How to Fondle the Proxy Penis

Happy Wednezday, Plonkers...

Here are 12 things you may wish you didn't know....

You touch 15 Cocks a Day!

Indirectly, but still.  It's by touching things recently by someone who's just touched their junk.  We're pretty grossed out at the thought of indirectly groping someone's cock, let alone 15!  Every time you touch a doorknob just imagine how nmany knobs you're fondling!  Not too different from fiving out wristies on Oxford Road...


Porn Doesn't Pay

Ever thought about quitting your desk job for a bed job?  That in your next life you'd be making a killing mining for Marmite down the next Jenna Jameson's holiest of holeys?  Forget it, Plonkers!  Not only is it almost impossible for a straight bloke to get a break in the adult film industry, the slary male porn stars earn is positively pitiful.  Still, STDs and living on the breadline aside, there's something to be said for nailing your dream job.


The Floating Island of Crap

The Great Pacific Garbage Patch is almost half the size of South Africa!  The world's largest landfill is completely unregulated, an island of plastic bottles, busted computers, manky toothbrushes and used connies.  And its there to stay.  Blah!


The Interwebz Never Forgets

Everything you've ever posted online is still there, somewhere, in the formless cornucopia of bits, bytes and feeds on the net.  Google can rat you out if the authorities ask for your info!


You're Taxed to the Max

Up to 60% of what you earn goes to the government.  That's tax on your salary, 14% VAT, carbon tax, tax on petrol and the e-toll system, which could chow R1000 a month if you commute between Jozi and Tswane!  The NHI is coming and as if that isn't enough, a one per cent tax has also been propsed to keep your favourite state broadcaster afloat.  And that on top of a fucking recession!


What Polony is really made of

The manufactuerers claim there's nothing substandard about he meat they use but when you're munching on that slimy pink tube, you're eating everthing they can't use in other products, ears, eyes, snouts and even testicles - all minced together and set in a fatty jelly made by boiling a pig's head.  YUMMERZ!

Shite in yer Nose

You don't smell anything with
out molecules binding to your olfactory receptors, so next time you're exposed to anal acoustics in a crowded lift know that you're ingesting little particles of poop.  When you flush a toilet, faecal matter is flung up six meters from the bowl, so chips your toothbrush!  And all air freshener does is mask the methane - shite that smells like lavender is still shite - just more insidious.


I See Stupid People

A staggering 41% of Yanks believe the rapture will happen by 2050.  Yes, almost half the population of what's still Earth's most powerful country are convinced that soon the faithful will be spirited away while they're sleeping, stuck in traffic or molesting altar boys.  These are the same people who aren't sold on global warming, probably because they think they'll be gone before the fallout.


Piracy Police are Pending

You've been scavenging the interwebz for everything your cap allows since you first learnt an mp3 isn't a form you have to submit to SARS.  But soon you may have to settle for what you've already managed to plunder.  Copyright companies in the US and UK have teamed up with service providers to monitor usage and South Africa looks set ot join the piracy pooping.  Downloading the latest Dexter might have Big Brother knocking at yer door.


Childbirth is Horrific

The miracle of life is also on of its biggest horrors.  Most men just don't have the stomach to handle the lumpy, blood-soaked terror that emergest from your lady's lovely Love Garden after your baby comes out or the turd she's bound to let slip as she's pushing out your progeny.  Add to that vaginal tearing and the manky placenta and you'll have to work hard to view her as sexy again!


Planes carry minimal fuel

As if breathing the same air as that Asian couple wearing masks over their mouths for 12 hours isn't enough to make you want to bring  your own oxygen tank, aerooplanes carry just enough fuel to get your there.  next time you need to make a detour, hoe its not a major one.

Glee is more successful than The King

The tune-spouting troupe from Fox's hit TV show have had more Billboard Hot 100 hits than Elvis Presley!  I shite you not.  Now on in its third season and pumping out an average of five power-pop rehashes an episode, expect these adolescent dethroners to leave The King's previous record of 108 entries in a trite trail of synth and slick productions.

Put that in yer pipe 'n smoke it!  

Do you know of some other facts of life that are better left obsure?

The Smart, Creative and Developmental City?

I got home last night and Ekurheleni Metropolitan Municipality  had left me a little love letter in my gate.

Yip, you guessed it - a notice to say that our Water and Lights had been cut off with immediately effect coz we hadn’t paid the bill. 

WTF?? I mean, honestly! 

We paid this account two days ago, get your fucking records straight! 

So, I tried to phone their Customer Call Centre which is an automated answering service (which I detest).  I want to speak to a person - a body - not a machine.  

Anyhoo, I hang on  listening to the android speaking skank talking to me like I'm a toddler and telling me to press 1 for after hours Call Centre Service.  I follow her instructions and obediently press 1.  

I wait.  

I wait some more.  

Then I wait some fucking more.  

Nothing!  

No irritating plinky-plonk hold music on loop, no marketing voice promoting shit I don't need, just a dead line!

I did this several times before I gave up.

I'm sorry to say we ate MacDonalds by candle light (so romantic), we all bathed in one bath because we had no hot water and went to bed early without having my weekly dose of Idols.  I couldn't even make a cuppa tea!  I was in a major huff.

So, this morning I had to physically take my proof of payment down to the Ekurheleni Metropolitan Municipality  before they would agree to switch my power back on. 

WTF? 

Does it make sense to cut someone’s water and lights if they’ve paid? Shouldn’t we be given a few days’ grace (even though we DID pay ON TIME)? 

Now I’m fucking seriously irritated! 

They are very quick to switch your power off for an alleged unpaid bill but when you’ve accidentally overpaid them or if they’ve over-charged you in their error, you wait a thousands years before they either sort it out or die a long and slow death waiting for a refund. 

I detest bad service – can you tell its one of my pet hates? 

Standing in the neverending queue today, all I heard were mostly women bitching and moaning about errors and incorrect charges…I’m glad I wasn't the only one that felt this way, but fuck people where is your customer service? 

You claim to be "The Smart, Creative and Developmental City".  

Walk the Talk, Fuckers!