Thursday, 5 December 2013

Yes, But Can He Dance?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets. I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed covert operations for the CIA. 

I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four-course meals using only a Mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet shoved a short-shafted broom up my arse and swept the floor while I complete all these tasks.


cat said...

BTw - love you accent. (maybe I have said that before?)

I love being in my 40's - liberating I tell you.

Mark said...

Great idea to do a Vlog. It's great to hear what Bloggers actually sound like. I'm too scared to do it myself. Good for you! m.

Oilfield Trash said...

Love the accent.

DCHY said...

Loved the post! I was smiling big time. birthday is just few days before yours. ;) said...

Wasn't it your 39th last year?

And the year before?


Kidding. <3

Copyboy said...

39? I know how you felt one year ago!!! You don't look a day over 29. ;) BTW...can you buy a book on the Amazon Basin on Amazon?

the late phoenix said...

there's nothing quite as special as a vlog, amirite? it enlivens a blog post like nothing else can

age ain't nuttin' but a number, that's what the old lady down the street keeps telling me anyways

happy b-day, daft lass!

Stacy Uncorked said...

You are so stinkin' cute! Are you sure you're not coming up on your 29th birthday? ;)

WW: Alligator Fun

Sandra said...

I think you need to work on the whole "broom stick up your ass" skill.
And LOVED the vlog! There's just something so sexy about a redhead with an accent, oh ya baby!

David L Macaulay said...

cool - you really do have a Scottish accent and are clearly not an imposter.

A Daft Scots Lass said...

@cat @Oilfied @the late phoenix @Sandra Thanx

@Mark I dare you!

@DCHY what date?

@LII sssshhhh!

@Copyboy of course!

@Stacy You fucking rock!! YOu're my new BFF.

@David was there any doubt that I was?

DCHY said...

I just had my wife listen to your vlog. She said your accent is clearly Scottish and you have a pleasant voice/accent. Cool. :)

Ryan said...

Happy birthday, have you asked for a new brush?

A Daft Scots Lass said...

@cat @Oilfield @DCHY Thank you!

@Mark oh go on, try it. YOu'll get hooked.

@Lost Shhhhhhh!

@Ryan my short-shafted one will do fine thanx.

MelB said...

Love the way you say JA with a scottish accent. :-)

Marcelle said...

Where do I find my volume button on this iPad, can't hear a blerrie thing <~;)

Angel said...

LOL, when can I see you do the full-contact origami!?

Mich said...

I think you should do books on tape.



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