Take a Nipple Stand. Get a Grope

Get a Grope


This dude gets to grope a whole bunch o' titties.



10 Things to Do with Boobs

1.  Jump
Watch those tahtahs bounce. If you hubby doesn't allow you to jump on the bed, buy a trampoline and jump for joy!


2.Glass Press
This is an especially sexy move to do while you're taking a shower. Or, if you don’t have a glass door shower, you can use any window pane in his view, like the one that faces the backyard while he’s mowing the lawn. Get your girls pressed up against the glass, and we’ll bet he’ll find a way to get to you.


3. Cleveage Lipstick
And then leave your mark all over him! This move was made famous by Molly Ringwald in “The Breakfast Club.” However, not one person on YouTube has uploaded the clip (WTF Plonkers?!), but this blond chick can show you how. Basically, all you have to do is squeeze your boobs together with your arms, stick a lipstick (or a lip gloss wand makes this trick easier) in your cleave, tilt your head down and around, and voila! The perfect, sexy pout.


4. Dress the Twins
Everything looks better behind a thin veil of satin, lace, feathers, whipped cream.  I have two words for ye WONDER BRA ... . Even guys who say they don’t care about lingerie will perk up if they see you in something sexy. Work it!


5. Cup Dip
Climb on top of his lap and lean forward into his face. It’s distracting. It’s a great tease to do when someone is trying to undress you. This Brilliant Boob Move makes it harder/better/slower/funner.

6. Tassle Twirl
OK, so this woman is clearly a pro.  She is Jo Boobs and she wrote the book on how to twirl tassels and all the other fucking sexy burlesque moves. But even if you can’t bend over backwards covered in beading and glitter, there is still a tassel that you can work! Just practice a little first and then you’ll love watching drawers drop.

7.  The Finish Line
Yes, that’s a euphemism. But if you’re not trying to make a baby, it’s a fun way to get him to pull out and go out with a bang!


8.  Shimmy Yer Shakers

Turn on some tunes and shake it like a Polaroid picture. Is there anything better than the simple pleasure of watching boobs jiggle?

9.  Pocket Rockets

Hide a surprise he'd like in your tits, perhaps a sexy note with an even sexier suggestion written on it.


10.  Wet T-Shirt
Put on a white or light-colored shirt. Pour water. And BAM! Heck, just writing this got “Pour Some Sugar On Me” stuck in my head.

Fawk You Friday, Shoegasm Shizzle and a Fizzy 55

So it's Fawk You Friday again!  Can you believe it?  Well my lovelies, head on over to Boobies, Babies and a Blog and link up.  Have some stinky cheese with your whine and let it all hang oot!

My Fuck You's this week:

Fuck you to my car's clutch cable that snapped in the middle of a busy traffic circle during rush-hour at 4pm in the afternoon just about 500m from my daughter's school.  All those fuckers peeping and gesturing for me to get out the way.  Where the fuck must I go when my car doesn't have a clutch and I'm on an incline.  Do I crawl up my own arsehole? Piss off!  

However, My Knight-In-Shining-Boerewors came to my rescue with tow car and tow rope.  Smart man!  I was in tears on the way home because I didn't know how to keep the rope tight without my breaks smelling like they were going to explode or trying to view all this through streaming tears.  

Story not over.  It happened again yesterday!  It snapped off mid-busy intersection and my Knight-In-Shining-Boerewors had to come to my rescue again.  He deserves a medal for coming to the rescue again, even though his wife was screaming down the phone at him.  I'm deeply sorry for taking out my frustrations on you!  I would rather evacuate my bowels in a public place than go through that again.


Fuck You to my stupid scale.  It hasn't budged since I started gym two weeks ago.  I thought I'd have lost at least 1 fekkin kilogram by now.  Urgh!  Keep plodding along on that Orbitrek machine, gurl!

Head on over to G-Man and sign up for Flash Fiction Friday and write a complete story in 55 words.  Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezy.

Sugar Free and yet sweet

Dark and Lovely

500mls of soft,

carbonated black beauty

Caffeine and Phenylalanine  loaded

Nice constant Buzzzzz

4 kilojoules of yumminess

0 grams of guilt-free fat

40mg of Sodium that’s 2% of your GDA

GDA – Guideline Daily Amount

Recyclable Plastic Bottle

Chug it down

Aahhhh!

Coke Lite does it for me!

