[A Daft Scots Lass]

Thursday, 5 December 2013

Yes, But Can He Dance?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets. I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed covert operations for the CIA.

I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four-course meals using only a Mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet shoved a short-shafted broom up my arse and swept the floor while I complete all these tasks.

Wednesday, 4 December 2013

Winner Winner Chicken Dinner

Can you believe I let these two Dafties choose this week's Caption my Photo Winner?

S'troo, I tell ye....

Megan and Kyle

....and they chose. Da Da-Da Daaaaah

Janie Smit

Congratulations! Now all I need is for you to email me your mailing address and I'll be sending you a wee festive something from A Daft Scots Lass

and here is what she captioned

Eliminated from Ultimate Braai Master? Take this Justin Bonello.

Tuesday, 3 December 2013

Join The Instagram Whore

Its December, ChickenPlonkers and I'm doing the #FMSphotoaday Challenge.

Why donchya pop on over to Instagram, add me and join me in the December Christmas Photo a Day Challenge.

Should be a Ho-ho-hoot.

Day One : Red

Day Two : Where I Stood

Day Three : Silver

Monday, 2 December 2013

Monday Music Moves Me - Chirstmas Month

Happy Monday and another week starts....and another month - The Christmas Month.

Have you got your Christmas decorations up yet?

Some of you may remember this one. This is a Christmas Vlog I did last year for Christmas

They don't call me daft for nothin'

Now pop over to Xmas Dolly, link up and share you favourite Christmas toonz.