No, I Don't Want the Fucking Extended Warranty [The 7 Phases of Trolley Rage]

I do a lot of shopping. 

I love shopping for shoes, clothes, make-up, I'll even go shopping for toys for the girls and sports gear but I detest going grocery shopping. 

There is just something about it that just PISSES ME OFF and thats even before I get to the shops.  It causes rage and irritation and it digs down deep and has bred a new social disease. 

Trolley Rage

I just know a visit to the local Pick 'n Pay will rile me up into a fury that is not pretty and could scare a fucking WWF professional.  I know how it will end up, and what kind of mood its going to elicit but yet, I have to go. 

I will point out the reasons why I hate it.  But first, I need to start at the beginning and explain the tools of the trade - The aparatus needed to complete the grating task.

According to The Daft Scots Lass, there are three types of supermarket trolley equipment:

• The old-fashioned wire kind. Oh yeah, these are the best for smash-up derbys at yer local Spar and they do the most damage during Trolley Rage, but that's later in the post.  These are my personal favourite as they have an aggressive appearance and they make brilliant crashing noises when you offensively bash them against something or someone.
• The plastic, more modern, kind.  These are amiable and good-natured pieces of shopping paraphernalia.  Kind and gentle mothers seem to prefer them as they are more eco- and child-friendly. 
• The Car Trolleys or Car Carts.  You know, the ones that have a car attached to the trolley to keep the kiddies entertained.  These generally come with four wheels and a steering wheel and are few and far between and, if you can't find one, it causes a 3 year old melt-down before you even get into the shop.

Right, so now that I have discussed the equipment, I am now ready to select one and proceed into the shop.  Seems pretty simple, right? 

Wrong.

Those fucking trolleys are normally jammed so tight together, like two shagging dogs.  You literally have to perform a Tug o' War demonstration to pry them apart.  Their sticky handles don't help either.  I just pray that its not someone's booger or earwax that's causing the slimey texture. 

This is Trolley Rage Phase #1.
 
Now don't get me wrong, I don't go grocery shopping with Trolley Rage in mind, it just happens...

Now that I've tugged at the trolleys, almost dislocating my shoulder joint, I proceed into the shop and down Isle #1.  This is where I usually find out that my trolley has one sweaky, wonky wheel and pulls to the left.  

I have now reached my 2nd Phase of Trolley Rage! 

My clutch on the trolley's handle has tightened, my face has changed to a deep shade of pink and I'm grinding my teeth.

I proceed.

I have now got a handful of items successfully nestled in my trolley and I'm pressing on and increasing my speed.  I am not currently aware of this, as my trolley is not fitted with a Speedometre or a Global Positioning device. 

I have now reached some of the essential items on my grocery list but the shelf where they are normally located is marked "Out of Stock". 

This is where Trolley Rage Phase #3 kicks in. 

I am at the point where I spin around quicker than a flash, looking for a shop assistant to blast, someone to verbally abuse.  It usually ends up in the shop assistant shrugging and me giving him the evil eye, then barking profanities and pointing my fingers about 3 inches from the poor bloke's eyeball. 

Frustration...

The Trolley Rage now rapidly shifts into Phase #4. 

It is increasing in speed and strength and so am I. When I am unable to reach items on the two top shelves, because I'm only five foot nothing, I stand on my tip toes.  I have to stand on the first shelf only to slide off and scrape my shin and start bleeding Eventually I have to jump up and stretch to reach it.  Other rude shoppers snigger at me battling instead of trying to help me.  Fuckers!  Not even the shop assistant whats to help me as he's had enough of my abuse and is taking his sweet revenge.  I kick the trolley.

I'm trudge through. 

A dirty Bitch fondelling all the bread rolls and puting them back, engages Phase #5!

My anger is building, growing.  I start flinging items in the trolley, the trolley's pull to the left is becoming noticeably worse.  I've started bashing displays at the end of each isle causing a few spokes of the wire trolley to fuse into one another.  I start snapping at the children. I open bars of chocolate to keep them quiet but the steam is now starting to emerge from my ears and my eyes now have the appearance of a constipated Asian.  I call them my Anger Slits.

When I get to the check-out, The Teller and The Packer, who have a combined IQ of 50, insist in conversing with each other at top volume.   They do not acknowledging my presence at all.  I clatter the trolley to try and get their attention.  Another dent - no luck in getting their attention though.  Fuckers!

Phase #6 explodes. 

I'm now feeling the warefare approach and I have battlefield images flashing through my mind.  I want blood! 

Get out of the shop, Retreat!  Abort Mission! Abort!

We are out of the store!

Cue celebratory gun fire!!!

Its all over, until next month's grocery expedition. 

Trolley Rage guilt doesn't last long especially when I discovery that Pick 'n Pay have now opened a new lucrative division:  Trolley Panel Beaters.

Remember to go caption this week's Freaky Photo and win a wee something from A Daft Scots Lass

Winners Showing Off Their Kick-Ass Daft Scots Lass Tattoos

Isn't it interesting how all of the brilliant Caption My Freaky Photo Winners chose to put their temporary ink on their hands?  I recently asked the winners to send me a snapshot of themselves wearing the tattoos that they won by dazzling me with their witty and talented captions to my silly photos.

