Chesticles

What exactly is the male obsession with a part of the female anatomy that for many of us is no big deal: Breasts.

Picture the scene:


A male traffic cop pulls a woman over for speeding or driving with her Blackberry and mascara in hand. The first two buttons of her shirt are promptly undone as she nervously waits for the official who walks slowly towards her car. He leans forward towards the open window and BAM! She introduces him to the twins. 

Why? 

Well, because they’ve seldom let her down before.

They love our boobs so much they give them names.  Boobs are becoming less of a taboo subject than they were in the past and with that, neologisms and colloquial terms have been introduced, creating a seemingly endless list: bust, bosom, breasts, assets, lady lumps, boobs, girls, twins, tits, nanas.

Some fucking bright spark even insist that the names should be size-specific. How thoughtful of them. Melons, jugs, bee-stings, mosquito-bites, titties and (my personal favourite) chesticles.  I’m assuming that that’s simply a juxtaposition with the male version which also sags, is fragile and comes in twos.

Can you imagine its introduction to the English Oxford Dictionary?

“Chesticle (n.): either one of the soft, protruding glands on a woman’s chest which secrete milk after childbirth.”

Guys, what’s with the obsession with breasts? 

Some men revere the “girls” more than others.  Evolutionary biologists suggest that it’s all a matter of fertility and genetics. They claim that, when choosing a mate, our genes help us out a little. Men like parts like boobs and butts while we’re attracted to their arms, eyes, broad shoulders and legs.

Is there an ideal cup-size?

If we could conduct a study and get as many men to participate, what would the verdict be? While the C-cup seems to come out at the top as the most popular in previous studies, it’s safer to say that it’s all a matter of taste.  Either you're a boob-man or you're not.

Many men don’t even know how the concept of cup-sizes works. Some doochenozzles describes his idea of an ideal size as “a handful” while another Pnker insisted: “They should be in proportion to the rest of her body and somewhat noticeable.”

Is there such a thing as TOO big?

One of the guys responded with a: “NO! Are you out of your frikken mind?” I’d say he is a bit of a Boob-Man though. The average bloke insists that “jugs” can be oversized.

Medically, more is definitely less. Large breasts alone may not cause back aches but they are a considerable factor. Additionally, neck and shoulder pains may develop.

Psychologists suggest that a colossal bust may result in one being self-conscious and consequently, having a lower self-esteem.

Does breast size matter?

For a larger and full bust, breast augmentation is becoming increasingly popular. Claiming that they want their women “all natural,” men may not be keen on the idea of boob-jobs. But that too can be contested - I don’t see them complaining about the largely talented Pammy Anderson.

However, the most obvious boob insecurity is the fear of sagging. So we can’t defy gravity? That’s no big deal. It’s nothing a WonderBra bra can’t solve.We all want what we can't have, right?

Just like everything else about us, no pair is the same as the next. Our chests may give us comparative advantage over our male counterparts but they shouldn’t constitute some kind of “be all and end all” to your womanhood.

(and I just realised that I wrote about titties last week too).

Take a Nipple Stand. Get a Grope

Get a Grope


This dude gets to grope a whole bunch o' titties.



10 Things to Do with Boobs

1.  Jump
Watch those tahtahs bounce. If you hubby doesn't allow you to jump on the bed, buy a trampoline and jump for joy!


2.Glass Press
This is an especially sexy move to do while you're taking a shower. Or, if you don’t have a glass door shower, you can use any window pane in his view, like the one that faces the backyard while he’s mowing the lawn. Get your girls pressed up against the glass, and we’ll bet he’ll find a way to get to you.


3. Cleveage Lipstick
And then leave your mark all over him! This move was made famous by Molly Ringwald in “The Breakfast Club.” However, not one person on YouTube has uploaded the clip (WTF Plonkers?!), but this blond chick can show you how. Basically, all you have to do is squeeze your boobs together with your arms, stick a lipstick (or a lip gloss wand makes this trick easier) in your cleave, tilt your head down and around, and voila! The perfect, sexy pout.


4. Dress the Twins
Everything looks better behind a thin veil of satin, lace, feathers, whipped cream.  I have two words for ye WONDER BRA ... . Even guys who say they don’t care about lingerie will perk up if they see you in something sexy. Work it!


5. Cup Dip
Climb on top of his lap and lean forward into his face. It’s distracting. It’s a great tease to do when someone is trying to undress you. This Brilliant Boob Move makes it harder/better/slower/funner.

6. Tassle Twirl
OK, so this woman is clearly a pro.  She is Jo Boobs and she wrote the book on how to twirl tassels and all the other fucking sexy burlesque moves. But even if you can’t bend over backwards covered in beading and glitter, there is still a tassel that you can work! Just practice a little first and then you’ll love watching drawers drop.

7.  The Finish Line
Yes, that’s a euphemism. But if you’re not trying to make a baby, it’s a fun way to get him to pull out and go out with a bang!


