One Line Offenders

Hi Plonkers....

Covering all the possibilities...

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
20 kgs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp instrument.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in grade 7.  Who has the biggest boobs?
The 18 year old blonde.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a police car?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
'Are you sure it's mine?'

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Boobs don't have eyes.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What's the difference between a South African zoo and an English zoo?
A South African zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say FUCK!?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time...'
A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shiit...'

Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.

Easily Offended? Fuck Off!

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mother...!!

Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

Q: What do the Gynecologist and the pizza delivery man have in common?
A: They both get to smell the goods but neither one of them can eat it.

Q: How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
A: The cake jumps out of the girl.

Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A: Full.

Q: What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q: How is pubic hair like parsley?
A: You push it to the side before you start eating.

Q: What is blonde, has six legs, and roams Michael Jackson's dreams
every night??
A: Hanson.

Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have
you done wrong?
A: Made her chain too long.

Q: What's somewhat brown and often found in children's underpants?
A: Michael Jackson's hand.

Q: How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
A: They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you
lose your house.

Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.

Q: What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A: A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody
at the party except you.

Q: What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling

Q: What are three words you dread the most while making love?
A: "Honey, I'm home."

Q: What's so good about an Ethiopian blow job?
A: You just KNOW she'll swallow.

Q: Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same
day in Iraq?
A: They don't want to wear out the camel.

Q: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelery.

Q: Do you know why women fake orgasm?
A: Because men fake foreplay.

Q: What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting
circumcised?
A: When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!

Q: A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
A: Dating children.

Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A: A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Q: Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
A: She knows she's given her last blow job.

Q: What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
A: Cough, gag, choke, etc.

Q: What did One gay sperm say to another?
A: How do we find an egg in all of this shit?

Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A: It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?

Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.

Q. How do you find a blonde in long grass?
A. Pleasing

Q. What has seventy-five balls and screws old ladies?
A. Bingo!

Q. How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when it is
bedtime?
A. When the big hand touches the little hand...

Q: When is a pixie not a pixie?
A: When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.

Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a "quickie", only you do it yourself.

Q: How does every ethnic joke start?
A: By looking over your shoulder.

Q: What's a Japanese girl's favourite holiday?
A: Erection day.

Q: How can you tell if a valentine card is from a leper?
A: The tongue's still in the envelope.

Q: Which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat, eggs, blow job?
A: The blow job. You can beat your wife, your eggs, or your meat; but
you just can't beat a blow job.

Q: What is the definition of Confidence?
A: When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her
on the ass and say, "You're next Baby... !"

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board A: It's
difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.

Q: What's pink and hard?
A: A pig with a flick knife.

Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
A: They are easier to keep amused.

Q: Why do seagulls have wings?
A: To beat the gypsies to the tip.

Q: Why did god invent alcohol?
A: So fat women can get laid too.

Q. How do you get three little old ladies to say the "F" word?
A. Have a fourth one yell "Bingo!"

Q: What do you get if you cross a pit bull with a hooker?
A: Your last blow job.

Q: Why did god create women?
A: Because dogs can't get beer out the fridge.

Q: What's 100 yards long and smells of piss?
A: The Post Office queue on Thursday mornings.

Q: What's the difference between a woman from Wigan and a walrus?
A: One's got a moustache and smells of fish and the other lives in the
sea.

Q: How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, but it takes 15 to write a paper entitled "coping with
darkness"

Q: Why don't blind people skydive?
A: It scares the shit out of the dog.

Q: What have women and condoms got in common?
A: If they're not on your dick they're in your wallet.

Q: What's the difference between PMT and BSE?
A: One's mad cow's disease and the other's an agricultural problem.

Q: Why was the washing machine laughing?
A: Because it was taking the piss out of the undies.

Q: What will Postman Pat be called when he retires?
A: Pat

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead
Lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: What's got four legs, and goes "Woof"?
A: Piper Alpha.

Q: How do you make a dog drink?
A: Put it in a liquidizer.

