set in a realistic location. Places like Victoria's secret, a gas station, 7-11, Duncan Donuts or beside a Willie Dog cart?


7. Ingenious Titles


Porn videos have such ingenious titles. "Debbie Does Dallas." Such a riveting and lovely title! "One Night in Paris." Did Paris think of that herself? "Intercourse with a Vampire." Interview...Intercourse, get it? Ingenious!! I'd of been up all week thinking up that Einstein-caliber wit! "Pinocchio." If I need to explain that one, ya got more problems than porn!


8. Oscar Award-winning Acting


Man are porn stars ever great actors! I mean, damn, do you know how much talent it takes to get those "ooohs", "ahhhs", "mores", "who's your daddys" take mucho talent. Shakespeare would be proud! Plus all of those facial expressions that go the gauntlet from smiling like idiots, grimacing like constipated, opening her mouth in an "o" and other difficult facial expressions.


9. Great Camerawork


Wow, porn has such great camerawork! Everything looks more real than real. The way the shots go from side to side to catch different angles of the deed. And just when we find a great shot for us viewers to do our one-sided deed, the view changes!! NOOOO!! HOW DARE YOU!! Now we have to rebuild our excitement! We don't want to see the guy's big ol' butt, well, the ladies might.


Then there is the fade to another scene. One second they're doing the deed one way then POOF! they're doing the deed another! It's disconcerting and disorienting!! Add to that, sometimes they're doing the deed without protection then POOF! he's wearing a Trojan! Holy Condom, Batman! A magic condom! "Never fear, Robin, I keep a six pack of them in my utility belt" "Golly, gee, Batman, is there KY in there too? *wink*"


10. The Beautiful People


Why do most female porn stars look so good? Albeit, some look like plastic mannequins. But most of the male porn stars are scary looking, like seamen or truck driver pretty. Look at Ron Jeremy. Please, at least blur his face out! It's not that I care what the guy looks like but I want to see hers not his and if she's a rose, and he's a warty toad, it totally ruins the mood. Not to mention that it makes one have false hopes of us "regular" guys picking up hot models. Horrible!! It's just mean! Meanies!!