Showing posts with label google. Show all posts
Showing posts with label google. Show all posts

Thursday, 12 June 2014

Are You Google? Because you're all I've been searching for.


From cavemen making suggestive remarks about mammoths to impress their she-folk, to Romeo wooing Juliet on her balcony, the pick up line has always been a useful tool in the seduction process. You may not be the toughest or the best-looking guy, but the right combination of words may well be the key to a woman’s heart. 

Yet tradition has led to cliché, and now the pick up line is sometimes seen as corny. Even so, whether your come-on is greeted with approval or skepticism, it’s still a great way to start a conversation. But with so many candidates, which line is the most famous of all?

25. “How YOU doin’?”
One of the newest lines on the list, and it’s all down to a fictional character. Joey from Friends was the heartthrob, so you might want to emulate his success with women. As character impressions go, this is a better choice than, say, Austin Powers.

24. “I’d better get a library card, because I’m checking you out.”

If you’re looking to sound both sleazy and intellectual, this may be the one for you. But don’t go so far as to produce and laminate an actual seduction library card. That’s going a little too far.

23. “Excuse me, but I think I dropped something. My jaw!”

This one requires a lot of confidence and depends on the delivery. You need to be understated, and not to sound too pleased with your “punchline”. Also, don’t do an actual jaw-drop. It will scare people and show those old fillings.

22. “You with all those curves! And me with no brakes!”

A real classic, though one to be careful with. A woman who’s sensitive about her weight may take it the wrong way.  Be careful of the back hand.

21. “Do you have any raisins? Well, then how about a date?”

This bold choice couldn’t be anything but a line. Just hope she doesn’t actually have any raisins, or you might get sidelined into the sexy and fascinating topic of comparing dried fruit.

20. “I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?”

Although probably unlikely to yield direct results, this is still a great conversation starter. Though it may present a problem if the woman is Amish.

19. “You see my friend over there? He wants to know if you think I’m cute.”

This one is great - an indirect approach, and one that makes it clear you’re not on your own. But make sure you do actually have a friend with you, or you might come across as A Crazy Freak, rather than cute.

18. “Do you have a mirror in your pocket? Because I can see myself in your pants.”

A real gamble. This one is best attempted after you’ve had a few drinks. It could be taken badly, but if it’s not, you know you’re in for an interesting night.

17. “I hope you know CPR, because you take my breath away.”

Classy and informative. Not only does it work as a line, but it’s always useful to have a chick with First Aid skills.

16. “You know what would look great on you? Me.”

Lure them in with a question about fashion, and then crush their hopes (and possibly their body) with your follow-up. Probably a little too threatening, especially if you’re on the heavy side.

15. “Excuse me, but I’m new in town; can I have directions to your place?”

Play the innocent outsider and you may be able to attract a girl who’s looking to take care of you. But don’t use the line if you actually do live nearby or the whole plan will fall apart.

14. “Can I borrow a quarter? I want to call my mum and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams.”

For the old-fashioned romantic. No one could object to this sweet approach, but they may question why you need a quarter when everyone has a cell phone. Hopefully she won’t be that pedantic.

13. “Do you have a map? Because I just keep on getting lost in your eyes.”

This one might be slightly too sweet. Also, make sure you’ve been talking for a while before using this line. Getting lost in the eyes of a stranger from across the room takes a creepy amount of concentration.

12. “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”

On the one hand you’re implying she’s an angel (good); on the other hand you’re implying that she’s a clumsy angel (not so good). You can modify this if you see a girl with an obvious (but not too serious) injury.

11. “What’s your sign?”

This will immediately work on one sort of person, but will immediately turn off the other. Assess your target before using this one. If she’s carrying wind chimes or wearing crystals, go for it.

10. “Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off?”

Don’t try this one if you’re a) already at an airport, or b) suffering from severe chest pains. It would just get confusing.

9. “If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put U and I together.”

Cute, but not grammatically correct. Of course, saying “I’d put U and me together” doesn’t make much sense in alphabetical terms, so just hope you’re not talking to a college graduate.

8. “Is it hot in here or is it just you?”

Simple and effective. Using this line in a sauna will either ruin it or make it ten times better. There’s no way of knowing without trying it out.

7. “Your legs must be tired because you’ve been running through my mind all night.”