8.  Shimmy Yer Shakers

Turn on some tunes and shake it like a Polaroid picture. Is there anything better than the simple pleasure of watching boobs jiggle?

9.  Pocket Rockets

Hide a surprise he'd like in your tits, perhaps a sexy note with an even sexier suggestion written on it.


10.  Wet T-Shirt
Put on a white or light-colored shirt. Pour water. And BAM! Heck, just writing this got “Pour Some Sugar On Me” stuck in my head.

I'm Boobalicious

So, I was fine until at 3pm the day before my surgery.

I started getting nervous and my tummy felt all jittery and butterflies. By the time I got home Riaan calmed me down and relaxed me by teasing me because I was so nervous. I didn’t go to bed too early because I was excited and I knew I wouldn’t sleep. I hardly slept that night I was thinking about the unexpected and tossed and turned.

I got up early that morning – 5:30 and pacing and pottered around the house. Packed some things in a bag and got myself and the girls ready and we left to go to the hospital at 7am. I was due to be there at 8am and we got there just in time. I was filling out forms when the surgeon came in and asked me to come through to the ward so that he could mark my chest as I was the first to go in. Thank goodness! I thought.

We went through to the ward and the doctor magic-marked my chest. I gave him his wad of cash. The nurses took my blood pressure and the anaesthetist arrived, who just happens to be the surgeon’s daughter, and chatted to me for a while. She said there would be no time for pre-med as I would go into the theatre first. I was relieved.

I put on my designer hospital wear – a white backless gown with blue over-sized knickers and matching blue hat – thats HOT. I was told to get on to the trolley bed and I lay there reading my marie Claire for about 10 minutes. The nurse wheeled me through to the theatre and my first reaction was that I was freezing! It was so cold in there and they were playing 94.7. It was 9.15 and my doc was sitting doing paperwork in the corner and the nurses were prepping the room.

The anaesthetist came in and chatted to me softly. She examined my hand and arm for veins and commented that they were very “skinny”. I told her that was the only thing on my body that was skinny. She laughed and told me I’d made her day. She then gave me oxygen and I was riding a very beautiful big wave. Drugs are awesome…

When I woke up I was being moved into my bed in the ward. I peeped into my hospital gown and smiled. I had done it! They were still very swollen and high and tight but I smiled and drifted in and out of beautiful morphine sleep all afternoon. At one point I was walking around the corridors and I went for a wee. The nurses found me wandering around and put me back to bed.

At around 5pm the nurses came around to tell the patients that they were due to have load shedding at 6pm. Can’t you believe it? Load shedding in hospitals?? Its ridiculous. They said that they had generators in the theatres only because if someone is on the operating table they need the generators there. Its crazy!

The surgeon came around and asked me how I was feeling. I said I felt great. No pain and I was still riding my morphine wave. He discharged me and told me to come and see him on Friday to get the drains removed. I forgot to ask him how many CCs he has pumped me up to but I blame the morphine for that. I will speak to him about that on Friday when I see him…I want to know what size bras to buy...

I phoned my sister and ask her to collect me. She was at a client in Benoni and had to drive all the way to Roodepoort and got stuck in traffic! Her cellphone battery was about to die and I would just have to wait for her.

I got dressed and was ushered out to reception to wait for my sister as the lights were about to go off in the ward and the nurses said it would be pitch black there. So there I was sitting in reception with my drain in my hand dying for a smoke. We all went outside and had a smoke. The nurses and staff were brilliant! So caring and full of fun and humour… anyway the smoke was the wrong thing to do. I was so lightheaded after a couple of drags- I just killed it.

Janie arrived at 6:30 and we took a very slow walk to the parking lot. When we got to the car one of the security guards was very friendly and helped us into the car. I was still riding my morphine wave so when he brushed up against my sister I didn’t notice. She said she thought it was just an accident at first. She put me in the car and walked to the other side of the car where he brushed up against her again – then she knew it was no accident. She turned around to face him and in all her blondeness still give him a tip, he had his willie in his hand and held the other hand out for his tip. Sick bastid! Janie just got in the car – she couldn’t believe it!

We took a slow drive to the gate where he was standing ready to open the boom for us, hard-on clearly visible through his pants. Sick pig! He WILL be reported and hopefully fired. Weird thing was he wasn't wearing the regular security guard uniform. Hmmmm will investigate...

We got home at about 7:30 and had a cuppa tea, a fag and sat chatting for a while. I took two of my Synap Fortes (bootifool stuff) and went to bed. I didn’t get much sleep as I’m not used to sleeping on my back all night.

I must say that I expected a lot more pain. I guess it might still come but all in all it just feels like someone is sitting on my chest. It burns a little where the drains come out but other than that the drugs are definintely doing the trick and my chest looks huge! They are very swollen and tight.

Wish me luck for my appointment tomorrow.

I think the bandages will only come off on Sunday!

Thanks for riding the boobie rollercoaster with me.