Swagalicous

Hey Plonkers, I've had such a hectic week organising the finer details for my birthday party thats happening this weekend.  It's gonna be fuckin LEGEN....wait for it.....DARY!  

So many things to to finalise.

I've been stressing trying to locate my parcel that my friend, Xmas Dolly sent from the states (you're a star).  It was sent over a month ago with my costume for the party and a few other bibs and bobs, and it's been sitting at South African customs since the 4th of June. 

Luckily, my BIL (Brother In Law) works at the airport and went to see if he could locate it for me.  Guess what?  He found it!  What a hero! After four days on the phone with the SAPO (useless MuthaFuckers - and I will say that on record).  You have no idea how many bloody phone calls I've made, how many minutes I've been on hold, how many times I've been cut off and shunted around.  I know the hold message off by fucking heart!  I must've spoken to at least a dozen people and not one ARSEHOLE could help me!!! 

Anyhoo, my parcel only arrived in my grubby paws today!  My Boerewors went to collect it from my BIL and bring it to work.  Three days before the party. 

So, turns out, that I had to run around sourcing other costume alternatives because, after all that, my outfit didn't fit.  How pissed off and disappointed was I?  Lets not even go there. 

I was pretty fucking bummed after I'd spent a damn fortune on it and another small fortune on postage and literally four days with the telephone glued to my now-cauliflower ear trying to locate the damn fucking parcel.

Poison Ivy was NOT meant to be.

Switch to Plan B

Amongst all that, I have one of my colleages off sick and in hospital with pneumonia.  It has put a lot of pressure on me. We have had two deadlines to make this week;   our Johannesburg publication and our Vaal publication.   Each publication has been pretty challenging to fill, and having to deal with all my colleague's clients in her absence, finalising orders, artwork and payments hasn't left any time for anything else.

So, bottom line, I'm sorry I haven't blogged anything of significance this week.  Nothing worth shite actually....

However...

I'm really super stoked to letting my hair down at my 40th birthday bash on Saturday night.  Having 50 of my friends and family to hang out with and dance the night away with.  Yeeeeeehawwww!

I have taken Friday off to prepare the venue with all the decor and decorations.  Lots to organise!  Fog machine, laser lights, jukebox, finish making centrepieces, assemble telephone booth, back drops, table cloths, overlays, food, make the punch, collect the cake, fetch the balloons and glue masks to the balloons, dye hair, have make up done, help with the kids costumes and face paint, the list seems endless.

So, another cop-out post today, I'm afraid.  At least these will make you laugh.


They certainly cheered me up today.

and my personal favourite....

If I wanted to hear from an asshole, I'd fart

Whether you're teeming with frustration, overwhelmed with envy, or just plain in the mood, there are unlimited reasons to blast off an insult.  From fuck words to long-winded dialogues, back-handed compliments to in-yer-face jeers, sometimes you've gotta say what's really on yer mind.

The personal benefits of releasing such negative energy far outweigh someone else's hurt feelings, especially if they're a raging Plonker!

You'll feel empowered, in control, and generally truck loads better about yerself by taking down those doochebags around you.  In today's world, niceness is completely overrated.

Philosophers understand that the pleasure of a skillfully delivered insult, and the frequently ensuing amusement, comes from the enjoyment of contrasting our own superiority with the foibles of others.

Often we're in a situation where the moment presents itself to deliver the perfect cracker of a doozy but we're at a loss for what to say and what to insult.  Only afterwards do we think of what we should have said.  When this happens just remember The theory of relativity. 

Relatively speaking, someone is always fatter or skinnier, older or younger - even if only by a few ounces or days.  If they're dumber than a doorknob, pick on their intelligence (this is a personal favourite of mine).  If they're smarter, mock their arrogance.  If they're mean, impugn their character.  If, on the other hand, you find yourself at the  receiving end of a disparaging remark, you'll need a witty comeback. 

It's the survival of the fittest and morons lurk everywhere. 

Despite the age-old saying that "words will never hurt me" but we all know that a biting comment can be a devastatingly effective slap in the face. 

It's not easy being fucking mean but it sure is fun!

*Warning Offensive* Shite Below

The Foschini Group has withdrawn three T-shirts from their stores with immediate effect, the Cape Times reported on Wednesday.

The withdrawal comes after a petition by local feminist organisation, FeministsSA, because the t-shirts were deemed sexist.

Shocking styles and slogans.

The T-shirts, all for men, featured slogans such as 

“You looked better from behind”; 

“S: Stay I: Intoxicated N: Nightly G: Get L: Laid E: Every day”

and 

“I put the STD in STUD, all I need is U”. 

Available at Markhams and Sports Scene stores, the T-shirts were meant to be tongue-in-cheek, but had caused offence to some customers.

Designer defends t-shirts.

Harry Fokker (I shite you not!) the designer of the t-shirts, explained that the purpose of these T-shirts was “satirical” and that they were “meant to be humorous, to use controversy”. 

Fokker was also quoted as saying that Markham’s withdrawal of the t-shirts was an “unfortunate outcome”.

In their petition to the Foschini Group, FeministsSA took a firm stand on the views expressed by Fokker

“Fokker’s use of images and slogans that are explicitly misogynistic on Markham t-shirts is neither humorous nor satirical. In the South African context in which rates of violence against women are among the world’s highest. His T-shirts display, at best, foolish naïvete, at worst, casual bigotry,” they stated.

Social networking storm

Using social networking sites, Twitter and Facebook, FeministsSA asked its followers to boycott all Foschini stores until all the offensive sweaters had been removed. The request, along with the petition included on thepetitionsite.com, caused an uproar which ultimately prompted the Group to remove the T-shirts.

Crossing the line

The Foschini Group’s communications manager Kathryn Sakalis said “We have hundreds of Ts with different slogans. Those withdrawn are three we felt crossed the line between humorous and offensive," she said. 

Offensive?  They should read some of my fucking t-shirts!

My favourite at the moment?

"Some say I have a bad attitude.  I say FUCK 'EM!"  

That one is dedicated to Harry Fokker!

Put THAT in yer pipe and smoke it, Foschini.  Its called Satire and its fucking funny!!

Foul Mouth Shirts

Most of you know that I'm not one to mince my words and if you've followed my blog for a while you'll probably know that one of my favourite adjectives is the classic four-letter favourite - Fuck!

One of the best ways of expressing your love for offensive language is by wearing offensive tee shirts. 

Foul Mouth Shirts is the pinnacle of all things offensive! 

I mean this is a brilliant way of getting away with it without actually saying a word.  You will find no better place to get the perfect Tee.  You can even customise your own favourite offensive saying that will be certain to make your statment loud and clear!  They have plenty of wicked cool stuff they even do naughty thongs.

I spent yonks browsing through the women's t-shrits and I just love these ones:

They also have great Custom Titty Stickers.

Head over to Boobies, Babies and a Blog and enter her competition to win!