Sunday, 8 September 2013

One Line Offenders

Hi Plonkers....

Covering all the possibilities...

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
20 kgs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp instrument.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in grade 7.  Who has the biggest boobs?
The 18 year old blonde.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a police car?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
'Are you sure it's mine?'

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Boobs don't have eyes.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What's the difference between a South African zoo and an English zoo?
A South African zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say FUCK!?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time...'
A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shiit...'

Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.


Mick said...

There is a Disneyland in Hong Kong........and that's Chinese..........LOL oops!!!!!!!

Gillian said...

Mick, the limits on the rides are probably drastically reduced...

Blasé said...

What 70s song is the latest Tampon jingle?

-'Stuck in the Middle with You'

KK said...

The fairytale one is oh so true!

Grossly Offended Oke said...

Oi Daft Lass,

"Hello Plonkers" offends my male member greatly.

He has risen up, and taken a stand against this abusive hate speech.

He kindly requests 'While in Rome do as Silvio does, so please, while in SA do as the kortbroekies do' :-

cake - idiot
chop - idiot
doffie - fool
doos - asshole
mamparra - rich, dumb asshole, ala "the emperor's new clothes"
moegoe - dumb-shit (but note, for fekkin' moron use "chief justice moegoe")

Oh my Franc, has he just started the War of the Words:-?

A Daft Scots Lass said...

Dear Offended Oke

Holy Shite Fucktart, keep yer kortbroekies on! It's okay to have a dick, it's even alright to be proud of your pencil dick. But don't whip it out in goddamn public and wave it the fuck around. I find THAT offensive.

If I offended you - you've just made my fucking day, Plonker! Now shut the fuck up go feed your "chief justic moegoe"

Grossly offended oke said...

LMFAO - thanks for taking offense, I'll be laughing about this until the end of this year, or 2012-12-12, whichever comes first.

PS. pouting princess, it is "faint hearted" : "feint hearted" is entirely different, more like what I played on you.

A Daft Scots Lass said...

@Grossly Offended Oke Don't use all your laughs up in one go, dude. You may just do yerself an injury.

P.S. I don't pout and I've never perched a Tiara on this pretty wee head.

P.P.S Offended by my grammatically challenged profile? Another point for me! Who are you? The fucking pedantic Grammar Police?

"Offended" "Oke" said...

There, there, Gillian - do you feel a bit better now?

I must be a real masochist to keep setting myself up for another tirade of verbal insults from you, and you would be a real sadist not to hand it out fast and furious :-)

Have a great weekend,
or as per the vernacular on,
F-off and go home now.

PS - Did you really think that an "oke" would manage stringing more than seven words together without serious grammar and spelling issues?

I enjoy winding people up (all intended in jest - though when one is in a thread covering no holds barred insults, the line between hard cold reality and even harder and colder fantasy is probably invisible), and it seems that I succeeded here - though I wonder if I risked causing you an aneurism in the process ;-)

Go well.

A Daft Scots Lass said...

To tell you the truth, I wouldn't waste an aneurysm on someone who enjoys "winding people" up for kicks.

Have a brilliant weekend.

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Lass, those are hilarious! You nailed the difference in fairy tales. Sometimes they also begin with 'Hey everybody, watch this...'

Paula said...

Thanks Lass. I really needed this today. Still laughing....

Stacey Merrill said...

absolutely classic. The Fairytale one is too true & love the speech impediment Italian. I married into a family of them & have learned when to duck during a good story.

Lanthie Ransom said...

Love it!


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