Its Friday's Shoegasm over at  Peace Love Appelsauce

Go Link up and enjoy all the Heels



$669 at FabCrush

Orange (my favourite colour) Louboutin Knock-Offs $142

For the up-and-coming Royal Wedding  from Irregular Choice

Irregular Choice GBP79.99

Irregular Choice GBP129.99

I wish someone in the UK could send me a pair of Irregular Choice shoozies.  I'm a SA Size 4 if anyone wants to surprise me for my birthday in June.

I couldn't help but throw in a handbag because its so damn cute from Irregular Choice for GBP79.99.  Boy, do they have the most adorable accessories or what?. 

Have a BRILLIANT weekend and don't do anything I would do.  Bazinga!

April Fools!

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Freaky Fawk You Friday

Its Fawk You Friday over at Boobies

Fuck You to the collection of 9 million hadidah ibis birds that hide in our trees, outside our bedroom and wake me a 5am every fucking morning with they "waahwaah" at full volume!  My boerewors has a paint ball gun with your name on it!!! Watch out, Tweety!

Fuck You to the fat genes that I was blessed with or cursed with rather.  I have to watch EVERYTHING I eat.  I put on 2lbs just looking at slice chocolate fudge cake, 3lbs if I sniff it and 5lbs if I lick the bastard.  Fuck those calories - surely by now modern technology could have invented some ingenius Slim Pill that makes and keeps your skinny...

Fuck You to our long-haired cat who causes me to spray my twangy mucus and make it airborne for everyone to suck in and let those little bacteria fuckers breed in my tiny off-spring's immune system.  I am considering shaving Pickles - then all have a sphinx and won't be sneezing over everything and everyone.

Fuck You to Creme Soda that my kids love but turns their teeth a beautiful shade of Hulk green.  What is in that shite?  Its like green glue.

Fuck You to the local gym who want to charge me R599 per month to join their facility!  That is $86 - I don't wanna fucking buy the equipment, I just wanna use it a few times a week.  For that price I want a fucking back massage and pedicure every time I step through the door!  Jaysus, I could save up the money I'd spend on gym for 6 months and get me some liposuction!

Final Fuck You to the eyebrow dye that I left on a wee bit too long last night and now I have a pair of Bozo The Clown brows.  Thank God I have a long fringe!

Fawk You Funky Friday

 

Its Fawk You Friday over at Boobies.  Go sign up and vent!

Fuck you to being back at work.  Its awful.  I wanna be home with my family!!!  I hate having to work.  Praying to win the lottery.

Fuck you to the dentist who can't fit me in until 24 January and Megan is suffering in the meantime with a cavity.  Poor wee button.

Fuck you to the nursery school viruses which, even only being back at school for a few days, and already the runny snotty noses have started!  Quit infecting my girl-children!

Enjoy the music!  I LOVE the muppets and especially THE PRAWN.

The Funky Friday Song

FFF55 and Fawk You Friday

Go give The G-Man some love and join hundreds of other bloggers playing Flash Fiction Friday 55.

Write a complete story in only 55 words. Its easier said that done.

Enjoy!

Don’t spend your precious time asking “What is happening to the world and why isn’t it a better place?”.  It’s only be time wasted.  The question to ask is: “How I can I make it better?”  To that there are plenty answers.  It sometimes takes minimal effort to make a huge impact on someone else.

Yay! Its Fawk You Friday hosted by Boobies

Ready! Steady! Vent!

I had ONE BIG thing that I want to vent about this week that I can't really vent about on my blog.  Yeah, I know I always say never censor yerself but this is about work and I don't really wanna splash things about work all over the interwebs and get fired for it.  I do enjoy my work, its just circumstances that I'm PISSED OFF about.  Its been a very emotional week at work and some major changes taking place...So, I'm taking the easy way out and just making a general Fuck You to that in general.

Fuck You to that freakazoid Lady Gaga who recently wore a dress made out of fucking sirloin steaks to the MTV Music Awards.  God, she's so fucking twisted you just can't look away.  Don't worry Vegans its FAKE!  But still only the Gaga would wear this in public, hell, only Gaga would wear this at ALL!

Lady Gaga meats MTV 

Fuck you to the fucking retarded Nicole Kidman who was once really pretty, actually quite the gorgeous gal around Hollywood.  Now that skank has had so much plastic surgery you could cut her waif frame with a knife.  She's gone from strikingly stunning to uglier than a bag full of fucking hairy arseholes!  Stoopid bitch.

Finally, a big Fawk You to My Boerewors who, more often than not, makes ME sleep in the wet spot.  I'll get you back...be on the look out for revenge...

Go FlogYoBlog Friday at Random Ramblings of a SAHM 

Flash Fiction Friday 55 and Fawk You Friday

Join me and The  G-Man and hundreds of other bloggers playing Flash Fiction Friday 55.  Write a complete story in only 55 words.  Its easier said that done. Enjoy!

