Chesticles

What exactly is the male obsession with a part of the female anatomy that for many of us is no big deal: Breasts.

Picture the scene:


A male traffic cop pulls a woman over for speeding or driving with her Blackberry and mascara in hand. The first two buttons of her shirt are promptly undone as she nervously waits for the official who walks slowly towards her car. He leans forward towards the open window and BAM! She introduces him to the twins. 

Why? 

Well, because they’ve seldom let her down before.

They love our boobs so much they give them names.  Boobs are becoming less of a taboo subject than they were in the past and with that, neologisms and colloquial terms have been introduced, creating a seemingly endless list: bust, bosom, breasts, assets, lady lumps, boobs, girls, twins, tits, nanas.

Some fucking bright spark even insist that the names should be size-specific. How thoughtful of them. Melons, jugs, bee-stings, mosquito-bites, titties and (my personal favourite) chesticles.  I’m assuming that that’s simply a juxtaposition with the male version which also sags, is fragile and comes in twos.

Can you imagine its introduction to the English Oxford Dictionary?

“Chesticle (n.): either one of the soft, protruding glands on a woman’s chest which secrete milk after childbirth.”

Guys, what’s with the obsession with breasts? 

Some men revere the “girls” more than others.  Evolutionary biologists suggest that it’s all a matter of fertility and genetics. They claim that, when choosing a mate, our genes help us out a little. Men like parts like boobs and butts while we’re attracted to their arms, eyes, broad shoulders and legs.

Is there an ideal cup-size?

If we could conduct a study and get as many men to participate, what would the verdict be? While the C-cup seems to come out at the top as the most popular in previous studies, it’s safer to say that it’s all a matter of taste.  Either you're a boob-man or you're not.

Many men don’t even know how the concept of cup-sizes works. Some doochenozzles describes his idea of an ideal size as “a handful” while another Pnker insisted: “They should be in proportion to the rest of her body and somewhat noticeable.”

Is there such a thing as TOO big?

One of the guys responded with a: “NO! Are you out of your frikken mind?” I’d say he is a bit of a Boob-Man though. The average bloke insists that “jugs” can be oversized.

Medically, more is definitely less. Large breasts alone may not cause back aches but they are a considerable factor. Additionally, neck and shoulder pains may develop.

Psychologists suggest that a colossal bust may result in one being self-conscious and consequently, having a lower self-esteem.

Does breast size matter?

For a larger and full bust, breast augmentation is becoming increasingly popular. Claiming that they want their women “all natural,” men may not be keen on the idea of boob-jobs. But that too can be contested - I don’t see them complaining about the largely talented Pammy Anderson.

However, the most obvious boob insecurity is the fear of sagging. So we can’t defy gravity? That’s no big deal. It’s nothing a WonderBra bra can’t solve.We all want what we can't have, right?

Just like everything else about us, no pair is the same as the next. Our chests may give us comparative advantage over our male counterparts but they shouldn’t constitute some kind of “be all and end all” to your womanhood.

(and I just realised that I wrote about titties last week too).

Take a Nipple Stand. Get a Grope

Get a Grope


This dude gets to grope a whole bunch o' titties.



10 Things to Do with Boobs

1.  Jump
Watch those tahtahs bounce. If you hubby doesn't allow you to jump on the bed, buy a trampoline and jump for joy!


2.Glass Press
This is an especially sexy move to do while you're taking a shower. Or, if you don’t have a glass door shower, you can use any window pane in his view, like the one that faces the backyard while he’s mowing the lawn. Get your girls pressed up against the glass, and we’ll bet he’ll find a way to get to you.


3. Cleveage Lipstick
And then leave your mark all over him! This move was made famous by Molly Ringwald in “The Breakfast Club.” However, not one person on YouTube has uploaded the clip (WTF Plonkers?!), but this blond chick can show you how. Basically, all you have to do is squeeze your boobs together with your arms, stick a lipstick (or a lip gloss wand makes this trick easier) in your cleave, tilt your head down and around, and voila! The perfect, sexy pout.


4. Dress the Twins
Everything looks better behind a thin veil of satin, lace, feathers, whipped cream.  I have two words for ye WONDER BRA ... . Even guys who say they don’t care about lingerie will perk up if they see you in something sexy. Work it!


5. Cup Dip
Climb on top of his lap and lean forward into his face. It’s distracting. It’s a great tease to do when someone is trying to undress you. This Brilliant Boob Move makes it harder/better/slower/funner.