I was so pleased to get these back - Awesome or what?  

They Call Me Sausage Fingers

Colourful Rants of a Fed Up Sista

Daddy Can't Hear You

Cat told me that her kids got hold of her tats and stuck them on her glass partition at work. She took a shot of that!
 

Cat - Juggling Act of Life

Thanx to all of the winners who sent in their pictures to me and Big Ups to everone who regularly participates in my weekly Caption My Freak Photo Competition.  You make me smile more than you know.

You Plonkers are The Fucking Bomb! 

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Keeping Motivated to Train During Winter

With the temperatures plummeting this time of year and days being shorter, many of us tend to hibernate inside our homes.

I know I do, coz I hate winter!  

Most of you who know me well, know that I don't want to go anywhere or do anything, I just want to stay home and stay warm during winter.I become a real Grumpy Arse and complain about the cold all winter through. 

But, hibernating is for bears. 

As humans it’s important to stay active through all four seasons. Yet some Wanker who did a poll of 5,000 people found that 30% percent of us lazy bastids get no exercise at all during the winter months.

Just because it is cold outside doesn’t make it open season for an excuse not to exercise. Right?  Urgh! I suppose so...

Oh Fucking Shut up!  I hate shedding the clothes when the temperature outside is freezing.  Just the thought of disrobing to hit the orbitrek, work out for an hour and then having to strip again to have a shower to freshen up and get changed again, its horrific.  

And I do all of that during my lunch time every week day at work!

I hear you saying "Is she fucking insane?".

Well, yeah, you're only figuring that out now?

I train during my lunch time because I can't and will NOT get up early in the mornings.  My middle name is Garfield - I am NOT a morning person at all and that's when temps are at their coldest!! 

I'm certainly not going to cut my time with my hubby and children at night time to go and train after work.  Besides, who will make supper, tidy up, do the chores, empty school bags, do the homework....

Therefore, I choose to train during my lunch hour and yes I do fit it in.  

I make time. 

The important thing is to accept its going to be cold but do not accept the excuses that you will come up with not to exercise.  And lemmie tell you its soopa easy to find plenty excuses during winter.

• Have a plan. Try to exercise 4-5 times a week. Make it a priority!  Schedule it on your Blackberry, iPhone or on your Calendar. That should be your goal.  Just get it done, like everything else on your To Do List. We all have 168hrs in every week. Do not feed yourself any excuses about having no time or you have something else on, there is NOTHING in your life as important as your health and fitness. 

• Out of those 168hrs you only have to exercise 4-5. To me, that's not a bad ratio.

• Get warm first. A proper warm-up is critical especially when cold temperatures can make your muscles tight and therefore they are more prone to injuries.  So, it’s important to get them warmed-up prior to engaging in intense physical activity. Be sure to spend at least 10 minutes warming up and another 5mins going through your ROM stretching.

• Insulate your body. The best approach to dressing for outdoor exercise is with layers. Layering provides the most effective heating method, plus it allows you to remove the top layer if you get too hot. The layer closest to your skin should allow moisture to be wicked away. The top layer should be both wind and water resistant.

• No sweat. Don’t assume that you have to sweat in order to get a good workout. You should avoid sweating that causes the clothing layer closest to your skin to get wet and cause you to be chilled. Instead monitor your intensity through a heart rate monitor or the Rating of Your Perceived Exertion.

• Don’t strip when you get inside. While you may be tempted to immediately remove your layers when returning inside, give your body time to adjust. Post exercise hypothermia is possible. This happens when your body rapidly loses its heating stores.

• Drink up. It’s just as important to stay hydrated when exercising in winter as it is in summer, even though you might not feel as thirsty.

• Lighten up. If possible, it’s best to exercise outdoors during daylight areas. But, with shorten days that can be difficult to do.

By staying fit during winter you’ll be able to avoid gaining weight and becoming a blob.  Have a head start on swimsuit season (I haven't worn a fucking bikini for 20 years and I don't plan to start again) avoid losing strength and stamina caused from inactivity. 

Once the weather fines up people are signing up with the gym again and the aerobics classes become a mad-house but, never fear, it only ever lasts a month or two. Then its back to normal sized classes and the same old regular faces.

Think about it over winter - would you rather gain 5kgs or lose 5kgs?  Both are totally possible and probable depending on the route you take. 

I plan to loose 5kg - wish me luck!

Lets hit the gym! 

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Caption My Freaky Photo Competition #9

Hey Plonkers, its Toozday and that means its Caption my Freaky Photo Competition. 

This weeks beaut is this one.  Leave a comment to Caption it and win a wee something special.  Oh yeah!!!

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Monday Music Moves Me

Its Monday's Music Moves Me over at Xmas Dolly go and visit and sign up and join us sharing our favourite music.  Today's is Dolly's birthday and her 2nd Blogversary and so we're posting songs just for her!


Happy Birthday, Dolly! and Happy 2nd Blogversary!  Have a Blast! 

Remember to come back tomorrow and visit and leave a comment for "Caption my Freaky Photo"

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