55 Flash Fiction Friday - Episode 14

Join me in playing this writing game with hundreds of other bloggers including G-Man, Steveroni and Brian Miller  called 55 Flash Fiction Fridays.

The small pleasures in life are often the best 

A hot bubble bath on a cold winters evening 

A bar of chocolate while watching your favourite TV show 

A tender kiss on the cheek from your beloved 

A tight squeeze from your child 

“I love you” whispered in our ear. 

What more do we need?

FlogYoBlog Friday over at MummyTime.  Go check it out! 

Over at One Crazy Brunette Chick
Fek You to the asswipe who parked me in at KK's school this morning.
Fek You to the skank who rammed my heels at the shops and almost caused me to cry...almost!
Fek You to the shitbag hadida bird that shat on my car.  I never thought a bird could cause such a splatter.

Is that a Banana in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?

After reading this, you'll never look at a banana in the same way again.  And no I'm not talking about phallic bananas either (thats a whole other Xrated blog post)...

Profound Banana Philosophy 1:
If a person walking down an empty desert highway early in the morning slips on a banana peel, falls and kills themself, does it make a sound?  Banana Peel : The silent, but deadly killer.

Bananas contain three natural sugars - sucrose, fructose and glucose combined with fibre. A banana gives an instant, sustained and substantial boost of energy. Research has proven that just two bananas provide enough energy for a strenuous 90-minute workout. No wonder the banana is the number one fruit with the world's leading athletes.
But energy isn't the only way a banana can help us keep fit. It can also help overcome or prevent a substantial number of illnesses and conditions, making it a must to add to our daily diet.

The amazing health benefits of bananas:

Depression
According to a recent survey undertaken by MIND amongst people suffering from depression, many felt much better after eating a banana. This is because bananas contain tryptophan, a type of protein that the body converts into serotonin, known to make you relax, improve your mood and generally make you feel happier. So ditch your Prozac, skanks for a Nana!

PMS
Forget the pills - eat a banana! The vitamin B6 it contains regulates blood glucose levels, which can affect your mood.

Anaemia
High in iron, bananas can stimulate the production of haemoglobin in the blood and so helps in cases of anaemia.

Blood Pressure
This unique tropical fruit is extremely high in potassium yet low in salt, making it perfect to beat high blood pressure. So much so, the US Food and Drug Administration has just allowed the banana industry to make official claims for the fruit's ability to reduce the risk of blood pressure and stroke.

Brain Power
Two hundred students at a school in England were helped through their exams this year by eating bananas at breakfast, break, and at lunch, in a bid to boost their brain power. Research has shown that the potassium-packed fruit can assist learning by making pupils more alert.

Constipation
High in fibre, bananas included in the diet can help restore normal bowel action, helping to overcome the problem without resorting to laxatives.

Hangovers
One of the quickest ways of curing a hangover from hell is to make a banana milkshake, sweetened with honey. The banana calms the stomach and, with the help of the honey, builds up depleted blood sugar levels, while the milk soothes and rehydrates your system.

Heartburn
Bananas have a natural antacid effect in the body, so if you suffer from heartburn, try eating a banana for soothing relief.

Morning Sickness
Snacking on bananas between meals helps to keep blood sugar levels up and avoid morning sickness.

Mosquito Bites
Before reaching for the insect bite cream, try rubbing the affected area with the inside of a banana skin. Many people find it amazingly successful at reducing swelling and irritation.

Nerves
Bananas are high in B vitamins that help calm the nervous system.

Swap these for a banana when you snack at work

Overweight and at Work?
Studies at the Institute of Psychology in Austria found pressure at work leads to gorging on comfort food like chocolate and chips. Looking at 5 000 hospital patients, researchers found the most obese were more likely to be in high-pressure jobs. The report concluded that, to avoid panic-induced food cravings, we need to control our blood sugar levels by snacking on high carbohydrate foods every two hours to keep levels steady. Take a banana to work with you so that when that craving hits you have something healthy to snack on.


Ulcers
The banana is used as the dietary food against intestinal disorders because of its soft texture and smoothness. It is the only raw fruit that can be eaten without distress in over-chronicler cases. It also neutralises over-acidity and reduces irritation by coating the lining of the stomach.