Man, its so awesome to be back.

Incognito

Masked and disguised

Buried behind a dense dark cloak

Veiled and concealed

An enigma to world

Secretly Smirking behind the costume

Relishing the anonymity and secrecy

Taking delight in the mystery

My Halloween ensemble is complete

However, all is in vain

Completely pointless and futile

ADaftScotsLass is

“All dressed up and no-where to go”

Yay!  Its Fawk You Friday at Boobies.

It gives you a chance to vent your frustrations for the week, which I do a lot and LOVE it:

• Fuck You to our internal It department who are restricting our internet access to almost nothing.  When am I going to get to blog, demit?  Don't make me FUCK SHIT UP, people!  I'll crack your teeth your conceited Wanker.
• Fuck You to deplorable bank balance that is depressing, pitiful and pathetic.  I want to win the fucking lottery!  I guess I’ll need to play then, right?  I’m in abject financial misery at the moment.
• Fuck You to the local retailers that grossly overcharge me for basic food stuffs.  Geezo, even a rudimentary block of gouda these days is a fucking rip off!  35 bucks!  You gotta be shitting me?!
• Fuck you to the torrent monsoon that happened just as I was leaving for work yesterday morning.  Not only did my mascara run and my hair fell flatter than a pancake, but the bottom 6 inches of my pants got mud-splattered and saturated.   Hell, I know I should NOT be complaining about the rain – and I’m not – because we really need it.  I’m complaining about the occurrences that happen due to the rain?  I am rambling again…  I just detest looking like fucking shit at work.

Go FlogYoBlog Friday at Random Ramblings of a SAHM 

Flash Fiction Friday 55 and Fawk You Friday

I'm back!!!

Gosh, FFF55ers I couldn't stay away..

I got far too many withdrawal symptoms from not writing my weekly 55s.  

Don't judge me - please just forgive me and have me back, G-Man. 

I neglected my Friday 55 

Not my finest decision 

The void it left was unexpected 

More than my lack of prose precision 

So here I am, I return 

Pleading to be taken back 

Into the crowd of 55 writers

Who fulfilled my writer’s heart. 

Exonerate, punish, reprimand and chide 

FFF55 is where my spirits reside.

Sign up for Fawk You Friday at Boobies.

It gives you a chance to vent your frustrations for the week:

• Fuck you to the bad-ass gastro virus that attacked my Boerewors and had him flat on his back in bed all day yesterday.  Poor bugger suffered and the place stank like shite.
• Fuck you to the pityful spittles of rain we had this week.  You're just teasing us!  Didn't you hear my numerous loud requests for a true African thunderstorm downpour? Light rain is enough to just piss me the fuck off.  You know, just enough to make my fucking car dirty, not enough to really saturate the garden and settle all the dust that is making our sinuses dribble all over the damn place.
• Fuck you to the South African community that don't celebrate Halloween in any way shape or form.  Because of the customs of this country, I am unable to dess up in my hawt witches party costume and go trick-or-treating.  Most of you Fuckers know how much I adore chocolate and candy.  C'mon, give a girl a break!
• Fuck you to the corn snake that found its way into our garden and scared the living shite outta me.  I nearly had fucking heart failure, demmit.  I hope that slithery Fucker didn't lay its eggs somewhere in a dark corner because if I have to deal with your babies, I will have a fucking stroke for sure!

FlogYoBlog Friday at Random Ramblings of a SAHM and meet some awesome bloggers.

Fuck You Friday

Sign up for Fawk You Friday at Boobies.

This week's Fucker Features:

This week has been pretty fucking awesome actually so its been difficult for me to find some Fuck Yous (I'm sure I'll be able to squeeze in a couple). 

Anyhoo, the reason why its been so brilliant is that I left my mobile phone at a local pharmacy and by the time I realised it was gone, I just knew someone had swiped it.  It doesn't happen often that if you leave your phone somewhere, that you get it back (well not in South Africa anyway).

However, the following day I got wind that the guy from the pharmacy had been phoning people on my contact list trying to get hold of me.  He had kept my phone and wanted to return it to me.  Yip, my brand spanking new phone was safe!  I went to collect it and I couldn't have show the dude more gratitude...

• 
  
  Fuck you to the wee baw-bag bacteria that invaded my larynx  causing me to sound like a complete eejit for most of the fuckin week.  Yeah, I lost my voice so I couldn't even yell at my kids!  It was frustrating and exhausting.  Each word I uttered took so much energy and I still sounded like a loony tweenie shitter who voice is in the process of breaking.
• 
  
  Fuck you to the nimbus clouds that floated in and mocked us.  We're all dyin' for the rain.  The wind blew a gale and we heard a rumble or two but absa lootly FUCK ALL.  We need the rain demmit, its been a long dry winter.  Just fucking rain already!

