Thursday, 19 July 2012

Easily Offended? Fuck Off!


Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mother...!!

Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

Q: What do the Gynecologist and the pizza delivery man have in common?
A: They both get to smell the goods but neither one of them can eat it.

Q: How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
A: The cake jumps out of the girl.

Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A: Full.

Q: What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q: How is pubic hair like parsley?
A: You push it to the side before you start eating.

Q: What is blonde, has six legs, and roams Michael Jackson's dreams
every night??
A: Hanson.

Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have
you done wrong?
A: Made her chain too long.

Q: What's somewhat brown and often found in children's underpants?
A: Michael Jackson's hand.

Q: How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
A: They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you
lose your house.

Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.

Q: What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A: A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody
at the party except you.

Q: What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling

Q: What are three words you dread the most while making love?
A: "Honey, I'm home."

Q: What's so good about an Ethiopian blow job?
A: You just KNOW she'll swallow.

Q: Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same
day in Iraq?
A: They don't want to wear out the camel.

Q: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelery.

Q: Do you know why women fake orgasm?
A: Because men fake foreplay.

Q: What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting
circumcised?
A: When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!

Q: A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
A: Dating children.

Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A: A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Q: Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
A: She knows she's given her last blow job.

Q: What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
A: Cough, gag, choke, etc.

Q: What did One gay sperm say to another?
A: How do we find an egg in all of this shit?

Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A: It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?

Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.

Q. How do you find a blonde in long grass?
A. Pleasing

Q. What has seventy-five balls and screws old ladies?
A. Bingo!

Q. How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when it is
bedtime?
A. When the big hand touches the little hand...

Q: When is a pixie not a pixie?
A: When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.

Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a "quickie", only you do it yourself.

Q: How does every ethnic joke start?
A: By looking over your shoulder.

Q: What's a Japanese girl's favourite holiday?
A: Erection day.

Q: How can you tell if a valentine card is from a leper?
A: The tongue's still in the envelope.

Q: Which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat, eggs, blow job?
A: The blow job. You can beat your wife, your eggs, or your meat; but
you just can't beat a blow job.

Q: What is the definition of Confidence?
A: When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her
on the ass and say, "You're next Baby... !"

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board A: It's
difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.

Q: What's pink and hard?
A: A pig with a flick knife.

Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
A: They are easier to keep amused.

Q: Why do seagulls have wings?
A: To beat the gypsies to the tip.

Q: Why did god invent alcohol?
A: So fat women can get laid too.

Q. How do you get three little old ladies to say the "F" word?
A. Have a fourth one yell "Bingo!"

Q: What do you get if you cross a pit bull with a hooker?
A: Your last blow job.

Q: Why did god create women?
A: Because dogs can't get beer out the fridge.

Q: What's 100 yards long and smells of piss?
A: The Post Office queue on Thursday mornings.

Q: What's the difference between a woman from Wigan and a walrus?
A: One's got a moustache and smells of fish and the other lives in the
sea.

Q: How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, but it takes 15 to write a paper entitled "coping with
darkness"

Q: Why don't blind people skydive?
A: It scares the shit out of the dog.

Q: What have women and condoms got in common?
A: If they're not on your dick they're in your wallet.

Q: What's the difference between PMT and BSE?
A: One's mad cow's disease and the other's an agricultural problem.

Q: Why was the washing machine laughing?
A: Because it was taking the piss out of the undies.

Q: What will Postman Pat be called when he retires?
A: Pat

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead
Lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: What's got four legs, and goes "Woof"?
A: Piper Alpha.

Q: How do you make a dog drink?
A: Put it in a liquidizer.

Q: What's got 500 legs and no pubic hair?
A: The front row at a Boyzone concert.

Q: What's got four legs and an arm?
A: A Rottweiler.

Q: What's got two legs and bleeds?
A: Half a dog..

Q: What do you do if your boiler explodes?
A: Buy her some flowers.

Q: What is the definition of confusion?
A: Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

Q. What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
A: Patient..!!


6 comments:

Becky said...

Bwa ha ha ha. These are excellent. I'm going to have to write them down somewhere.

The Glebe Blog said...

Some old, some new, some borrowed, all blue.(or offensive lol)

Jay Paoloni said...

I took down almost all of them!
Thanks for sharing.
I needed some nice laugh today

And by the way, my mother always said I'm the cutest one.
There you have it.

Wreckless Euroafrican said...

Brilliant - just what I needed this morning!
Salagatle!

AimeeKay said...

Love the jokes!

Semi Madman said...

LOL!!! Excellent. I am going to have to use some of those my next night out. See how many fights I get into!

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