I thought yesterday’s surgery with my wee Kaylin was going to be a simple procedure at the hospital and it turned out to be really fucking scary!
I tried to keep the mood light with her, being silly and fooling around, taking silly photos of us.
The nurses weighed her, took her height asked her all sorts of questions. I could see on her wee face that she was nervous, because every time a nurse walked into the ward, the tears would fall down her cheeks and she’d look at me and say “Mummy, I want to go home!”.
I asked her if she was feeling scared and she nodded her head yes. She was trying so hard to be brave and to hide her fears behind her smile, but I told her she doesn’t have to hide that she’s scared.
I told her it was okay to feel sad but that it would be all over very soon and she wouldn’t feel a thing. It was then that she cried silently while playing her Nintendo. I just sat beside her, watched her play Super Mario, holding her tight and wiping away her tears.A nurse came in with her pre-med and she took it like a champ. She mentioned she was thirsty and hungry and I reminded her why couldn’t eat. Wee button! My heart wanted to break.
Eventually, the Theatre Sister came to fetch us and KK asked me to carry her. When we reached pr-op area, KK wouldn’t leave my side, she sat on my lap and the nurse had to help me put on my theatre booties, gown and hat because Kayiln wouldn’t let go of my hand or get off my lap. I looked like a daft alien, but that didn’t even make KK laugh. She was so scared but faked a smile – for me, I think!
My heart was pounding walking down the corridor to the operating room. I was so emotional and KK didn’t know what to expect either. The theatre was sterile and extremely cold - such an unwelcoming place. I was worried she was going to freeze because all she was wearing was a thin hosptial gown that tied at the back and teeny weeny shorts.
The anaesthetist asked Kaylin to lie on the bed. She shook her head no and was NOT having any of it. She clung to me like a wee koala bear and sobbed. The nurse then pulled up a chair and the anaesthetist stood behind me. He showed me the mask behind KK's back and I told her that the doctor was going to put a mask on her - like when she’s sick and we neubulise. She’s totally familiar with this procedure because for the first two years of her life she lived on that fucking machine. Bronchitis and pneumonia on and off all the fucking time. We have our own personal nebs machine at home.The anaesthetist put the mask over her nose and mouth and she just looked up at me, holding my hand tight, blinking. I smiled down at her, kissed her forehead and said “I love you, darling and Mummy will be here when you wake up”.
She started blinking slower and slower and her breathing got slow and deep. She looked like she was fully asleep and her wee body was getting heavy and limp. All of a sudden she started flinging her arms around, straightened her legs and planking her body. She was fighting it -thrashing around for what seemed like forever.
I think this is what upset me the most.
The fact that this teeny wee lass was fighting like a fucking marine. Arms and legs everywhere, buckin like a mule,it totally broke my heart. When she finally stopped, which felt like forever, I placed her down on the table and then they asked me to leave. The tears poured down my cheeks and I wasn’t sure why. I walked down the hallway back to the Ward and I couldn’t stop crying. My wee lassie was in that freezing, horrid smelling room with all those strangers, poking in her mouth!The waiting was the worst.
I was pacing up and down the corridors; I went to the gift shop and got a hot chocolate and some of Kaylin’s favourite chocolates. I wanted her to have a packet of Rolos to look forward to when she woke up. I realised I was so scared that I was actually making myself nauseous.
It w,as then I realised I wished I’d asked my Boerewors to come with me. He gives me strength when I can’t hold it together. I felt helpless for over an hour. Terrible feeling.I could hear her screaming from the other end of the Ward when she was wheeled out from post-op. She was thrashing around and trying to hit the two nurses that were trying to hold her down.
I ran up to her and picked her up. The nurses said “We were worried she was going to hurt herself, she’s got so many bruises already”.
What the Fuck?I guess they didn’t know how much a tomboy she is. That the collection of bruises on her legs and knees are because she loves to skid down our wooden floors on her knees and pretend to be a rock star playing air guitar. Generally she is Miss Clumsy and is forever bumping into things and falling over shit. What the fuck were they trying to say? Wankers.
I just focused on Kaylin and trying to calm her down. She was flapping her arms around like she wanted to fucking take off! Jaysus, that girl can fight! I was bobbing and weaving trying to duck her punches. I had to eventually wrap her in a blanket , hold her tight and rock her until she fell asleep. This was emotionally and physiclly exhausting for me - that wee 17g lass will give Hulk a run for his fucking money!I guess you don’t know how someone will react until you’re in the situation.
I’m just glad it’s all over. I think I’m more shaken up than KK was because when we got home and after she’d had a wee nap, she asked to play The Sims and eat MacDonalds.
|Wee bits of Rolos makes EVERYTHING better|
|Snoozing at home|