6. Tassle Twirl
OK, so this woman is clearly a pro.  She is Jo Boobs and she wrote the book on how to twirl tassels and all the other fucking sexy burlesque moves. But even if you can’t bend over backwards covered in beading and glitter, there is still a tassel that you can work! Just practice a little first and then you’ll love watching drawers drop.

7.  The Finish Line
Yes, that’s a euphemism. But if you’re not trying to make a baby, it’s a fun way to get him to pull out and go out with a bang!


8.  Shimmy Yer Shakers

Turn on some tunes and shake it like a Polaroid picture. Is there anything better than the simple pleasure of watching boobs jiggle?

9.  Pocket Rockets

Hide a surprise he'd like in your tits, perhaps a sexy note with an even sexier suggestion written on it.


10.  Wet T-Shirt
Put on a white or light-colored shirt. Pour water. And BAM! Heck, just writing this got “Pour Some Sugar On Me” stuck in my head.

Freaky Friday - Broken Penis

You Broke Your What?!  Your Penis?  Oh wait, you broke a Record?

With an estimated 120 million people fucking every day its no wonder some people don’t want vanilla sex only.  But you have to take things to a whole new level if you want to make it into the record books.  Some of these sex-related records are pretty mild, some are fucking strange and some and downright daft.  

Longest Kiss

The Winners: James Belshaw and Sophia Severin from the UK. The Record:  In 2005, Belshaw and Severin kissed nonstop for 31 hours, 30 minutes and 30 seconds at The Plaza Shopping Centre in London.  The couple weren’t allowed to fall asleep – or even sit.  They had to drink through a straw without stopping sucking face and even kept at it when going to the loo.  Who wants to take a duce while you're kissing?!  Pass.

Largest Natural Breasts

The Winner:  Annie Hawkins-Turner from the US (stage name Norma Stitz – a play on ‘normous tits’

The Record: She’s held the Guiness World Record for the biggest tits since 1999 – when each of them weighed 12.7kg and her bra size was 48V.  She cashed in by appearing in men’s magazines and making porn films.  Since then her jugs have increase in value – and in size : she’s put on weight and now wears a 72ZZZZ bra.

Biggest Penis

The winner: Jonah Cardeli Falcon from the US.

The Record:  Size does not matter when you have the largest penis in the world.  Falcon, 39, is a New Yorker with a 24.13cm penis – when its flaccid.  When he gets excited, it’s a scary 34.29cm. 


Falcon hasn’t had a relationship in 12 years.  Wonder why? #CockadoodledooMe.

Strongest Vagina

The Winner:  Tatiata Kozhevnikova from Russia.

The Record: Kozhevnikova can lift 14kg with her vagina (don’t fucking ask).  She’s been training her vaginal muscles for 15 years because she was convinced they were weak after she had a baby.  She recommends five minutes of Kegel exercises every day so you can enjoy sexual pleasure (and take up vaginal weightlifting)?

Longest  Time Spent Masturbating by a Woman

The Winner:  Kitty Kat from the US

The Record: Kitty Kat masturbated continuously for seven hours and six minutes at the 2008 San Francisco Masturbate-A-Thon.  The 28 year old erotic masseuse wore pink cat ears and masturbated with dildos, a vibrating five-fingered glove and a sex machine, and had an orgasm approximately once an hour.  Can you say Fanny Frayed?

Longest Time Spent Masturbating by a Man

The Winner: Masanobu Sato from Japan.

The Record: Sato became the masturbating champ of the world after he went at it continuously for nine hours and 58 minutes at the 2009 San Francisco Masturbate-A-Thon.  He works for a company that makes artificial pussies,  yeah thats right, fake Love Rugs!

Furthest Ejaculation

The Winner:  Horst Schultz from the US.

The Record: Shultz has he charming record of his seme travelling 5,71m (Reportedly as substantial amount managed to go the distance).  The record for female ejaculation is said to be three metres but no-one has named the talented squirter.

Most Sexual Partners in a Day

The Winners (or Losers): Jon Dough and Houston, US porn stars.

The Record: Dough was supposed to sleep with 101 women in one day, but only “managed” to do 52 of them.  Houston had sex with 620 men in one day – the average session with each man last about 58 seconds.

Largest  Orgy

The winner:  Japan

The Record: A total of 250 couples (500 bodies) came together to set this record.  The event took place in a warehouse and was recorded for the world to see.  In true Jap style it was perfectly co-ordinated – each sex act and position was choreographed.  You can even purchase the fucking DVD for only $40