Easily Offended? Fuck Off!

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mother...!!

Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

Q: What do the Gynecologist and the pizza delivery man have in common?
A: They both get to smell the goods but neither one of them can eat it.

Q: How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
A: The cake jumps out of the girl.

Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A: Full.

Q: What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q: How is pubic hair like parsley?
A: You push it to the side before you start eating.

Q: What is blonde, has six legs, and roams Michael Jackson's dreams
every night??
A: Hanson.

Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have
you done wrong?
A: Made her chain too long.

Q: What's somewhat brown and often found in children's underpants?
A: Michael Jackson's hand.

Q: How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
A: They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you
lose your house.

Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.

Q: What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A: A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody
at the party except you.

Q: What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling

Q: What are three words you dread the most while making love?
A: "Honey, I'm home."

Q: What's so good about an Ethiopian blow job?
A: You just KNOW she'll swallow.

Q: Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same
day in Iraq?
A: They don't want to wear out the camel.

Q: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelery.

Q: Do you know why women fake orgasm?
A: Because men fake foreplay.

Q: What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting
circumcised?
A: When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!

Q: A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
A: Dating children.

Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A: A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Q: Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
A: She knows she's given her last blow job.

Q: What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
A: Cough, gag, choke, etc.

Q: What did One gay sperm say to another?
A: How do we find an egg in all of this shit?

Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A: It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?

Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.

Q. How do you find a blonde in long grass?
A. Pleasing

Q. What has seventy-five balls and screws old ladies?
A. Bingo!

Q. How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when it is
bedtime?
A. When the big hand touches the little hand...

Q: When is a pixie not a pixie?
A: When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.

Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a "quickie", only you do it yourself.

Q: How does every ethnic joke start?
A: By looking over your shoulder.

Q: What's a Japanese girl's favourite holiday?
A: Erection day.

Q: How can you tell if a valentine card is from a leper?
A: The tongue's still in the envelope.

Q: Which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat, eggs, blow job?
A: The blow job. You can beat your wife, your eggs, or your meat; but
you just can't beat a blow job.

Q: What is the definition of Confidence?
A: When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her
on the ass and say, "You're next Baby... !"

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board A: It's
difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.

Q: What's pink and hard?
A: A pig with a flick knife.

Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
A: They are easier to keep amused.

Q: Why do seagulls have wings?
A: To beat the gypsies to the tip.

Q: Why did god invent alcohol?
A: So fat women can get laid too.

Q. How do you get three little old ladies to say the "F" word?
A. Have a fourth one yell "Bingo!"

Q: What do you get if you cross a pit bull with a hooker?
A: Your last blow job.

Q: Why did god create women?
A: Because dogs can't get beer out the fridge.

Q: What's 100 yards long and smells of piss?
A: The Post Office queue on Thursday mornings.

Q: What's the difference between a woman from Wigan and a walrus?
A: One's got a moustache and smells of fish and the other lives in the
sea.

Q: How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, but it takes 15 to write a paper entitled "coping with
darkness"

Q: Why don't blind people skydive?
A: It scares the shit out of the dog.

Q: What have women and condoms got in common?
A: If they're not on your dick they're in your wallet.

Q: What's the difference between PMT and BSE?
A: One's mad cow's disease and the other's an agricultural problem.

Q: Why was the washing machine laughing?
A: Because it was taking the piss out of the undies.

Q: What will Postman Pat be called when he retires?
A: Pat

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead
Lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: What's got four legs, and goes "Woof"?
A: Piper Alpha.

Q: How do you make a dog drink?
A: Put it in a liquidizer.

Q: What's got 500 legs and no pubic hair?
A: The front row at a Boyzone concert.

Q: What's got four legs and an arm?
A: A Rottweiler.

Q: What's got two legs and bleeds?
A: Half a dog..

Q: What do you do if your boiler explodes?
A: Buy her some flowers.

Q: What is the definition of confusion?
A: Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

Q. What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
A: Patient..!!

Swagalicous

Hey Plonkers, I've had such a hectic week organising the finer details for my birthday party thats happening this weekend.  It's gonna be fuckin LEGEN....wait for it.....DARY!  

So many things to to finalise.

I've been stressing trying to locate my parcel that my friend, Xmas Dolly sent from the states (you're a star).  It was sent over a month ago with my costume for the party and a few other bibs and bobs, and it's been sitting at South African customs since the 4th of June. 

Luckily, my BIL (Brother In Law) works at the airport and went to see if he could locate it for me.  Guess what?  He found it!  What a hero! After four days on the phone with the SAPO (useless MuthaFuckers - and I will say that on record).  You have no idea how many bloody phone calls I've made, how many minutes I've been on hold, how many times I've been cut off and shunted around.  I know the hold message off by fucking heart!  I must've spoken to at least a dozen people and not one ARSEHOLE could help me!!! 