Temperature Control
Many cultures see bananas as a 'cooling' fruit that can lower both the physical and emotional temperature of expectant mothers. In Thailand, for example, pregnant women eat bananas to ensure their baby is born with a cool temperature.

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)
Bananas can help SAD sufferers because they contain the natural mood enhancer tryptophan.

Smoking and Tobacco UseBananas can also help people trying to give up smoking. The B6 and B12 they contain, as well as the potassium and magnesium found in them, help the body to recover from the effects of nicotine withdrawal.

Stress
Potassium is a vital mineral, which helps to normalise the heartbeat, send oxygen to the brain and regulate the body's water balance. When we are stressed, our metabolic rate rises, reducing our potassium levels. These can be rebalanced with a high-potassium banana snack.

Strokes
According to research in The New England Journal of Medicine, eating bananas as part of a regular diet can cut the risk of death by strokes by as much as 40%!

Warts
Those keen on natural alternatives swear that if you want to kill off a wart, take a piece of banana skin and place it on the wart, with the yellow side out. Carefully hold the skin in place with a plaster or surgical tape!

So, a banana really is a natural remedy for many ills. When you compare it to an apple, it has four times the protein, twice the carbohydrates, three times the phosphorus, five times the vitamin A and iron, and twice the other vitamins and minerals. It is also rich in potassium and is one of the best value foods around.

So maybe it’s time to change that well-known phrase so that we say:  'A banana a day keeps the doctor away!'

Gone in 6 Seconds!

Here are the 6 things that guys notice about you within the first 6 seconds of meeting you.

According to a new study, a person’s physical appearance allows others to form surprisingly accurate first impressions. So you may want to think twice about what kind of image you’re projecting with these traits dudes check out immediately.

1. Your Smile
Does it seem sweet and genuine? Does it seem awkward and forced? Does it seem like you ate a sesame-seed and parsley salad for lunch based on what’s lodged between every single one of your teeth?

2. Your Hair
Guys have no idea what split ends are, and if you mention roots, they just think of the band. But they do look to see if your hair looks 1. soft and 2. as though it would smell good. So don’t request “The Gosselin” at the salon, and wash it every so often. That’s all guys ask.

3. Your Cleavage
Newsflash: Dudes like to look at your chest.  No fucking shit Sherlock... Now, that’s not to say they think all women should unbutton their shirts to their bellybuttons at funerals. (Though really, who are guys to judge?) But they will notice how you’re showing off what you’ve got.

4. Your Makeup
If you’re wearing so much makeup that it looks like you’ve painted an entirely new face on top of your actual face, guys will wonder if you’re trying to cover up some bizarre deformation — or if you’re Gotham City’s most dangerous criminal mastermind.

5. Your Skin
You know that blemish you’ve been obsessing over all day because it’s so huge? Chances are guys won’t even notice. What will they notice? If you look like a jaundiced Oompa-Loompa because of overenthusiastic tanning.

6. Your Bag
Are all women who haul around big purses (that would be me)  in other words, cavernous rucksacks stuffed full of old receipts, emergency sweaters, and half-used bottles of hand sanitizer, high maintenance? Maybe not. But guys will go ahead and assume they are anyway.

Whats in Your Basket?

A challenge: The Princess has spoken and has issued an awesome challenge out to Bloggerville.
This one is a goodie so get yer arses over there and read all about it. Essentially it is this...

Not thinking, you rush through the store grabbing the items you need... only to find yourself standing at the back of the line holding a leather collar, a box of Trojans and a bottle of chocolate syrup. About halfway to the register, it hits you! "OMG! I look like a total sex freak!!"

What three things would be in your WTF basket?

If you join the challenge, don't forget to post your linky in my comments section below so I can also have a good giggle at all the answers.

How about?

*  Pool Acid
*  Dustbin Liners
*  Rubber Gloves

Toozday Giggle

Been so busy at work lately, I haven't had time to blog properly.  Promise I'll be back soon with some juicy posts...in the mean time here is something to keep ye smilin'...

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

A pessimist's blood type is always B-negative.

Practise safe eating - always use condiments.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but mean your mother.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

He used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumour.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in colour, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tyred.

What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism, your count votes.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

The calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and it taint mine.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

When an actress saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.