This famous line must have worked at some point. Still, we’re not sure if you want to imply that a woman is looking tired, even if it’s part of a compliment.

6. “If I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me?”

We’re now entering the realm of the most famous of pick up lines. No one’s going to take this next one at face value, but it might be lame enough to break the ice.

5. “I didn’t know that angels could fly so low!”

This is probably too earnest to work in the 21st century, but if you’re committed enough you might be able to pull it off. Don’t try it in a heavy metal bar, though. It could be taken as an insult.

4. “Was your father a thief? ‘Cause someone stole the stars and put them in your eyes.”

As conversation starters go, “Was your father a thief?” is about as good as you can get. We’re not sure whether having stars in your eyes would be a good thing in reality though. You’d probably get too hot.

3. “Do you come here often?”

The vanilla of pick up lines. Inoffensive, genuine and slightly boring. But anything this widespread must be successful.

2. “Where have you been all my life?”

One of the best lines of all, this makes you seem romantic and yet interested. It can lead you down so many conversational roads, it’s definitely a great way to say hello, especially if you’re not taking yourself too seriously.

1. “What’s a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?”

The most famous of all pick up lines is patronising, dismissive and yet incredibly widespread. The majority of women will probably not appreciate being thought of as ‘nice’, so make sure to judge your target well, and lace the line with irony if necessary.

Go ahead, use one today.



Saturday, 1 June 2013

10 Things I Learned Recently

Happy June, my lovely Plonkers

Welcome to my birthday month!  It's gonna be a goodie, I can feel it in my 40 year old bones [feel free to send expensive gifts and cash, I really do have to finish my tattoo sleeve].  

Daffy Duck sung it best in this episode

.

And when in doubt try a briefcase full of money...and not on to the actual post....



1.  The Movie 21 and Over made me giggle like an old whore who found a ribbed cucumber.



2. Being a Study Buddy to a ten year old can be both fun and frustrating.   Who knew the Life Cycle of Water could be learned in song?  Just call me... Super-Mum!

3.  It's better to do one thing really, really well than putting you're finger in too many pies.  

3. Never underestimate the power and instantaneousness of Google.

4. I'm loving the series Mrs Brown's Boys. Its fekkin' hilarious.  Do you think its appropriate  for my 7 year old to be watching??




5.  I think most Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.  I shite you not.  Everything is either boiled or deep fried.  Everything tastes like slippery cardboard.


6.  I've become addicted to The Royal Bump Watch.  Kate Middleton is such a cute preggie Mum-to-Be.

7.   Anything that comes in a can and has an expiry date one year later, can NOT be good for you.

8.  It's not what you say, it's what you do.

9.  Wearing my favourite perfume makes me feel confident and sexy.

10.  No steel or wooden stake can pierce the human heart so chillingly as a full stop at the right moment.



Wednesday, 30 November 2011

How to Fondle the Proxy Penis

Happy Wednezday, Plonkers...

Here are 12 things you may wish you didn't know....

You touch 15 Cocks a Day!

Indirectly, but still.  It's by touching things recently by someone who's just touched their junk.  We're pretty grossed out at the thought of indirectly groping someone's cock, let alone 15!  Every time you touch a doorknob just imagine how nmany knobs you're fondling!  Not too different from fiving out wristies on Oxford Road...


Porn Doesn't Pay

Ever thought about quitting your desk job for a bed job?  That in your next life you'd be making a killing mining for Marmite down the next Jenna Jameson's holiest of holeys?  Forget it, Plonkers!  Not only is it almost impossible for a straight bloke to get a break in the adult film industry, the slary male porn stars earn is positively pitiful.  Still, STDs and living on the breadline aside, there's something to be said for nailing your dream job.


The Floating Island of Crap

The Great Pacific Garbage Patch is almost half the size of South Africa!  The world's largest landfill is completely unregulated, an island of plastic bottles, busted computers, manky toothbrushes and used connies.  And its there to stay.  Blah!


The Interwebz Never Forgets

Everything you've ever posted online is still there, somewhere, in the formless cornucopia of bits, bytes and feeds on the net.  Google can rat you out if the authorities ask for your info!


