Questions and Answers

Oh, I know I've done this before, but its been a while since my last vlog.  My other Questions and Answers vlog went a wee bit something like this.

So, I thought instead of just rambling on about useless drivel (like I normally would do), I would throw it back at you.  

Ask me questions and I'll answer them in a vlog next week. 

I know there are things you've been dying to ask me.  

So, ready?  Go!

Swagalicous

Hey Plonkers, I've had such a hectic week organising the finer details for my birthday party thats happening this weekend.  It's gonna be fuckin LEGEN....wait for it.....DARY!  

So many things to to finalise.

I've been stressing trying to locate my parcel that my friend, Xmas Dolly sent from the states (you're a star).  It was sent over a month ago with my costume for the party and a few other bibs and bobs, and it's been sitting at South African customs since the 4th of June. 

Luckily, my BIL (Brother In Law) works at the airport and went to see if he could locate it for me.  Guess what?  He found it!  What a hero! After four days on the phone with the SAPO (useless MuthaFuckers - and I will say that on record).  You have no idea how many bloody phone calls I've made, how many minutes I've been on hold, how many times I've been cut off and shunted around.  I know the hold message off by fucking heart!  I must've spoken to at least a dozen people and not one ARSEHOLE could help me!!! 

Anyhoo, my parcel only arrived in my grubby paws today!  My Boerewors went to collect it from my BIL and bring it to work.  Three days before the party. 

So, turns out, that I had to run around sourcing other costume alternatives because, after all that, my outfit didn't fit.  How pissed off and disappointed was I?  Lets not even go there. 

I was pretty fucking bummed after I'd spent a damn fortune on it and another small fortune on postage and literally four days with the telephone glued to my now-cauliflower ear trying to locate the damn fucking parcel.

Poison Ivy was NOT meant to be.

Switch to Plan B

Amongst all that, I have one of my colleages off sick and in hospital with pneumonia.  It has put a lot of pressure on me. We have had two deadlines to make this week;   our Johannesburg publication and our Vaal publication.   Each publication has been pretty challenging to fill, and having to deal with all my colleague's clients in her absence, finalising orders, artwork and payments hasn't left any time for anything else.

So, bottom line, I'm sorry I haven't blogged anything of significance this week.  Nothing worth shite actually....

However...

I'm really super stoked to letting my hair down at my 40th birthday bash on Saturday night.  Having 50 of my friends and family to hang out with and dance the night away with.  Yeeeeeehawwww!

I have taken Friday off to prepare the venue with all the decor and decorations.  Lots to organise!  Fog machine, laser lights, jukebox, finish making centrepieces, assemble telephone booth, back drops, table cloths, overlays, food, make the punch, collect the cake, fetch the balloons and glue masks to the balloons, dye hair, have make up done, help with the kids costumes and face paint, the list seems endless.

So, another cop-out post today, I'm afraid.  At least these will make you laugh.


They certainly cheered me up today.

and my personal favourite....

If I wanted to hear from an asshole, I'd fart

Whether you're teeming with frustration, overwhelmed with envy, or just plain in the mood, there are unlimited reasons to blast off an insult.  From fuck words to long-winded dialogues, back-handed compliments to in-yer-face jeers, sometimes you've gotta say what's really on yer mind.

The personal benefits of releasing such negative energy far outweigh someone else's hurt feelings, especially if they're a raging Plonker!

You'll feel empowered, in control, and generally truck loads better about yerself by taking down those doochebags around you.  In today's world, niceness is completely overrated.

Philosophers understand that the pleasure of a skillfully delivered insult, and the frequently ensuing amusement, comes from the enjoyment of contrasting our own superiority with the foibles of others.

Often we're in a situation where the moment presents itself to deliver the perfect cracker of a doozy but we're at a loss for what to say and what to insult.  Only afterwards do we think of what we should have said.  When this happens just remember The theory of relativity. 

Relatively speaking, someone is always fatter or skinnier, older or younger - even if only by a few ounces or days.  If they're dumber than a doorknob, pick on their intelligence (this is a personal favourite of mine).  If they're smarter, mock their arrogance.  If they're mean, impugn their character.  If, on the other hand, you find yourself at the  receiving end of a disparaging remark, you'll need a witty comeback. 

It's the survival of the fittest and morons lurk everywhere. 

Despite the age-old saying that "words will never hurt me" but we all know that a biting comment can be a devastatingly effective slap in the face. 

It's not easy being fucking mean but it sure is fun!

What Questions do you have for A Daft Scots Lass?

I've done this before but I haven't done it in over a year, so I thought I'd haul it out again.

You Plonkers get to ask me all the questions you've wanted to ask but haven't yet.

Once I have a good few questions gathered together, I answer them..

Looking forward to hearing some creative and kickass questions.

Ready?

Go!

Eternal Offensive Questions

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... But it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?


Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?


Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?


If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?


Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?


Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?


Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway.


Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?


Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?


If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?


Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?


If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?


Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?


Why did you just try singing the two songs above?


Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?


Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Who's got the answers?