Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!

Have you ever wondered how much time you spend sleeping or perched on the loo?  Have you ever wondered how much the average Plonker eats in his lifetime?  Or how long your hair would've grown had you not been ripped off by that scabby barber for that last haircut. 


Did you know?

• Your blood travels about 96 000km through your body every day?  Holy crapiola! That's six times the distance from Cape Town to Tunisia in North Africa.

• You have almost 100 000 hairs on just yer pretty wee head.
• If you were to add up the hours spent every day in front of the telly is would come to 12 years.
• At the age of 10 you have about 17 friends but by the time you reach the big 4-0 you'll have only two good mates.
• An amazing 17 million Plonkers have their birthday on the same day as you.  That's the number of people living in Beijing, China.
• The average FuckKnob laughs about 18 times a day.
• Most fat-arses eat almost 30 tons of food in their lifetime.  That's the weight of 50 elephants! It would take six years for you to consume this quantity if you ate steadily and constantly.
• Us working bastards spend 10 years of our lives at work.
• If you were to add up all the time you spend on the shitter taking either a dump, or a whizz it would equate to three years.
• Waiting sucks but in your lifetime you'll spend seven months stuck in traffic and two months on the phone holding for some Doochenozzle to answer your call.
• The average heart beats more or less 2.5 billion times in a lifetime.  No wonder I'm always knackered.
• Nearly 100 people die annually from choking on ballpoint pens.
• You manufacture about 1.7 litres of saliva a day.  That's enough to fill two swimming pools with gob during your lifetime!
• If you're left-handed you may live nine years less than someone who's right-handed. I shit you not.
• Next time you sneeze remember that those little Germ Fuckers travel at 160km per hour

Do you need a silencer if you're going to shoot a mime?

Don't forget to enter my Mother's Day Giveaway.  It ends 10 May so you still have a chance to win. Click on the Banner on my sidebar or on the link.  You know you want to.   

Trust in me...

The A to Z Challenge continues after our second pause. 

Today's letter is the letter T and The Motto is

Trust

Today's Insult


Turd  - the alternative to Shite.

When you call someone a Turd as an insult, its probably a level 1 insult.  Level 1 being the first rung of the ladder and the most mild of insults.

You can even order Turbs, Nerds and The Total Absurd for Kindle at Amazon.com.  Best 8 bucks you'll ever spend!

Monday Music Moves Me's theme is One Hit Wonders

Come get a good whiff of my Vanilla Scented Merkin

Most of you will know and understand  my love for useless inventions and freaky shit.  I rake the interwebz for shizzle like this that makes me giggle.  Have a squizz, Plonkers!  


Happy Wednesday...

#1  Kitty Wigs

Have you ever taken a good look at your feline friend and bemoaned the fact that it didn’t quite look like a mid-1980s Cher? Apparently, you’re not alone! Kitty Wigs produces a variety of cat-sized wigs, guaranteed to make your cat look even more resentful of your presence than it does already. I shite you not, Plonkers!  Maybe you can make your cat wear this electric blue masterpiece when you attend next year's gay parade or better still, attend one of those brilliant Broadway musicals.  Meow!

#2  The Merkin

Have you ever been about to stand naked in front of a large crowd of people and been horrified to discover that you didn’t have enough pubic hair? Perhaps you’re in need of a good Merkin. This handy-dandy pubic wig will disguise your embarrassingly bare genitals…when you’re naked…in public. Be sure to get the police take a full-body mug shot when you’re picked up for public indecency.  Pink to make the boys wink, right?

#3 Magic Briefcase

Are you tired of watching some enterprising thief get away with all of your belongings? Do you secretly wish your name was Chuck and had a gun loaded with ammo to defend yourself?  You can show them the non-violent way! Buy yourself one of these innovative Anti-Bandit Bags, engineered to fall to pieces should some criminal try to wrestle your briefcase from your grasp. Won’t that criminal be disappointed when he tries to take off with your possessions and instead finds them strewn about all over the ground.  Take that, Fucker!

#4 Get A Grip

 Have you ever said to yourself, “Jaysus, I’m too fucking stupid to properly hold a wine glass!”. Do you wonder how you might make it abundantly clear that you are a Plonker in front of your group of sophisticated wine club drinkers?  Look no further! The “Get a Grip” wine glass grip puts a bright red grip on your wine glass that says to the world, “I am a drunk blonde wino and you should call AA right now to find out when the next meeting is.”

# 5 Neuticles

Do you feel all fucking shitty about what you did to Fido? No, not the peanut butter thing, the other thing when you took him to the vet and got his nuts removed? What is your best friend going to lick for the rest of his life? The answer is Neuticles! These fake dog testicles allows your dog’s junk to return to its former glory. Now he’ll have something to do while you visit your therapist.