Anyhoo, my parcel only arrived in my grubby paws today!  My Boerewors went to collect it from my BIL and bring it to work.  Three days before the party. 

So, turns out, that I had to run around sourcing other costume alternatives because, after all that, my outfit didn't fit.  How pissed off and disappointed was I?  Lets not even go there. 

I was pretty fucking bummed after I'd spent a damn fortune on it and another small fortune on postage and literally four days with the telephone glued to my now-cauliflower ear trying to locate the damn fucking parcel.

Poison Ivy was NOT meant to be.

Switch to Plan B

Amongst all that, I have one of my colleages off sick and in hospital with pneumonia.  It has put a lot of pressure on me. We have had two deadlines to make this week;   our Johannesburg publication and our Vaal publication.   Each publication has been pretty challenging to fill, and having to deal with all my colleague's clients in her absence, finalising orders, artwork and payments hasn't left any time for anything else.

So, bottom line, I'm sorry I haven't blogged anything of significance this week.  Nothing worth shite actually....

However...

I'm really super stoked to letting my hair down at my 40th birthday bash on Saturday night.  Having 50 of my friends and family to hang out with and dance the night away with.  Yeeeeeehawwww!

I have taken Friday off to prepare the venue with all the decor and decorations.  Lots to organise!  Fog machine, laser lights, jukebox, finish making centrepieces, assemble telephone booth, back drops, table cloths, overlays, food, make the punch, collect the cake, fetch the balloons and glue masks to the balloons, dye hair, have make up done, help with the kids costumes and face paint, the list seems endless.

So, another cop-out post today, I'm afraid.  At least these will make you laugh.


They certainly cheered me up today.

and my personal favourite....

Questions and Answers, Giveaway and a HATE comment

Hey my lovely Plonkettes, I haven't done one of these in a while and, because I had a number of questions over the holidays in comments and emails for y'all, I've decided to do another one.


The name of the game is simple....


You ask me a question that you've been burning to ask me and, as soon as I have everyone's questions, I make a separate post answering them.


Ready?


Shoot!

Oh and remember to enter my daft Caption my Photo Competition this week.  You can win a beautiful jewelry box for a friend, a girlfriend, a wife, a daughter, a mother, that special girl in your life!

Oh another thing, I got yet another nasty hate comment on my blog this week and it had me seething for all of about 15 minutes before I realised that this Fucker hides behind  "anonymous" and doesn't have the balls to put a name behind their hurtful comments. 

If I wanted to hear from an asshole, I'd fart

Whether you're teeming with frustration, overwhelmed with envy, or just plain in the mood, there are unlimited reasons to blast off an insult.  From fuck words to long-winded dialogues, back-handed compliments to in-yer-face jeers, sometimes you've gotta say what's really on yer mind.

The personal benefits of releasing such negative energy far outweigh someone else's hurt feelings, especially if they're a raging Plonker!

You'll feel empowered, in control, and generally truck loads better about yerself by taking down those doochebags around you.  In today's world, niceness is completely overrated.

Philosophers understand that the pleasure of a skillfully delivered insult, and the frequently ensuing amusement, comes from the enjoyment of contrasting our own superiority with the foibles of others.

Often we're in a situation where the moment presents itself to deliver the perfect cracker of a doozy but we're at a loss for what to say and what to insult.  Only afterwards do we think of what we should have said.  When this happens just remember The theory of relativity. 

Relatively speaking, someone is always fatter or skinnier, older or younger - even if only by a few ounces or days.  If they're dumber than a doorknob, pick on their intelligence (this is a personal favourite of mine).  If they're smarter, mock their arrogance.  If they're mean, impugn their character.  If, on the other hand, you find yourself at the  receiving end of a disparaging remark, you'll need a witty comeback. 

It's the survival of the fittest and morons lurk everywhere. 

Despite the age-old saying that "words will never hurt me" but we all know that a biting comment can be a devastatingly effective slap in the face. 

It's not easy being fucking mean but it sure is fun!

I'm no model and I'm okay with that because I really don't want to look like a Whippet or a Skank Ass Ho - 55

Its Freaky Friday

Lets get Jiggy

Put yer party had on and

Dance

Dance

Dance

Wiggle your bum and shimmy those shoulders

Grab a partner, girate a pose and smouler

A glass of wine should help the mood along

Some funky music to sing-a-long

Yeah its Friday

And its

P-A-R-T-Y

time.

Lets rock it, Fuckers!

Go ahead and offend as many skanks with these Bizarre T-shirts or Foul-Mouthed T-shirts.

I could totally work ANY of these bitches...

10 bucks for this one

Eternal Offensive Questions

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... But it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?


Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?


Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?


If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?


Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?


Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?


Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway.


Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?


Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?


If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?


Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?


If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?


Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?


Why did you just try singing the two songs above?


Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?


Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Who's got the answers?