Q: What's got 500 legs and no pubic hair?
A: The front row at a Boyzone concert.

Q: What's got four legs and an arm?
A: A Rottweiler.

Q: What's got two legs and bleeds?
A: Half a dog..

Q: What do you do if your boiler explodes?
A: Buy her some flowers.

Q: What is the definition of confusion?
A: Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

Q. What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
A: Patient..!!

*Warning Offensive* Shite Below

The Foschini Group has withdrawn three T-shirts from their stores with immediate effect, the Cape Times reported on Wednesday.

The withdrawal comes after a petition by local feminist organisation, FeministsSA, because the t-shirts were deemed sexist.

Shocking styles and slogans.

The T-shirts, all for men, featured slogans such as 

“You looked better from behind”; 

“S: Stay I: Intoxicated N: Nightly G: Get L: Laid E: Every day”

and 

“I put the STD in STUD, all I need is U”. 

Available at Markhams and Sports Scene stores, the T-shirts were meant to be tongue-in-cheek, but had caused offence to some customers.

Designer defends t-shirts.

Harry Fokker (I shite you not!) the designer of the t-shirts, explained that the purpose of these T-shirts was “satirical” and that they were “meant to be humorous, to use controversy”. 

Fokker was also quoted as saying that Markham’s withdrawal of the t-shirts was an “unfortunate outcome”.

In their petition to the Foschini Group, FeministsSA took a firm stand on the views expressed by Fokker

“Fokker’s use of images and slogans that are explicitly misogynistic on Markham t-shirts is neither humorous nor satirical. In the South African context in which rates of violence against women are among the world’s highest. His T-shirts display, at best, foolish naïvete, at worst, casual bigotry,” they stated.

Social networking storm

Using social networking sites, Twitter and Facebook, FeministsSA asked its followers to boycott all Foschini stores until all the offensive sweaters had been removed. The request, along with the petition included on thepetitionsite.com, caused an uproar which ultimately prompted the Group to remove the T-shirts.

Crossing the line

The Foschini Group’s communications manager Kathryn Sakalis said “We have hundreds of Ts with different slogans. Those withdrawn are three we felt crossed the line between humorous and offensive," she said. 

Offensive?  They should read some of my fucking t-shirts!

My favourite at the moment?

"Some say I have a bad attitude.  I say FUCK 'EM!"  

That one is dedicated to Harry Fokker!

Put THAT in yer pipe and smoke it, Foschini.  Its called Satire and its fucking funny!!

The Hardest Button To Button

Pick one and move along swiftly, Fuckers!

How To Offend Just About Everyone!

Oh Yes, today someone WILL be offended!  Take THAT MONDAY!

Subtle or What?

• I'm living next door to a muslim couple at the moment. They have 3 little kids and they've challenged me to a water fight in the back yard, so I'm just writing to you while the kettle boils! 
• Can you spare just R2.00? Ranji is a 9yr old boy living in Zambia . He has only 1 leg, 1 arm and 1 eye. Each day he has to ride 7 miles to school along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and only 1 pedal. If you send us just R2.00, we will send you the video - its fucking hilarious. 
• I've caught a stray parrot in my garden. All he says is, "good morning you ugly prick." It's not yours is it? 
• I'm sick to death of people knocking on my door looking for donations. Just had one from the sperm bank. Boy, did I give her a mouthful. 
• Been to the optometrist today - he told me I was color blind. I'm fucking worried now that some of my buddies could be black. If you are, can you delete my e-mail address? 
• There's a new anti-depressant for lesbians on the market: Trycoxagain. 
• In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one damn point. The question was where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, it's Africa.
• One of the other questions was to name two things commonly found in cells. It appears that Nigerians and Zimbabweans is not the correct answer 
• George Clooney is to star in a new film about Gary Glitter, called "Oh, She's Eleven."
• There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in Durban but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets.  
• You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools!
• A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems. "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor. "Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair." 
• A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother's got a moustache."