FlogYoBlog Friday at Random Ramblings of a SAHM and meet some awesome bloggers.

Blog Stalk Friday is hosted by The Princess of Class, Trash and Sass. Follow this mouthy Crazy Brunette Chick's rules or she'll fuck you Bitches up!

Awah and fuck yerselz and have a brilliant weekend!
Will be over soon to read all  yer FFF55s 

 

Boobies Does It - So Can I

So Boobies, Babies and A Blog Does Follow Me Back Tuesday and links up dozens of really awesome blogs to follow and go and read.  I don't normally like these Follow Me Linky Links but this week I found a few goodies in amongst the Giveaway Whores.  Geezo do I detest those...especially because most of them are in the US of A and I can't fucking enter.  Skanks!

Xmas Dolly and Two Monkeys and a Washtub


Anyhoo, I'm doing it - like it or lump it.

Put THAT in yer pipe 'n smoke it!

Questions and Answers

Got this from Boobies and I just loved the questions so I nicked it - yip I do that from time to time, Deal with it!

1. What is your signature color? 

I love anything orange.  I love the taste of orange, the smell of orange.  I love to buy anything thats orange.  I even have an orange car.  Its a little bit of an obsession.

2. Your most embarrassing moment?  

One way to plug the hole

I went on a blind date and the assbag took me to a Jazz Clube.  He sat us right next to the band so we couldn't really talk because the music was so deafening.  I proceed to get hopeless drunk (what else was there to do?).  I asked my date to pass me my handbag so that I could get another fag and I promptly lit a tampon!  Yes, I the paper caught on fire and so did the cardboard applicator.  I tried to stub it out in the ashtray but the tampon started smoldering and those fuckers stink when burnt!  Needless to say I did NOT get a second date.  That'll teach him to take me to a fucking Jazz Club.

3. Would you ever get anything pierced other than your ears? If yes, what?  

I have my navel pierced and have had my tongue pierced for about 10 years now.  I wouldn't go near the titties but I may go for a something down south just for the experience.

4. Are you a social butterfly or a homebody?  

I'm a social butterfly.  I love being out and about and meeting friends.  I love meeting new people and finding out their life stories.  I don't have two butterfly tattoos for nothing I guess, I love butterflies.

5. Are you done having babies or do you want more?  

I'm done having babies.  I'm too old for another little screecher in our house.  My two wee lassies keep me busy enough. 

6. Are you loyal to your hairstylist or are do you tryout every salon in town? 

I don't have a stylist.  I don't do much to my long hair at all except keep it in good condition and give it a good whack with the scissors every 8 weeks or so.

7. How many times have you moved in your life?  

Too many times to mention actually.  We lived in one house for 10 years when we still lived in Scotland but when we moved to South Africa - the nomadic life started.  We lived in Pretoria for two years, then moved to Johannesburg and moved around various suburbs of Johannesburg 5 times.  I then moved out of home and have moved 8 times since being on my own.  We have been in our current house for 7 years and I have NO intentions of moving anywhere for the next 20 years!

8. If you could plan your dream vacation with just you and your love where would it be?  

Sight-seeing in Italy and on to Europe, popping into Scotland for a while and ultimately going on a slow world cruise where I'm waited on hand-and-foot and we stop off at various warm tropical places where the sand is white, the sea is warm and crystal clear and the cocktails are extra large and never ending.

and I hand this on to some new blogs that I've started following recently :

A Spicy Boy, a Cat and my Fat Ass

Not Worth  Mentioning

The Pajama MonoBlogs

The Crazy Baby Mama

Foul Mouth Shirts

Most of you know that I'm not one to mince my words and if you've followed my blog for a while you'll probably know that one of my favourite adjectives is the classic four-letter favourite - Fuck!

One of the best ways of expressing your love for offensive language is by wearing offensive tee shirts. 

Foul Mouth Shirts is the pinnacle of all things offensive! 

I mean this is a brilliant way of getting away with it without actually saying a word.  You will find no better place to get the perfect Tee.  You can even customise your own favourite offensive saying that will be certain to make your statment loud and clear!  They have plenty of wicked cool stuff they even do naughty thongs.

I spent yonks browsing through the women's t-shrits and I just love these ones:

They also have great Custom Titty Stickers.

Head over to Boobies, Babies and a Blog and enter her competition to win!