You're Taxed to the Max

Up to 60% of what you earn goes to the government.  That's tax on your salary, 14% VAT, carbon tax, tax on petrol and the e-toll system, which could chow R1000 a month if you commute between Jozi and Tswane!  The NHI is coming and as if that isn't enough, a one per cent tax has also been propsed to keep your favourite state broadcaster afloat.  And that on top of a fucking recession!


What Polony is really made of

The manufactuerers claim there's nothing substandard about he meat they use but when you're munching on that slimy pink tube, you're eating everthing they can't use in other products, ears, eyes, snouts and even testicles - all minced together and set in a fatty jelly made by boiling a pig's head.  YUMMERZ!


Shite in yer Nose

You don't smell anything with
out molecules binding to your olfactory receptors, so next time you're exposed to anal acoustics in a crowded lift know that you're ingesting little particles of poop.  When you flush a toilet, faecal matter is flung up six meters from the bowl, so chips your toothbrush!  And all air freshener does is mask the methane - shite that smells like lavender is still shite - just more insidious.


I See Stupid People

A staggering 41% of Yanks believe the rapture will happen by 2050.  Yes, almost half the population of what's still Earth's most powerful country are convinced that soon the faithful will be spirited away while they're sleeping, stuck in traffic or molesting altar boys.  These are the same people who aren't sold on global warming, probably because they think they'll be gone before the fallout.


Piracy Police are Pending

You've been scavenging the interwebz for everything your cap allows since you first learnt an mp3 isn't a form you have to submit to SARS.  But soon you may have to settle for what you've already managed to plunder.  Copyright companies in the US and UK have teamed up with service providers to monitor usage and South Africa looks set ot join the piracy pooping.  Downloading the latest Dexter might have Big Brother knocking at yer door.


Childbirth is Horrific

The miracle of life is also on of its biggest horrors.  Most men just don't have the stomach to handle the lumpy, blood-soaked terror that emergest from your lady's lovely Love Garden after your baby comes out or the turd she's bound to let slip as she's pushing out your progeny.  Add to that vaginal tearing and the manky placenta and you'll have to work hard to view her as sexy again!


Planes carry minimal fuel

As if breathing the same air as that Asian couple wearing masks over their mouths for 12 hours isn't enough to make you want to bring  your own oxygen tank, aerooplanes carry just enough fuel to get your there.  next time you need to make a detour, hoe its not a major one.


Glee is more successful than The King

The tune-spouting troupe from Fox's hit TV show have had more Billboard Hot 100 hits than Elvis Presley!  I shite you not.  Now on in its third season and pumping out an average of five power-pop rehashes an episode, expect these adolescent dethroners to leave The King's previous record of 108 entries in a trite trail of synth and slick productions.

Put that in yer pipe 'n smoke it!  

Do you know of some other facts of life that are better left obsure?


Wednesday, 23 March 2011

Some of my Favourite Things

Some of the things I love at the moment and no, its not raindrops on roses or fucking whiskers on kittens...Q Julie Andrews

Eve Bubbly in a Can - its convenient and its comes in the cutest silver or pink cans.  Great for smuggling alcohol into places where its forbidden coz I'm bad ass like that.



The PINK SONY Cybershot digital camera 12 megapixels to shove in my handbag instead of lugging around my other bulky camera. 

Shopping with my girls.  In the past when they were little, it was a nightmare taking them with shopping because they always whined and comlained.  Now they make it fun!

Silly Megan
Pretending to eat a giant dog's toy burger

Batiste (not the wrestler) Dry Shampoo.  When you don't have time to wash yor hair.  Its a great volume booster too.


My mirror Aviator sunnies
UK Goodies imported just for me for Easter!


Google
(not the hot Bitch, although I wouldn't say no to her either)
without Google I'd be lost...and wouldn't be able to play the Google Awkward Search



And finally, Blogger for the many years of Bloggerville experiences and the many Plonkers I have met here.  You Rock my Face off!

So what are your favourite things?


Friday, 7 January 2011

Google Awkward Search. Click Here for Penis Englargement

Thanks to Jesse at Not Worth Mentioning for introducing me to this Game for Boring Fuckers.   

How it works: 

  • Visit Google
  • Type in some random stuff 
  • Let google complete the rest for you
  • Laff yer fekking arse off






One Crazy Brunette Chick

Jen and CB host this one.  CB is back in the land of Blogging
so go and say Howdy and slap her skank ass, you know she loves it. 

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