Why is Emma's Fanny so BIG?

Right, before I start this post, I must warn all the blokes that I’m about to talk about periods.  Menstrual Cycles and such, so if you’re not up to it, don’t read, dudes.  Move away and clickit click on another post.

So, this morning I had to explain to my 9 year old daughter about menstruation. 

 

Wee Meg already has had the birds and the bees talk complete with this gesture to give her a visual of the process.  She giggled a lot when I told her but is now knowledgeable when it comes to sex, the methods, where everything goes and what the activity means. 

However, I did not tell her that time about menstruation and “becoming a lady” or should I rather say “becoming a PMS Bitch from Hell” (if she takes after her mum).

Here, is where I tell you HOW we managed to disembark on to the sensitive subject…because, frankly, I’m one of those mums who doesn’t schedule these talks.  I don’t have a agenda or calendar I follow for the talks of life and related  topics.    I just kinda wait for an opporchancity to present itself and then I dive straight in.  I don’t mince my words.  I tell it like it is, without being too crude or hard.  I am direct and make sure I get the point across.

Anyhoo, my 6 year old Kaylin was asking about the recent physical changes to our Emma-Pup.  Kaylin 

pointed to Emma’s private parts and yelled “Mum!  Why is Emma’s fanny so BIG?”. 

Of course I said “WHAT?!?”

And  immediately checked Emma’s personal puppy parts and low and behold, Emma’s fanny was all swollen and pink.  I also noticed that she was gingerly sitting off to one side and it looked like she was a little uncomfortable with all that substantial swelling.  I was completely caught off guard because she’s only about 9 months old! 

I didn’t know that puppies can go on heat for such an early age.  All the girl-pets we’ve every had were sterilized when they were only weeks old

Anyhoozer, I skitted over the subject with my 6 year old thinking it’s a wee bit too much for her to comprehend at the moment, but Megan was incredibly concerned.

I had to take her one side out of earshot of Kaylin’s radar ears  and explain to her in a wee bit more detail about Emma becoming a lady.  I had to explain about her menstrual cycle and that all girls go through it.  I told her your menstrual cycle is her passage into womanhood  and a sign of a healthy body. I explained about tampons and The Mooncup.

I thought I did an acceptable job because Megan curled her lip up and said “Eeeeew” a lot.  I guess she understood and it hit home. 

This got me thinking about when it happened to me for the first time.  I remember the day clear enough but I don’t actually remember my mum explaining to me about my periods before it happened, or after actually.  

It just kinda happened one day when I was about 13 and I thought I was fucking dying.  I kept wondering where all the blood was coming from and tried to recall where I’d hurt myself or fell. 

I remember Mum dispensing me a sanitary towel, told me what to do with it and that it will happen regularly from now on.  

I believe I wore the “Eeeeew” Face that day too, especially when my big sister called it a Surf Board.  She was so fucking gross.

How was your experience with your first period? 

Did you know all about it before it happened? 

What did your parent’s tell you?

10 Things That Make Me Giggle About Porn

Trying to explain that you're actually reading an article about porn and not searching for porn on the interwebz is a difficult one, but I had to explain my thigh-slapping cackling to everyone.  The article is the whole truth and nothing much the truth and thats why it is so fucking funny...


1. They're real and they're spectacular...Not!


Why do most female porn stars have 44EE breasts, yet have like a size 5 waist? They look like mock caricatures of real women like those you'd see in a comic book, such as Wonder Women or Hooter Girl. I mean who is really born with beach balls on their chests? Imagine the back pain! Two fifty pound buoys pulling them forward. Oh, the gravity of it all. Poor Newton,  Just get removable rubber balls and fill them with Jell-O. Keep it real! I we want to see duo-Hindenburgs, I'll watch the Death Star in Star Wars or the planets in a planetarium.


2. Fake "Pleasure"


Why do female porn stars all start moaning as soon as, or sometimes before, the man actually begins the deed? First, she's just sitting there without an expression on her face and then, in the spark of an instant, she's screaming, moaning, thrashing around like a Glow-worm on speed.  Good lord, if all women did this, who would need porn? Nerds would become Casanovian gods.


3. CAN'T HEAR IT!!!


Why do male and female porn stars yell so loud throughout the whole damn video? If it were real, the neighbors would call the cops in seconds, thinking someone was getting murdered or having an epileptic fit. If I were the guy and the girl yelled like that in my ear, I'd be like "OH SHUT UP, AT LEAST WAIT UNTIL I PUT THE COTTON BALLS IN MY EARS WOMAN!!" If I wanted my ear drums broken, I'd sit next to the speakers at a MegaDeath concert.


4. Mozart's Music


What is up with the awful plinky-plonk music? It's usually dumb disco lounge music. If that's the best soundtrack you can get, DON'T USE IT! Silent's better than that awful cacophony! If I want disco, I'll watch John Travolta's Staying Alive!


5. Shakespearean Stories


There is never a story! Girl orders pizza, pizza dude knocks on the door, she greets him inside, "oh wait, I left my money in the bedroom!" he sits, and she returns in a negligee. *cue the Travolta music* And the deed begins!


Then there's the girl lying in a bikini on a beach chair, guy enters, "hey can you put lotion on my back". *cue the Travolta music* And the deed begins!


Going the opposite direction, we see a guy answering the door to see who's there at 9pm, he finds a Girl Scout who looks 25 and like she just stood on the corner of 7th and 8th street in the red light district, selling cookies. The guy asks "Are they made from real Girl Scouts?" "Why yes, Sir, with extra sugar."  Guy says wait there and he'll get his money, he returns to a half naked woman. *cue the Travolta music* And the deed begins!


And finally, a guy goes over to his friend's house, his friend's not there but his "mother", who looks the same age as the guy, is there. "Oh, sorry Billy, Bobby's not home. But you can stay here for a soda" "Oh sure thing Mrs. Robinson!" *cue the Travolta music* And the deed begins!


6. Very Realistic


This is related to No Story and Fake Pleasure but the whole atmosphere is unrealistic. Even the sets are so fake that you can wave your and through the wisps of smoke. You usually have one of two settings. A plain set with a white wall and bed. Dammit, you're blinding me!! The light people! Or a $10 million beach house on an isolated island with palm trees and waterfalls BORING!


For once, why can't porn be set in a realistic location. Places like Victoria's secret, a gas station, 7-11, Duncan Donuts or beside a Willie Dog cart?


7. Ingenious Titles


Porn videos have such ingenious titles. "Debbie Does Dallas." Such a riveting and lovely title! "One Night in Paris." Did Paris think of that herself? "Intercourse with a Vampire." Interview...Intercourse, get it? Ingenious!! I'd of been up all week thinking up that Einstein-caliber wit! "Pinocchio." If I need to explain that one, ya got more problems than porn!


8. Oscar Award-winning Acting


Man are porn stars ever great actors! I mean, damn, do you know how much talent it takes to get those "ooohs", "ahhhs", "mores", "who's your daddys" take mucho talent. Shakespeare would be proud! Plus all of those facial expressions that go the gauntlet from smiling like idiots, grimacing like constipated, opening her mouth in an "o" and other difficult facial expressions.


9. Great Camerawork


Wow, porn has such great camerawork! Everything looks more real than real. The way the shots go from side to side to catch different angles of the deed. And just when we find a great shot for us viewers to do our one-sided deed, the view changes!! NOOOO!! HOW DARE YOU!! Now we have to rebuild our excitement! We don't want to see the guy's big ol' butt, well, the ladies might.


Then there is the fade to another scene. One second they're doing the deed one way then POOF! they're doing the deed another! It's disconcerting and disorienting!! Add to that, sometimes they're doing the deed without protection then POOF! he's wearing a Trojan! Holy Condom, Batman! A magic condom! "Never fear, Robin, I keep a six pack of them in my utility belt" "Golly, gee, Batman, is there KY in there too? *wink*"


10. The Beautiful People


Why do most female porn stars look so good? Albeit, some look like plastic mannequins. But most of the male porn stars are scary looking, like seamen or truck driver pretty. Look at Ron Jeremy. Please, at least blur his face out! It's not that I care what the guy looks like but I want to see hers not his and if she's a rose, and he's a warty toad, it totally ruins the mood. Not to mention that it makes one have false hopes of us "regular" guys picking up hot models. Horrible!! It's just mean! Meanies!!